perfect

The sweet smell of a mild, dewy, tree-infused breeze; softly swaying, waving. Springtime moss and blossoms. Birdsongs between silence.

It smells so sweet and it's perfect. perfect. perfect. Life is perfect. Everything is perfect. Everything.

Trees and twigs and wind and dewdrops and the messy, raw, tactile, intimate connection we have with NATURE lends to us pure, pure, pure wisdom. Lessons. Messages. Notes. Ideas to ponder. Rumination. Contemplation. Inspiration. The forest is our classroom, life is our canvas. What do you see? What have you learned today?

paths

And so she said,

"Living in the present moment!"

"Yes," I thought, "that's how it should be."

Indecisiveness. What happens when we want to go one way, but want to go another way, too. Or, we don't know which way to go altogether.

"Which way?" We ask ourselves.
"That way." We respond.
"But what if that way isn't the right way?" We ask again.

And so we sit. Silently. Intermittent frustration. Intermittent certainty. Waiting for guidance. Sometimes we just wish someone would simply tell us the answer. You see, then we'd know which way to go.

Answers do flow freely from us, our internal wisdom, though it often goes unnoticed. Fear has a strong grip, or so it seems.

Everything is a journey!

Fear, Fearlessness, Careers, Authenticity.

I took a solo trip downtown Toronto yesterday afternoon to the CHFA East, a natural health and organics trade show hosted at the ginormous Metro Toronto Convention Center. It was nice, being surrounded by that which I salute. I felt independent, busy. I got free stuff. I equally felt little and young. I was, after all, told the other day for a third time that I appear to be the age of twelve. Twelve...? Hm. I grimace at these such remarks only half-seriously, for I am rather content with my apparent youthful disposition, though feel an irking when I'm told upon repetition that I resemble that of a child. It runs in the family. I also happen to be on the shorter end of the five-foot-somethings.

So I've been thinkin' lately. Ultimately it stems from a deep underlying intuitive feeling and knowing of my place in this world. This is something that I have been dealing with and have needed to work through.

I am wholeheartedly, passionately and happily in alignment with my love and pursuance in the field of holistic health and nutrition. Holistic living is my CORE. This is not the issue. What I'm really referring to here is my natural and automatic withdrawal and resistance to anything that makes me feel boxed in. Hmmm... let me explain:

For myself as a Holistic Nutritionist, I am not merely a nutritionist. I am girl with a plethora of passionate interests in which I plan to pursue, without a doubt. When I envision my future, it is not merely comprised of telling people to eat more carrots. Yes, I want people to eat more carrots and I will forever encourage nutrition, but I am feeling utterly inspired as of two days ago to explain here on my blog my own personal place as a writer, a creative expressionist, someone who loves eating and promoting the consumption of wholesome foods (a.k.a nutritionist), a painter, a photograph-taking-lover, someone who enjoys spiritual ventures and musings, a philosopher, a cosmic-enthusiast, and as a girl. 

My fundamental point here is that I have been desperately yearning for the ability and permission to be wholly authentic, in myself and in my business. I want to display, promote and express a whole assortment of things, not linearly or exclusively one thing. When I say "permission" I am indeed referring to this apparent fearfulness and need within myself to have approval and reassurance from others. Reassurance from society perhaps, that I can and will succeed in this world as an authentic woman who stands true to her morals and beliefs. I realize society will certainly not provide me with the approval I seek. So I am giving myself permission. Right here, right now. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.

I see people that make livings through carrying out a variety of different jobs that are authentic to who they are. Creative writers that are doulas and yoga instructors and musical teachers and farmers and photographers and bloggers, all combined. Seeing people who live this way inspires me tremendously, for it is that which is precisely my desire. To live a versatile life. A simple life. My at times depressingly disapproved stance on nearly all things I am aware of in this society leads me to an inherent need to flee from it all and remember who and what I am as a human being.

So, once again, my fundamental point is really that I am not interested whatsoever in just expressing merely nutrition as part of my role as a Holistic Nutritionist; as part of my "career". As part of what I'd like to offer others. As part of what I'd like to talk about, write about, blog about, educate others about. I have opinions, beliefs, ideas, philosophies and knowledge that I simply cannot refrain from expressing to solely please some invisible standard and thereby sacrifice who I am. I am a nutritionist, but not only that. I am only at the very beginning of my journey of blossoming.

