Twirling

It's the middle of March, which means it's almost spring, although it's -10 and we just got another delivery of snow.

This winter has gone by so fast - really truly - faster I think than any other winter. I remember the past few winters were drawn-out and unending, depressingly so, but this time 'round I can hardly believe April is only a few moons away. I have much to look forward to the next few weeks: I've got a whole lot on the go right now and I can't wait to see how it all unfolds this year.

_______

So, it's official. I have ceased to remove myself from my twirling mind; the to-and-fro that comes in waves, whispering one thing and then shouting the next, both entirely opposite pieces of advice.

I spoke to counsellors and psychologists in my late teens and early twenties, back when my anxiety was so overbearing that the world around me was as dark and hazy as anything you've ever seen; back when I couldn't seem to make a decision any better than I can now, in some ways, I suppose.

Thankfully, a handful of years later, I'm more confident in my steps than I've ever been, although there's a thing or two that always pulls me backward. I'm going to speak to another psychotherapist this Friday and I am so thrilled about it. Friday can't come soon enough, in fact. I'm nervous though, too, and mostly just hopeful that he'll be able to help me find clarity in all of the spaghetti of questions I have about life, love, moving on, and moving forward.

I'm the kind of person who needs to express how I feel by talking about stuff with people I trust. I am terrible at holding things in when something is bothering me, and this is why counselling is so helpful for me. I think everybody should invest in a few sessions with a therapist at least once in their life, during a time when they need answers, someone to bounce their thoughts off of, or to get another perspective.

For now I am writing down all of the things I am grateful for and I can't tell you why I haven't done it more often.

Tales

I have to keep reminding myself that I am here, and not there; that it is today and not tomorrow, and that the stories I create are just that: a tale that my mind sings to itself on repeat, stirring a soup of emotions and fibs that do nothing but make my heart sticky and webbed and afraid.

I think I hate not knowing what the future holds, yet I can be so certain and so excited about the mystery of it all. Still, there is an unknown about it; a grey sheet that I can't see through. Thankfully it's up to us to decide what we want to imagine is beyond that sheet. Mostly I have pleasant thoughts; a vibrant imagination and my feet are eager. But I do suppose I am still just a girl with a mind as wild as any other, and I fear just as much as the next person.

Tomorrow I am going to do nothing but notice the sun, or perhaps the clouds before it; I will breathe in the autumn air that sweeps itself around me. I will chop leeks and dice cucumber as though it is the only thing that matters and I will remember that I am simply, simply, right here, right now.

Full and Sweet

I could tell you where I've been, and I could tell you where I now am. I can't say I know what's to come, but I do know it's good. It's full, and it's sweet.

I was taken by surprise for the second time in a row this week where I've been presented with a most dazzling opportunity. I can't help but feel so grateful that I chose the path I'm on: to live a passionate, ambitious life, regardless of whether or not others around me thought anything would come of it. I've not once let go of the vision I have for myself. I am looking right at it, face on, because many of the dreams I've dreamed are no longer dreams, but tangible real-life things that are now part of my story. I've a pocket full of many more dreams, and I am eagerly awaiting how they, too, will transpire.

Each day my life continues to turn and twist and shape into something so refreshingly what I need. I can't help but think about the unbearably tough decisions I have had to make, but also how if it weren't for those decisions that my very soul cried out for, I wouldn't be where I am now. Oh, to listen to our hearts.

Why is it that fear so often dictates our every move? Why is it that the truth of things struggle to be the forefront in our lives, and instead, remain under a pile of doubt, like laundry that we just don't want to do? Even when our heart is screaming and shouting and banging on doors, with crystal clear certainty, we still back away. We step down, we give in, and fear rises to the top only to place our very soul's most precious messages back inside of a dark box.

I'm happy I have risen above much of the fear I had in my life. Instead, I've forced myself to keep journeying through it, past it, beyond it, into what appears to now be a very bright world with hardly much of anything standing in my way.

Rise Again

Heaviness is only temporary

the daylight will soon break in.

It's cloudy today. I woke up to pouring rain outside my window and a cat perched on my hip.

