curls & barrettes

I must say I've gone astray

where did it all go?

but not all of it

there's a humming in the background

a pebble of patience lies beneath

lost inside the whirling wind

my feathers are plucked

and left behind

a small child picks them up

and it's fascinating

Guess what I discovered two days ago? The barrette. I've been adoring this miraculous invention. Growing up I always disliked my hair and struggled hugely with managing its crazy messiness. My hair is naturally very curly and I always wanted straight, smooth, silky hair like everyone else. I always felt like "why me?"

I've straightened my hair since I was 13 years old and only over the past couple of years have I actually grown to embrace my natural curls. It's been a mixture of gravitating towards living naturally, and becoming too lazy to do anything with it. I used to think there was absolutely no way that I could ever enjoy my curly curls but, I think maturity knocks some sense into us. Why is adolescence so dramatic and horrible?

The barrette isn't just any old clip, people, it's miracle work. It pins my hair back so snugly and doesn't wiggle around and since it clips horizontally instead of vertically, it holds my hair down flat. I'm just really... really excited about this. I've never used a clip as fantastic as this one before. This is a big deal. Pretty much life-changing.

Fear, Fearlessness, Careers, Authenticity.

I took a solo trip downtown Toronto yesterday afternoon to the CHFA East, a natural health and organics trade show hosted at the ginormous Metro Toronto Convention Center. It was nice, being surrounded by that which I salute. I felt independent, busy. I got free stuff. I equally felt little and young. I was, after all, told the other day for a third time that I appear to be the age of twelve. Twelve...? Hm. I grimace at these such remarks only half-seriously, for I am rather content with my apparent youthful disposition, though feel an irking when I'm told upon repetition that I resemble that of a child. It runs in the family. I also happen to be on the shorter end of the five-foot-somethings.

So I've been thinkin' lately. Ultimately it stems from a deep underlying intuitive feeling and knowing of my place in this world. This is something that I have been dealing with and have needed to work through.

I am wholeheartedly, passionately and happily in alignment with my love and pursuance in the field of holistic health and nutrition. Holistic living is my CORE. This is not the issue. What I'm really referring to here is my natural and automatic withdrawal and resistance to anything that makes me feel boxed in. Hmmm... let me explain:

For myself as a Holistic Nutritionist, I am not merely a nutritionist. I am girl with a plethora of passionate interests in which I plan to pursue, without a doubt. When I envision my future, it is not merely comprised of telling people to eat more carrots. Yes, I want people to eat more carrots and I will forever encourage nutrition, but I am feeling utterly inspired as of two days ago to explain here on my blog my own personal place as a writer, a creative expressionist, someone who loves eating and promoting the consumption of wholesome foods (a.k.a nutritionist), a painter, a photograph-taking-lover, someone who enjoys spiritual ventures and musings, a philosopher, a cosmic-enthusiast, and as a girl. 

My fundamental point here is that I have been desperately yearning for the ability and permission to be wholly authentic, in myself and in my business. I want to display, promote and express a whole assortment of things, not linearly or exclusively one thing. When I say "permission" I am indeed referring to this apparent fearfulness and need within myself to have approval and reassurance from others. Reassurance from society perhaps, that I can and will succeed in this world as an authentic woman who stands true to her morals and beliefs. I realize society will certainly not provide me with the approval I seek. So I am giving myself permission. Right here, right now. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.

I see people that make livings through carrying out a variety of different jobs that are authentic to who they are. Creative writers that are doulas and yoga instructors and musical teachers and farmers and photographers and bloggers, all combined. Seeing people who live this way inspires me tremendously, for it is that which is precisely my desire. To live a versatile life. A simple life. My at times depressingly disapproved stance on nearly all things I am aware of in this society leads me to an inherent need to flee from it all and remember who and what I am as a human being.

So, once again, my fundamental point is really that I am not interested whatsoever in just expressing merely nutrition as part of my role as a Holistic Nutritionist; as part of my "career". As part of what I'd like to offer others. As part of what I'd like to talk about, write about, blog about, educate others about. I have opinions, beliefs, ideas, philosophies and knowledge that I simply cannot refrain from expressing to solely please some invisible standard and thereby sacrifice who I am. I am a nutritionist, but not only that. I am only at the very beginning of my journey of blossoming.

For what it's worth, here is a list of a few things I intend and absolutely plan to pursue. This is a confirmation for the Universe to allow it to manifest, of course!:

• Yoga Instructor certification (in India, preferably)
• Take part in some sort of art course/retreat (painting, drawing, sculpting, etc.) for several weeks far away, up north, away from city life.
• Take a course in Energy Medicine
• Take a Reiki course
• Take a course in metaphysical sciences
• Become a doula (once I've experienced NATURAL childbirth and have become a parent myself. I've always been fascinatingly interested in the human body, the female body. The magnificence of it all. Long story short, I've become obsessed with and intrigued by pregnancy lately).
• Travel the world.
• Live in a cob house.
• Live in British Columbia. Or Norway. Or Switzerland.