For what it's worth, here is a list of a few things I intend and absolutely plan to pursue. This is a confirmation for the Universe to allow it to manifest, of course!:

• Yoga Instructor certification (in India, preferably)
• Take part in some sort of art course/retreat (painting, drawing, sculpting, etc.) for several weeks far away, up north, away from city life.
• Take a course in Energy Medicine
• Take a Reiki course
• Take a course in metaphysical sciences
• Become a doula (once I've experienced NATURAL childbirth and have become a parent myself. I've always been fascinatingly interested in the human body, the female body. The magnificence of it all. Long story short, I've become obsessed with and intrigued by pregnancy lately).
• Travel the world.
• Live in a cob house.
• Live in British Columbia. Or Norway. Or Switzerland.

Slow Down & Be Patient

I had an epiphany the other night. Actually I've had a few.

I've been going through many processes and transformations this year. Questioning myself, losing myself, finding myself, settling into myself. Thoroughly feeling the myriad of emotions in which accompany the human experience.

One thing that I have really needed lately is to  s l o w   d o w n. I've been caught up in a whirlwind of busyness and an overwhelming load of to-do lists, tasks and obligations. Mostly though I've come to realize that I seem to be doing a lot of it to myself. Unnecessarily taking on more than I can handle. But, all is well. I truly believe that everything that happens in our lives is meant to happen. We always are where we're supposed to be! I'll often think "What's the lesson in this?"

So I found myself with revelations abound; realizing that I've got so many things going on all at the same time and that I really am doing more than I need to; that I'm rushing and hurrying everything in my life; that I'm not embracing patience or presence; that I need a time out to assess my situation and that mostly, I don't have to have everything right now. It all comes in time. It's all a process. (P.S., writing or talking issues, worries, anxieties, etc. out with someone will almost inevitably bring you to conclusions).

The picture shown here was taken when I went for a bike ride the other afternoon. I'm certain that bike riding is one of the most freeing and blissful activities out there. I've found myself just soaking up any morsel of peace and solitary moment I get, such as when I stood on the shore and breathed. I think I've really lacked that aspect of solitude in my life lately (something that is crucial to my well-being). Even a couple weeks ago when I was driving home, radio on, setting sun beaming on my face, windows down, tears. I was hit with an overflowing sensation of freedom for a few short minutes.

A New Chapter!

The page has been turned to a new chapter in my life. I am going to attempt to coherently and accurately express how I feel about this new chapter to the best of my ability, though there is a great deal involved and it is all so spectacular and overwhelming at the same time.

This week was the start of my formal studies in Holistic Nutrition - a path I chose to take that comes deep from within and is the product of a lot of introspection and heart-following.

I am in the midst of adjusting to an entirely new routine. And I mean, a 180 degree turn. For nearly two years I was out of school and my daily life was comprised of plenty of free time which allowed for a great deal of growth, solitude and beautifulness. However now my days are essentially very full and I am discovering the importance of managing my time properly to ensure I have adequate space to complete all of my new found responsibilities. 

The best part about this new busyness is that it is absolutely thrilling. I am learning such an enormous amount and it is everything I want to know about! I am simply a sponge. I am fully present and enthused and SO ready for this chapter! It has been such a lengthy wait, I really cannot explain all the details involved in just this post, but simply put... the time has finally come.

The night before my first day of classes I was reading through my course notes notebook and nearly cried at how surreal the information was at the start of the notes. Long story short, the first epiphany I had when I abruptly began awakening spiritually to an enormous range of things two years ago was simplicity and the very important concept of living simply, frugally, fully. The first thing that was discussed in my notes was exactly that. Immediately I realized this wave of paralleled happenings - how it has come back to me, two years later, full circle, in a whole new format yet the same information thus truly deepening and expanding this journey and path I am on. And with other information as well, this new chapter in my life has reintroduced me to those exact realizations and exact feelings I had a long time ago. It's like the beginning of my inner journey is almost identical to the beginning of this new journey...! So, it is hard for me to properly explain how surreal this unexpectedly became just due to the nature of how everything is so seemingly interrelated. But at the same time, it is hardly a surprise.

When you follow your callings you will inevitably land amongst such surreality and synchronicity and all other sorts of splendid circumstances that you have attracted into your life.

So, as I said before, I am currently just trying to focus on finding a new kind of balance in this new chapter, new journey. The fall is my favourite season and I have been yearning for some walks in the cool, windy air amongst the trees. I have also, almost desperately, been needing more meditation in my life and that I intend to nurture.

Just blowing in the breeze of life ~ ~ ~

Simplicity

Me in my dorm room in college, Dec. 4/2009

Journal entries from one year ago:

Simplicity – December 5/2009

I have come to the decision that I am going to simplify my life. I am going to rid myself as much as possible of chaos, complexity and unnecessary items.