It's been just about four months since I've been on my own, and I'm stronger than I've ever been. Still there's a spoonful or two of ache in my heart, and he crosses my mind, but lately, I've been thinking about how incredibly content I feel beneath it all. How grounded and confident I am with where I'm at. I am loving my life.

I was reading through some of my notes from a few years ago on how painfully anxious I was. Timid, afraid, worried, insecure, uncertain. I can't quite pinpoint when or where I blossomed into who I am and what I feel today, right now, these days. At what point did I begin to shrug off the fears and let go of the mind-made stories? Somewhere, I suppose.

My life has been particularly enjoyable knowing that I have been creating a life for myself that I truly wanted; that I've written about and hoped for. Many of my dreams are painting themselves to life, and there are fleeting moments where I feel a surge of clarity, and excitement. It's lots of fun.

Good things have come into my life since I left it all behind. Good things. Solid things. Happiness I can touch and feel, a wholesomeness I've longed for. Even amidst the harder days, the darker days, or the moments where my strength is really being tested, I look up and I get this overwhelming reassurance that everything I have done in my life up until now is leading me exactly where I need to go, exactly where I need to be. And right now, on my own, is just that.

I've developed this attitude where each time I feel guilt or pain, I know that the discomfort only gets easier the more I allow it in. The more I refuse to cave in to the temptation of slipping backwards to some place comfortable and the more I keep stepping forward, the more I grow stronger. It's literally like working your muscles at the gym, except it's your heart and your head. You push yourself toward your goal or what you know is right; there is pain, it is sore, but it eases somehow, and you get better.

Oh, I know,

I'm gonna rise again

Set my sights on where I'm going

and my goodbye's are where I've been.

Hills And Stones

___

Do you ever wish that you could have a peek into your future?

just a glimpse,

just one curious eye through a keyhole

just one sense of the road ahead

of what's to come

of what's to tread

At the very least, we can be content knowing

the future will unravel seamlessly;

it will be velvety like the moon on the water and

the hardships will be overcome

like hills and like stones 

they will be subdued and

harmony will prevail if

we follow the song

of our soul

and the words

from

within

___

Light

___

My life has been rocky and swaying

and the darkness comes without warning;

I'm walking gently through the grass

there are soft blooms, and in the distance there is light

I can see it but I can't yet feel it

I can see it but I can't quite touch it

I know it's there, but there's a fog in between

Inside I am driven by fire,

iron and raw knowing;

there is a shield and it surrounds me

yet I'm swallowed by the size of it all

the scale of the hurt and the guilt

the pain of taking what once was

and making it no longer anything;

of taking what once had a pulse

a song

and a future,

and tearing it in half

like a letter you just couldn't get right

Each day is a new emotion

a new sense of clarity

or a new sense of fear

But I'm walking slowly past the trees

there are budding greens, and in the distance there is light

I can see it but I can't yet feel it

I can see it but I can't quite touch it

I know it's there, and the fog will clear.

___

Freedom

The past few days have been such beautiful days. I'm not only referring to the bright sun, the singing birds, the soft rain, or the sound of the wind; but emotionally - I am free.

I'm finally, finally free.

For over two years I put the voice of my spirit on hold. I literally hushed it silent. I kept any of its words to a minimum, prohibited to speak up. And if this doesn't make sense, what I mean is, I consciously told the parts of me that knew the place I was at and the relationship I was in that was wrong, was just fine. I told myself that my fears, concerns, and doubts were petty, insignificant, unimportant, and certainly not worthy of ruining my time spent trying desperately to live a life that was as backwards and upside down as anything I've ever known.

I can say to myself that I should have done something sooner, but everything that was placed in my lap up until this point, right here, right now, is everything I needed in order to grow, and to learn, and to become who I am now and who I'll be in the future. I wouldn't know what I know now if I hadn't treaded through the waters that I did.

And today I feel the heavy cloud held above my head slowly fading away. The weight of it all is gone.

The weight of everything I held inside that ate me alive slowly, slowly.

I'm free.

shift

There's so much to say that I barely know where to begin. Sometimes it can be especially hard to express the inner world when there's just so much that it is composed of. But I have been well. I am well. Life is all well.