Slow Down & Be Patient

I had an epiphany the other night. Actually I've had a few.

I've been going through many processes and transformations this year. Questioning myself, losing myself, finding myself, settling into myself. Thoroughly feeling the myriad of emotions in which accompany the human experience.

One thing that I have really needed lately is to  s l o w   d o w n. I've been caught up in a whirlwind of busyness and an overwhelming load of to-do lists, tasks and obligations. Mostly though I've come to realize that I seem to be doing a lot of it to myself. Unnecessarily taking on more than I can handle. But, all is well. I truly believe that everything that happens in our lives is meant to happen. We always are where we're supposed to be! I'll often think "What's the lesson in this?"

So I found myself with revelations abound; realizing that I've got so many things going on all at the same time and that I really am doing more than I need to; that I'm rushing and hurrying everything in my life; that I'm not embracing patience or presence; that I need a time out to assess my situation and that mostly, I don't have to have everything right now. It all comes in time. It's all a process. (P.S., writing or talking issues, worries, anxieties, etc. out with someone will almost inevitably bring you to conclusions).

The picture shown here was taken when I went for a bike ride the other afternoon. I'm certain that bike riding is one of the most freeing and blissful activities out there. I've found myself just soaking up any morsel of peace and solitary moment I get, such as when I stood on the shore and breathed. I think I've really lacked that aspect of solitude in my life lately (something that is crucial to my well-being). Even a couple weeks ago when I was driving home, radio on, setting sun beaming on my face, windows down, tears. I was hit with an overflowing sensation of freedom for a few short minutes.

Simplicity

Me in my dorm room in college, Dec. 4/2009

Journal entries from one year ago:

Simplicity – December 5/2009

I have come to the decision that I am going to simplify my life. I am going to rid myself as much as possible of chaos, complexity and unnecessary items.

I’m going to throw things out. Clean out my drawers; reduce the amount of clutter I own; the amount of clutter I carry around with me every day.

It starts now.

(11:14pm)

Dec. 5/09

I invision my (simple) life to be clearer, quieter and free. No clutter, only essentials and important things that make me happy. My (simple) life will be happy; and full of only things that I like, need, value and appreciate.

Dec. 6/09

I can't wait for simpleness. For perfect organization. For a mind of complete clarity, true happiness, true contentment.

Exactly one year ago today was when my life truly began to change. I had my very first full blown, life-altering epiphany. It's the foundation of what has shaped me into the girl I am today.

It was late in the evening and I was sitting on my floor in my dorm room. I looked around me. And I realized - something I've never realized before - that I didn't need, or want, any of the things that surrounded me. Everything I owned was suddenly completely useless. That little flat screen TV I just had to have for college, all those over-expensive clothes hanging in the closet, too many pairs of shoes sitting by my door, too much crap in my purse, too much, too much, too much! Nearly every single thing I owned no longer meant anything to me. I started clearing out my room. Throwing shit out. Getting rid of things. I remember specifically I had a wallet that my best friend got for me for my birthday which I really wanted, and I stopped using it right then and there. It was too fancy. Too unnecessary. I switched to a tiny little simple wallet that my Nana brought back from Ireland.

I wanted everything to be simple. All I wanted was simplicity. Frugality.

That same night I deleted tons of stupid pop music from my iPod and started downloading tons of ambient, meditation music. And that night I listened to it all. I absorbed every soothing sound and felt the rush of simplicity pour into my life. One of those songs that I still listen to today reminds me totally of those last few weeks in college after my simplicity transformation.

My room was so clean and tidy. I lit candles and enveloped myself in the soft music and clarity of my new mind and environment. 

When I got home after withdrawing and completing the semester, I remember I cleared out just about every single belonging I had in my bedroom. And literally, quite literally, my room had nothing but a few necessary things. I threw out almost all my clothes (I remember my best friend thinking I was crazy and what a waste of money) but it felt so good. All those stupid clothes were gone and replaced with basic attire. Since then I have filled my closet over time with beautiful pieces from different stores (my favourite places to shop are thrift stores) and have truly made my style my own, an expression of how I feel in the inside (and it certainly isn't basic). I love wearing and having things that are meaningful.


Today, simplicity is the foundation of who I am (since then I've experienced zillions of epiphanies that have further defined me). I always sink back into that mindset and remember how important it is to keep things simple. It keeps me clear. In retrospect I kind of think that that clearing-out phase I went through was a result of the break up I was going through. It was me subconsciously clearing my life and starting over on a fresh, clean slate.

This is a painting I made when I was fully submerged in simple living.
Ever since that night, I have not looked at life the same in terms of materialism. And it goes so much deeper than that. I hate it. I think it's so useless and I feel that too many people's lives revolve around things. Too much doing and having and not enough being. Too much noise and nonsense, chaos and busyness. Not enough quiet and thinking. Not enough appreciation. Too much wanting more, more, more. Things, things, things.

Things don't bring fulfillment. And this is something I discovered that night. This is where my journey truly began.