Freedom

The past few days have been such beautiful days. I'm not only referring to the bright sun, the singing birds, the soft rain, or the sound of the wind; but emotionally - I am free.

I'm finally, finally free.

For over two years I put the voice of my spirit on hold. I literally hushed it silent. I kept any of its words to a minimum, prohibited to speak up. And if this doesn't make sense, what I mean is, I consciously told the parts of me that knew the place I was at and the relationship I was in that was wrong, was just fine. I told myself that my fears, concerns, and doubts were petty, insignificant, unimportant, and certainly not worthy of ruining my time spent trying desperately to live a life that was as backwards and upside down as anything I've ever known.

I can say to myself that I should have done something sooner, but everything that was placed in my lap up until this point, right here, right now, is everything I needed in order to grow, and to learn, and to become who I am now and who I'll be in the future. I wouldn't know what I know now if I hadn't treaded through the waters that I did.

And today I feel the heavy cloud held above my head slowly fading away. The weight of it all is gone.

The weight of everything I held inside that ate me alive slowly, slowly.

I'm free.

Brave & Free

It takes a certain kind of bravery to value your worth enough to make life changing decisions. Decisions that sometimes hurt the people you love most, decisions that mean for a little while there is pain, there are clouds, and there is guilt.

For a very long time my life was blank. I had balloons full of hope, promise, and ultimately a path that many people would choose in a heartbeat. I was also empty, and afraid, and slowly becoming grey and dull. My days would flow with anger, resentment, frustration; but I would swallow the fear and carry on, pretending like it was everything I wanted, everything I needed. I would carry on as though, none of it bothered me, none of it shook me, none of it was corrupt in the deepest corners of my heart even though all of it was corrupt, all of it shook me, and all of it hurt me.

I was trapped, and so desperately wanted a way out. Ahead of me I saw one of two things: living a lie, or living my truth.

Truth always prevails, eventually, and the moment you pull it out from underneath the dust, open up the bottle it was locked inside, release it into the air from out of its cage, you are free.

april lessons

Salutations, month of May. It has been a long while since I've contemplatively recapitulated on what I have learned from the previous month. Oh April, you were a teacher indeed.

In fact, now that I really think about it, April certainly was a teacher and the lessons were explosive. April being the consequential month of March's springtime endeavors of blooming, birthing and renewal left me with opportunities abound and they have been very blinding. It's borderline ridiculous. It's not actually the opportunities themselves that have been so seemingly forceful and harassing, but rather my relatively new-found tendency to have great difficulties turning them down. Even so the ones that quite loudly do not resonate with my heart.

April unraveled into a strenuous month of yes versus no; decisions to be made, growth to be had, expansion to be experienced. Truthfully, I wished for myself to not have to make any more god damn decisions by the third week but, of course, they kept coming full swing because April was the month of following my heart. So naturally, I had to have experienced trying situations which required me to employ great efforts and courage to do what was right for me. It's not an easy gig being honest with guilt. Guilt. Now that's the verb of the month. I've lost count on my fingers how many consecutive instances I have felt that gnawing, drowning sense of guilt. It's not particularly comfortable.

By the final, fourth week of April I was un-coincidentally reunited with my path. My purpose. My soul's joy. It was as if it was knocking on my door for ages and I finally opened up. I must learn to cease my mind's useless fictional chatter. Until then, the pondering will carry on.

I think the lessons that have been learned are that doing what's right, following your Truth, speaking up and being authentic isn't always in someone or something else's best interest. But at the very least, we can move forward knowing that it is in ours. 

Stillness

This moment.
Flowing without resistance.

Lost self,
but in silence I realize I AM always here.
Inwards & within resides the essence of WHO I AM.
All else dissipates, disintegrates, evaporates;
darkness disappears with light shone upon it.

And there I am. Patiently waiting.
Unshakable. Impenetrably still.

A Goddess lives inside.
Unaffected, unconditioned
she waits.

The pushing and pulling;
energies distributed unevenly but,
affected is the external I
unaffected is the internal

Soul soars in silence.

The Month of Amber & Dream Interpretation

It's October! The month of amber, gold, squash and pumpkin! I am really happy. I wanted to make a post yesterday for the first day of the new month but was not able to. Aside from the fact that every perpetually spinning and revolving day is the same thing mashed into One coupled with the illusion of time, I feel like each first day of a new month holds great significance. I sense something is going to happen this month though I do not know what it is.

Oh. I have been having very peculiar dreams over the past week. They are very particular and are directed at very specific people in my life like specifically one of my cats, one of my friends, my aunt, my manager. But they haven't just been typical dreams where you dream of someone or something, it has been so strange that when I am in my waking life associating with my dreambeings, I get this eerie wave of feeling as though I am connected to them on a different plane of reality. It is rather unreal and I don't know how to explain it. It is similar to deja vu except much deeper and bewitching.

A lot of people don't often remember their dreams but I actually recall my dreams nearly every night and with pretty clear recollection. I have a dream journal though I have not recorded them for a long time. There have been times when I have had very vivid dreams of very specific locations and in my waking life have gone there, just to connect with what I dreamed of. It's pretty surreal and in fact I would like to do this more often. I have dreamt multiple times of nearby fields and pathways in my town that I used to walk through when I was a child and actually now that I think of it, I have wanted to go to those spots just to be there. Because, and just in light of my dreams of specific people, I know that there can be an importance to connect with that which you dreamed.

I love dream interpreting and I know it is very important to analyze them and get an understanding of what they mean, because it is your subconscious mind sifting and sorting through waking thoughts and experiences via bizarre mental movies and they have a lot to say and much to teach about yourself and how you are really feeling. They provide a wonderful doorway into knowing and understanding YOU at very deep levels!!! Perhaps some people are fearful of facing this Truth that lies within our dreams. Either that or they are just not aware of the information they contain...

Art and the Art of Being You

When I paint I lose sense of my surroundings and I just embrace myself in the experience. The feeling of stroking paint across canvas and blending colours together is much like a massage for my mind and eyes. It's frustrating and discouraging when you can't get it right, but there are no words to describe the feeling when you step back and take a look at what you have created.

Art fulfills in me a sense of freedom.  A sense of who I am in the deepest inner layers of myself. I have been artistic my entire life and I never want to lose touch of that foundation.

As I have gotten older I have been able to express the artistic side of me in various different areas of my life. I think I always have had a rather different perspective on things than a lot of people, but it hasn't always surfaced. Only my life in the past year have I really begun to define myself and explode with passion in every direction.

I think it is so imperative for everybody to discover themselves and to be their own individual and to not step into the wild world of conforming or living up to some silly idealistic, societal standard. I don't know how innocently discussing my art has turned into this discussion, but, there are so very many societies and standards and rules around this world that we ought to remember who we are and what we want, need and deserve as our own person. Let's just do what makes us happy, hm?