So far 2014 has been good to me. I've been wildly busy but my life is rich and abundant with newness and change, all of which feels extraordinarily good in my bones. I turned 23 in the middle of January, scored a second dream job, and had my hair accidentally dyed more blonde than I intended. I'm witnessing all the changes in my life, how we mold and adapt to our circumstances; how plans change, shift, wither, bloom, flourish, fade. My path has been wild and captivating and despite that which influences me, makes me eager, makes me flee, there is an element to who I am that is solid as stone; unshakable, indomitable.

But change is fun, and terrifying, but probably only because I worry too much and over-analyze the most unnecessary of details. So much has changed in my life though, drastically actually, and it scares me because I ponder endlessly about the 'what ifs' of it all. Am I being realistic? Was I being realistic? Reality has been confusing for me, questionable indeed, for I've witnessed and experienced it all and I can't help but pain over why things are the way they are, backwards and twisted, and yet entirely normal.

I suppose these troubling things sort themselves out but regardless, sometimes I wish I didn't know so much, and that's what scares me the most.

wayside wavering

bedside.

I've been sick, a reminder to stop and breathe and go within. The weather has been cold, damp, windy; naked trees, sullen skies and I've been thinking hard. I do wish I would set myself free from it all but not just yet. I've a path to explore and I'm curious, consciously naive.

As of right now I'm apparently pissed off, or frustrated at the least, mostly at myself, and I'm having trouble letting go. My oracle cards advised me of this very thing: release. It's autumn, letting go is a cardinal theme this time of year just as the trees do. But for myself, now is simply not the time. Maybe it will be maybe it wont, but these things take time and soon enough, carefully, courageously, we submit to our soul's wary words.

My mind is conflicted, as usual, anyone could tell you that, but I yearn for the day I have the strength to end the causes of my wavering ways. Only recently I understood my need for alone as I've been deprived of it and constantly poked and prodded at for some time now. I've been frustrated. I've vaguely acknowledged my need for more soul work but the heart hardly wins when the head is dabbling elsewhere. I sort of let that part of me go by the wayside and instead let myself be manipulated by my very own fears. I'm beginning to gather that perhaps sometimes what we need is a catalyst; something to catapult us in the right direction, and a lot of the time this process involves pain. Welcoming such things with open arms is an ever-elusive act but it's necessary nonetheless.

hushed

Is it my body or my heart or my head standing still as a stone; resisting, resisting, resisting while my soul cries out? She's hushed; a firm finger pressed against her lips. Silenced. Do not speak, for it is her voice that will wake the wild; for it is Truth that will shake and shatter the bliss found in ignorance.

Sometimes I think about how my life would be much rosier if I was clueless; maybe then I'd not be so uncomfortable, nauseated, frightened, anxious. For now, life is aggressive and testing and I'm standing, vulnerable. The Universe gifts us what we ask for and unexpectedly we are guided to receive, willing or not, and to deal, to learn, to overcome.

Whispering and gentle, the words erupt from deep within me: be wise, be wise.

finding

lake wanderings from my bike ride yesterday afternoon.

Yep. I'm doing it. I'm doing it! I'm taking a time out. I'm taking a break. A leave-of-absence from all that overwhelms me. I'm so excited! This feels good and this feels right and this feels freeing in my bones. I've needed it so.

I'm off to the woods tomorrow for a week to shift and breathe and silence and reflect and connect with kindreds. But not only this, I will take as long as I need to find some steady ground where my feet can stand comfortably. Because some unsteady is what I've been amidst. Maybe I'll be steady in a month. Maybe two months. Maybe six. Maybe a year. Maybe I need two years, or three. Or maybe not. I don't know :) What I do know is that I need to find again those roots that are hiding beneath my spirits billowing wishes. They're so swollen with deep, deep longing.

I think the concept of taking a damn break has been revolutionary for me. It's required that I take a step back, my heart says so. Oh the thrill! I know why this feels so good. Shall I enlighten you? Because I've been caught in a web of uncertainty. Too much moving forward when I don't know yet, I don't know yet, I'm not ready, I'm not ready. I read through some of my blog posts from the past couple of months and I must say, it appears as though there is a theme weaving through a majority of them. Indecisiveness. Overwhelm. Uncertainty. I need a break. I need a break. I need a break.