I’m going to throw things out. Clean out my drawers; reduce the amount of clutter I own; the amount of clutter I carry around with me every day.

It starts now.

(11:14pm)

Dec. 5/09

I invision my (simple) life to be clearer, quieter and free. No clutter, only essentials and important things that make me happy. My (simple) life will be happy; and full of only things that I like, need, value and appreciate.

Dec. 6/09

I can't wait for simpleness. For perfect organization. For a mind of complete clarity, true happiness, true contentment.

Exactly one year ago today was when my life truly began to change. I had my very first full blown, life-altering epiphany. It's the foundation of what has shaped me into the girl I am today.

It was late in the evening and I was sitting on my floor in my dorm room. I looked around me. And I realized - something I've never realized before - that I didn't need, or want, any of the things that surrounded me. Everything I owned was suddenly completely useless. That little flat screen TV I just had to have for college, all those over-expensive clothes hanging in the closet, too many pairs of shoes sitting by my door, too much crap in my purse, too much, too much, too much! Nearly every single thing I owned no longer meant anything to me. I started clearing out my room. Throwing shit out. Getting rid of things. I remember specifically I had a wallet that my best friend got for me for my birthday which I really wanted, and I stopped using it right then and there. It was too fancy. Too unnecessary. I switched to a tiny little simple wallet that my Nana brought back from Ireland.

I wanted everything to be simple. All I wanted was simplicity. Frugality.

That same night I deleted tons of stupid pop music from my iPod and started downloading tons of ambient, meditation music. And that night I listened to it all. I absorbed every soothing sound and felt the rush of simplicity pour into my life. One of those songs that I still listen to today reminds me totally of those last few weeks in college after my simplicity transformation.

My room was so clean and tidy. I lit candles and enveloped myself in the soft music and clarity of my new mind and environment. 

When I got home after withdrawing and completing the semester, I remember I cleared out just about every single belonging I had in my bedroom. And literally, quite literally, my room had nothing but a few necessary things. I threw out almost all my clothes (I remember my best friend thinking I was crazy and what a waste of money) but it felt so good. All those stupid clothes were gone and replaced with basic attire. Since then I have filled my closet over time with beautiful pieces from different stores (my favourite places to shop are thrift stores) and have truly made my style my own, an expression of how I feel in the inside (and it certainly isn't basic). I love wearing and having things that are meaningful.


Today, simplicity is the foundation of who I am (since then I've experienced zillions of epiphanies that have further defined me). I always sink back into that mindset and remember how important it is to keep things simple. It keeps me clear. In retrospect I kind of think that that clearing-out phase I went through was a result of the break up I was going through. It was me subconsciously clearing my life and starting over on a fresh, clean slate.

This is a painting I made when I was fully submerged in simple living.
Ever since that night, I have not looked at life the same in terms of materialism. And it goes so much deeper than that. I hate it. I think it's so useless and I feel that too many people's lives revolve around things. Too much doing and having and not enough being. Too much noise and nonsense, chaos and busyness. Not enough quiet and thinking. Not enough appreciation. Too much wanting more, more, more. Things, things, things.

Things don't bring fulfillment. And this is something I discovered that night. This is where my journey truly began.

The Beginning of the Beginning

Moving in day - on my way
to college. Sept/2009

A year ago today was the day that began to change everything for me. It was the beginning of the beginning of who I am today; what I believe in, and how I approach life.

The program I studied in college was Health Information Management. On November 28th 2009, I went on a field trip to a hospital with my Intro to HIM class to get a feel for where we would potentially find employment, and to gain further understanding of what the job as an HIM professional entails.

We all toured the various departments and floors. We were taken to some sort of filing room. Aisles and aisles and skinny rows jammed packed with health records, files, folders. We were lead through the floor of women sitting in cubicles staring at double screened computers who were coding and whatnot and typing away silently on their keyboards. The only word I know of in the English language to describe what was going through my mind is boring.We were then taken down an elevator to the basement of the hospital to this huge concrete underground place full of boxes that were full of more records and papers and files and folders and pictures and x-rays and information waiting to be destroyed. Right when we exited the metal gates of the basement department, my mind raced with fear, concern and confusion. Fear because I was utterly afraid of my career leading in this direction, concern because I had no idea what I was going to do  about this program or how I was going to deal with it, and confusion because I totally did not expect my future to look anything like what I had seen.

All I could think was, I do not want to do this.


And this is when my life began to change. We all left the hospital - actually, as we took the elevator back up it broke down and all 20 or 25 of us were stuck in it for about an hour; this was humorous and scary at the same time, but a totally different story to tell altogether - and I could feel something inside of me changed. The stew was beginning to brew.