A break from what, exactly? A break from trying so desperately hard to push myself against the wind and figure my life out when really, all I need is to stop trying altogether. Mostly, I just don't feel right putting the entirety of myself out there when I'm not entirely ready. There are answers that I need to my questions. There are holy parts of me that need to be nursed and nourished, the feathers and wings.

I'm impatient and patience is one of the handful of hurdles I am destined to overcome in my lifetime. Since last winter when I fell hard into deep darkness, I've acquired this urgency to hurry the hell up in my life because jeez, I'm 22 and I'm terribly old and simply must have my life figured out before it's too late. But truthfully, I am coming to realize that I don't even know what I would be late for. Looking back at my life over the past year or two, I should have been more patient. I wish I was, but then again, there's no such thing as should. So here I am now, embodying poise and patience. I'm flowing. I'm thinking. I'm finding.

Even more, I don't think I can possibly have everything sorted out in my life when I still have so much to learn and experience. It's this that I want to taste. I want to savor the flavours of experience and all those stories waiting to be written on my blank novel ahead.

vacillate

Scleranthus. To remedy my indecisiveness, to soothe my vacillating ways. I think I have a history of such a conflicted mind.

There is so much to figure out and I'm tired of going through those motions of pretending like there is confidence in a decision when underneath, I don't know. I'm not settled and I'm not sure. I'm not steady and I'm not secure. I don't know and I don't know and I don't know. Sometimes I just want to hide away, and maybe that's what I need. A time out. I'm still feeling my way through the dark woods, aren't we all?

I want to know. I yearn to know. I crave certainty. But there's far too much to figure out; far too much to heal; far too much unpredictability in prediction.

I'm breathing in the revelation that I don't need to have everything sorted out right now, because guess what? It's not sorted out. I don't know where I'll end up or when I'll be organized. And that's okay. It's all apart of this process of life: the good, the bad, the ugly, the wonderful is all found amidst the messy, messy Divine.

I just want to relax into the flow of things and halt my impatience, my eager tendency to rush and have it all done and calculated and put into perfect little boxes.

sensitive

Oh, it's June apparently. Hello, June. You're also the name of my cat. A feisty, fluffy, juniper-berry-eyed 4 month old.

I've decided I'm just going to be completely open and honest, because that's what I need to do. I'm having a terrible case of writer's block but I feel that if I just openly discuss my frustration with it, then it will enable my words to flow. It's helping.

One of the reasons why I've been having writer's block lately is because I have been feeling very perfectionistic (I don't even know if that is a word but I'm using it anyway). It's actually extremely frustrating to have this extremely "stuck" feeling when it comes to doing something, or writing in this case. I want to freely express all colours of my human experience, to erase the duality in my mind; to blend the black and the white as being equally beautiful. I can't merely express the light for it wouldn't be so without the dark.

In various instances in my life lately I've been feeling like I'm stuck in this giant pool of glue and I just wish I could swim freely through a lake of nonchalance. It's too bad, however, I'm really not that nonchalant of a person. I can be, but I'm actually a very sensitive person who worries needlessly about things that don't need to be worried about. Like my most recent fear of having atrial fibrillation. I've been having these annoying heart palpitations over the past year and a half. Don't ask.

I've been experiencing some messy in my life, but messy is a component of life, a fraction of this universe, a lone thread through the weaving of our cosmos. We wouldn't have real life without the messy, the difficult, the afraid, the uncomfortable. Why is it so darn scary to talk about? To admit? To ourselves and to others. We all experience the same things but in our own unique ways.

A major mess for me has been the various deep-rooted chains within me that I have been battling to break free from. There's been so much uncertainty within my heart's integrity and it's not easy. I know so strongly what is right for me, but there are just so many pressures and conventions in this society that paralyze me, that paralyze so many of us. It's all Divine and it's all perfect and right and good. It's a progress. A beautiful progress but, it takes time and it takes a heavy-duty scrub brush and hands and knees. It takes allowing the frightened child inside that shivers against the sensation of isolation. It takes quiet and stillness; breath and the welcoming of clarity found deeply, deeply within but always present.

april lessons

Salutations, month of May. It has been a long while since I've contemplatively recapitulated on what I have learned from the previous month. Oh April, you were a teacher indeed.

In fact, now that I really think about it, April certainly was a teacher and the lessons were explosive. April being the consequential month of March's springtime endeavors of blooming, birthing and renewal left me with opportunities abound and they have been very blinding. It's borderline ridiculous. It's not actually the opportunities themselves that have been so seemingly forceful and harassing, but rather my relatively new-found tendency to have great difficulties turning them down. Even so the ones that quite loudly do not resonate with my heart.

April unraveled into a strenuous month of yes versus no; decisions to be made, growth to be had, expansion to be experienced. Truthfully, I wished for myself to not have to make any more god damn decisions by the third week but, of course, they kept coming full swing because April was the month of following my heart. So naturally, I had to have experienced trying situations which required me to employ great efforts and courage to do what was right for me. It's not an easy gig being honest with guilt. Guilt. Now that's the verb of the month. I've lost count on my fingers how many consecutive instances I have felt that gnawing, drowning sense of guilt. It's not particularly comfortable.

By the final, fourth week of April I was un-coincidentally reunited with my path. My purpose. My soul's joy. It was as if it was knocking on my door for ages and I finally opened up. I must learn to cease my mind's useless fictional chatter. Until then, the pondering will carry on.

I think the lessons that have been learned are that doing what's right, following your Truth, speaking up and being authentic isn't always in someone or something else's best interest. But at the very least, we can move forward knowing that it is in ours. 

found

Found Self,

magic erupts with a peaceful mind

heart ever-expanding

ever-lasting knowing...

fear escapes, inhabiting a new world

love is found within and

freedom downpours

bound by the sky

a limitless flight.

I've been so indecisive. I've thought I've known the answer, and then I have no idea. It's the realness that frightens me yet all she is, is freedom. Abundant offerings are found along the path of Truth.

I guess throughout the winter I did lose track of parts of me. A readily influenced, timid chameleon. All the busyness has left me dazed and docile. Fear has been holding hands tightly with Ego and one foot in front of the other they lead except, their destination is a foreign land.

The trees whisper clarity and paint me with answers. The stillness is freeing and the frozen winter is literally a frozen standstill.

A found self is reclaimed amidst peace. Peace is found in silence. Silence is found in stillness. Stillness is found in  us.

Wisdom lies beneath

and he's terribly patient.

rush

Homemade hot chocolate: coconut & rice milk, raw cacao, maple syrup and cinnamon :)

The past couple of days here in Southern Ontario have been wildly cold. I think it's minus twenty degrees Celsius today, more or less. This time of year is bittersweet for me - I like the charm of the holiday season but once my birthday passes after the tenth of January, I really begin to itch for some warmth. I'm looking forward to comfortable weather.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I am struggling to pinpoint why it is exactly that I can't quite find my balance. Last night as I pondered until I could ponder no more, I opened up my journal and scribbled a goal chart, for it is just this that has been troublesome for me. Why can't I just relax about it? I know what I want yet I seem to spin around in circles trying to remedy the restlessness and I don't really end up getting anywhere. I think I'm rushing. I think I'm comparing myself. I think I'm letting my fears get the best of me.

And still, I continue along. I do wonder how it will all pan out?

22

Today I turned 22 years old. I must say I do feel older. I feel like I'm really in my twenties if you know what I mean. More mature in that respect, although, really I'm no different. Birthdays are funny days. I feel special.

Yesterday my dad took me out to get a few things and it was a successful outing indeed - complete with a delicious salmon dinner. Today I've just had a very simple day that consisted of sleeping in, a smoothie at Booster Juice and a couple hours of yoga. Oh and my new favourite pants from Aritzia. Perfect.

So... last year for my 21st birthday I elaborated on the teachings of the chakras and the cycles of human development we go through. Every 7 years we enter a new base theme, starting with the root up to crown. Within those 7 year cycles, each individual year is comprised of an individual main theme, from root to crown. I am currently in a base theme of the 4th chakra - the Heart chakra - which lasts through ages 22-28 and represents: Unfolding the qualities of the heart, love, compassion, sharing, sincere involvement, selflessness and healing. Within this base theme, we are under what's called a "main theme", so I am now under a new main theme of the Sacral chakra! YAY! (Last year I was under the Root chakra). This main theme denotes: primordial feelings, flowing with life, sensuality, eroticism, creativity, awe and enthusiasm.