When I got back to my residence, I went into my room and began researching the program more in depth, and realized how much I hadn't known about it. I realized how much I didn't want to be in it. I was scared. I was shocked. I was lost. What was I going to do?

The big issue about the whole ordeal was that it was a long, hard road for me to get into the program in the first place. Not academically, but because of a relationship I was in (that ended only a couple months before) that made my life terribly difficult in terms of making my own decisions (especially with moving away to school) due to the fact that who I was with was a very restricting person. Loving nonetheless, but jealous, controlling and highly restricting. In fact, the ending of the relationship is what was so changing for me. I don't even know how I can explain it, but it's a monumental aspect to my story and my journey of who I am today. Basically, I was with someone for about four years (all through high school, y'know, high school sweetheart, love of my life, and at the tender age that we were together while still growing up so much, we defined and molded eachother into who we were). So the breakup in August 2009 was tremendous. Huge. Astronomical. Piercingly painful. To have to deal with that and be away from everything you've ever known, smooshed together in a town and school full of people you don't even know, with nobody to really feel you can talk to, is pretty hard and lonely. The girl I am today is not even in the slightest most tiniest way even close to who I was back then. I never meant to get into this topic nor have I wanted to post anything about it on a public blog, but I guess it has everything to do with what this post is about, how my life began to change.

My thoughts are all mumbled and jumbled into pieces right now as I wish I could explain this all so smoothly and perfectly. I guess what I've been trying to say is that, it was so very stressful and painful and difficult yet exciting and rewarding for me to go away to college, and then when I realized that I didn't want to do it anymore, it was just... a big deal. But what I think I'm really trying to say, and what is really truly amazing and enlightening about it all, is that I realized that I wanted to live a life that I love. That I wanted to pursue a life that I enjoy. And this lesson was such a wonderful lesson. I didn't actually think of it as a lesson back then, until all my epiphanies started about a week later... something I will very much so be discussing soon.

I chose Health Information Management because I love health and I thought I loved healthcare. I guess I thought I knew what the program was all about. At least, I knew I loved the human body, so I jumped at the idea of taking an anatomy and physiology class. After I decided otherwise on the program, what I realized I knew I did truly love and was very interested in and passionate about was nutrition. Oh so much. I love nutrition. I am so interested in it. So for the remaining month I had left at school, I researched schools and programs and the qualifications I needed in order to study nutrition in University. After I signed the program withdrawal forms and completed my semester and left back home, I eagerly and excitedly began to do correspondence at home to get the University level credits I needed to go to University. I did complete an English course with an 86% back in February of this year, but since then I have actually made other plans for my future and University isn't it. I talk a bit about it in these posts here and here.

I've learned and had what seems like billions of lessons and epiphanies and life-changing revelations that I will and am eager to discuss very soon! This was only the beginning of the beginning...

Lessons from a Stranger & Life as we know it

This weekend I visited my best friend Julia at her University for Halloween. I was originally supposed to be a pioneer, but ended up some sort of fairy ballerina. I'll put up some pictures when I get them.
On Saturday we went to the grocery store and as we were in an aisle choosing gravy, I noticed I was in a man's way while trying to find the spot to put a packet back on the shelf. I immediately manifested feelings of pressure to hurry up as I mumbled words of quick apologies.
Once I put the item back, the man continued walking by me saying, "Don't worry so much. Life is too short to be in a hurry." In my head all I could think of was thank you, thank you, thank you! in complete and utter acknowledgement. I couldn't agree more with what he said to me. But all I could muster up was a quick smile and a chuckle.

On my post from October 1st, I wondered what the month would bring to me. And something huge did happen. Throughout my spiritual journey from nearly a year ago, I have experienced plenty of awakenings and epiphanies and the month of October brought me a delightful confirmation of something I have been seeking an answer to for quite some time.

I
experienced
Enlightenment.

I came to the truest of all true realizations about life as we know it, and I must have been Enlightened because when the moment occurred I froze with an unearthly yet beautiful sensation deep within. The word enlighten means to gain awareness or knowledge, and I gained total understanding as to what and who we are as living, breathing organisms here on Earth in this miraculously strange Universe.

And what we are is consciousness. Awareness.

Forget about your desires, your goals, your influences, your body, your past, your future. All there ever is, is right now. All there ever is, is perpetual consciousness.
And I have for quite some time adopted this way of thinking, but it was the fact that I gained the understanding as to how it is that I thought about things this way - and it was the event of exquisite Enlightenment.

This was something important that happened to me in October. Thought I'd share. Now all I can wonder is, what will this November bring? ;)