I've already sensed that 2-13 was going to be a good year for me. A full year. A warm year. Soft, cuddly, comfortable. Easy, flowy, yet still changing and filled with healing. (But literally, the number 2013 looks warm and comforting. 2012 looks dark, sharp and harsh and was, quite frankly, just that). I feel that my theme for this year fits nicely with how I intuit it to be.

It's actually nice having my birthday at the very beginning of the year, truly makes it feel like a fresh start. I actually know so many people born in January, or at least Capricorns. Most people in my family are born in January and many of my friends are as well.

I'm definitely looking forward to what this year and this new age will bring to me.

Goodbye, 2012

So it's the end of the year, 2012 is coming to a close. I've been waiting till the last day of December to write a post about my year, to breathe out the old and open up to the newness that is waiting around the bend. 2012 has been a mixture of so many things for me. It was the worst year of my life, yet it was miraculous; a wonderful teacher. Life lessons at its finest. I just feel so ready to let go of all of the heaviness, to welcome a clean slate, a blank canvas, and to paint it all with freshness and new opportunities; to continue writing my story; building, creating, dreaming and living.

And so it began at the end of January 2012 where without warning I fell into what seemed like a never-ending pit of darkness. Mostly I was bewilderingly depressed. I felt a devastating perplexity toward it as I had never felt that way in my entire life. I struggled through many ceaseless months of terrifying and exhausting anxiety. (I made a post on it here). I almost have a phobia of reading through my journal from that time. In fact, I should probably burn the thing. Most of it I can't remember anyway - my life was a mist, as if those months went by and I don't even know what happened.

To some degree I am aware of what caused the turmoil. It was a mixture of many things but stress was the chief, infamous culprit. Eventually, we break.

And so I muddled through February, through March, trying desperately to figure out how to find myself again. I was, after all, completely lost. April came, May went, June arrived. Somewhere in the springtime I discovered how to manage my incessant anxiety. I learned to accept, not to resist. I practiced allowing. I practiced laughing at myself. I did yoga, I kept busy, I sought out counseling, I wrote, I cried. Eventually it did pass. More and more I felt excited again, I felt happy, and I remember writing that I could finally feel my life again.

A lot happened this year but the distress I experienced did not comprise it all. Although I felt much discomfort, I felt even more reward. This was also the year of completing my studies in Holistic Nutrition as well as stepping into my power, courageously facing my fears and turning the page to a new chapter in my life. I am grateful for it all, and eagerly await what the rest of my storybook will read.

I welcome 2013 with open arms and an open heart.

Quarrel

Chilly afternoon on the backyard grass yesterday

I sit and ponder
words to describe the passings before my eyes
around me, within me,
I listen.
Everything appears as scrambled as eggs,
yet perfect and orderly,
the Universe orchestrates its string quartet
and I allow it to be
the troublesome antics of life's little ways
offering quarrels between my heart and my head
but I trust
for trust is flow
so I allow it,
as I sit and ponder
words to describe the passings before my eyes.

Lunar Shenanigans

Polona said it well when she explained the intensity behind November 28th's full moon and lunar eclipse:

"In these times of the intense energies that are culminating around the lunar eclipse today, we are asked to bring anything that still lies in the dark, into the Light of the Truth ... Symbolically, the Moon represents our shadow (that which is not aware), as the Sun represents our Light (our awareness), so as the Moon passes through, the shadow wishes to be exposed to the Light. We are asked to just BE and allow the new awareness to rise up to the surface. Know that we cannot run from anything, especially ourselves, because we experience through our own existence. We have to face everything head on, with honesty, courage and devotion."

It is exactly the concept of this that I have been experiencing, and with great intensity indeed! A lot of supressed intuitive callings within me have been bursting and truly brought into the light. Much of my "shadow", so to speak, has certainly been exposed and tested. It's always so funny when I notice that I experience particularly trying situations around a time when such experiences would be called for. This lunar eclipse has been fierce, that is for sure.

Breathe, allow, be. Release resistance. Acknowledge the ego, our egoic thought patterns, and observe them passing through and out. These days we really require that extra gentleness and understanding within ourselves.