Rise Again

Heaviness is only temporary

the daylight will soon break in.

It's cloudy today. I woke up to pouring rain outside my window and a cat perched on my hip.

It's been just about four months since I've been on my own, and I'm stronger than I've ever been. Still there's a spoonful or two of ache in my heart, and he crosses my mind, but lately, I've been thinking about how incredibly content I feel beneath it all. How grounded and confident I am with where I'm at. I am loving my life.

I was reading through some of my notes from a few years ago on how painfully anxious I was. Timid, afraid, worried, insecure, uncertain. I can't quite pinpoint when or where I blossomed into who I am and what I feel today, right now, these days. At what point did I begin to shrug off the fears and let go of the mind-made stories? Somewhere, I suppose.

My life has been particularly enjoyable knowing that I have been creating a life for myself that I truly wanted; that I've written about and hoped for. Many of my dreams are painting themselves to life, and there are fleeting moments where I feel a surge of clarity, and excitement. It's lots of fun.

Good things have come into my life since I left it all behind. Good things. Solid things. Happiness I can touch and feel, a wholesomeness I've longed for. Even amidst the harder days, the darker days, or the moments where my strength is really being tested, I look up and I get this overwhelming reassurance that everything I have done in my life up until now is leading me exactly where I need to go, exactly where I need to be. And right now, on my own, is just that.

I've developed this attitude where each time I feel guilt or pain, I know that the discomfort only gets easier the more I allow it in. The more I refuse to cave in to the temptation of slipping backwards to some place comfortable and the more I keep stepping forward, the more I grow stronger. It's literally like working your muscles at the gym, except it's your heart and your head. You push yourself toward your goal or what you know is right; there is pain, it is sore, but it eases somehow, and you get better.

Oh, I know,

I'm gonna rise again

Set my sights on where I'm going

and my goodbye's are where I've been.

Lunar Shenanigans

Polona said it well when she explained the intensity behind November 28th's full moon and lunar eclipse:

"In these times of the intense energies that are culminating around the lunar eclipse today, we are asked to bring anything that still lies in the dark, into the Light of the Truth ... Symbolically, the Moon represents our shadow (that which is not aware), as the Sun represents our Light (our awareness), so as the Moon passes through, the shadow wishes to be exposed to the Light. We are asked to just BE and allow the new awareness to rise up to the surface. Know that we cannot run from anything, especially ourselves, because we experience through our own existence. We have to face everything head on, with honesty, courage and devotion."

It is exactly the concept of this that I have been experiencing, and with great intensity indeed! A lot of supressed intuitive callings within me have been bursting and truly brought into the light. Much of my "shadow", so to speak, has certainly been exposed and tested. It's always so funny when I notice that I experience particularly trying situations around a time when such experiences would be called for. This lunar eclipse has been fierce, that is for sure.

Breathe, allow, be. Release resistance. Acknowledge the ego, our egoic thought patterns, and observe them passing through and out. These days we really require that extra gentleness and understanding within ourselves.

If I really wanted to, I could...

Me, these days.

I don't know what it is but lately, late at night, I'm feeling just so inspired and creative! I want to share so many different things. I feel like I'm made of bubbles. I'm actually feeling ridiculously good these days. It's after midnight and I won't allow myself to sleep until I write.

I knew that after I completed my whirlwind-of-a-year of school, stress and other fun things, that I would really need to do some inner work. And I'm talkin' some real digging. Whilst roaming the small, crowded aisles of shelves and nooks of books and magic at my favourite local metaphysical shop, I spotted the book that I knew I would have to get at some point in my life: You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. Sounds kind of cheesy but no, it's actually brilliant.

Although I'll refrain from going into too many details, the gist of it is quite simply cultivating self-love. Delving into the layers of your life, beneath all the long-held negative thought patterns and ridiculous beliefs that serve us no good; acknowledging them, understanding them, moving through them, releasing them. Finding that pure part of us that is free of fears and full of self-love. Oh and not to mention, the book is jam-packed with amazing affirmations.

The outline of the book is very similar to a Psychology of Disease class I took, an Energy Medicine course, which was very deep. Full of soul-searching, reconciling, healing...

One of the main things that has really stuck out at me is her exercise on the word should. It's genius, and I totally agree. Using the word "should" is very limiting. In the words of Louise, using the word should means we either "are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong". Screw that. Instead of "I should..." it's all about this:

If I really wanted to, I could...

Because you see, could gives us choice. It was very powerful for me when I made a list of all the things I thought I "should" do in order to be or feel a certain way. By replacing it with "if I really wanted to, I COULD do this or that to be or feel this or that", it opens up a whole new world of understanding that we wholly choose what we want to think, feel and do. 

Wanna know what's also cool? If we really want to, we really can. Cause guess what? We live in a Universe of infinite possibilities.

I really should be sleeping now. Away I go!

Expression, Fall, Camping & Magic

I'm feeling particularly creative right now and really feel like writing. As I have mentioned here and elsewhere, my life has been the quintessence of change. I got lost a wee bit (more than once), but particularly in the process of opening my website - deciding what goes where, what posts should be shared at what location, losing touch with what feels right and authentic for me. This blog is very dear to my heart. I never thought it would become as such, but it has become quite meaningful. Sentimental. Special. Free Spirit Journal represents all of me; a safe vessel where I have allowed myself to free-flow creatively.

Anyways, what I am trying to say is that along my adventure into the world of website-owning, I didn't know what to do with this blog. Would I just neglect it? How would I utilize it? How should I continue to share? It was making me feel uneasy. All I know is that ultimately, continuing with this blog the way I always have is exactly what I want to do and makes me feel nice.

I wanted to share three things today. The fall, camping, and magic.

These days now I can really sense that autumn-like air. That September-esque vibe. And quite frankly, I like it. The fall is my very favourite season and for good reason. Cool, windy, brisk air. Red, orange, yellow leaves. Jackets. Boots. Scarves. Hats. Walks. Sidewalks. There's just simply a very characteristic feel about that time of year. Words can't quite describe. Feeling is the language of the Universe, after all ;-) I'm just really looking forward to it.

I got back yesterday from a weekend of camping up north in Huntsville, Ontario. I love nature, of course I was excited. I couldn't wait to be amongst trees and oxygen. I'm a forest fairy (people call me that anyway), I really relish in and resonate with the energies of trees, moss and earth. I'm also a Capricorn, an Earth element. A mountain goat. I like groundedness (but don't be fooled - I am a fairy after all!)

The weekend turned out to be 100% rain. I like to think of myself as a pretty optimistic person; before we left when the weatherman was calling for rain all weekend I was still feeling pretty nonchalant and even excited about prancing around in misty forest air. Ultimately I knew a lesson would be learned by the end of it, if anything.

No. Couldn't fool myself. It was awful. It wasn't even innocent, harmless rain that came and went. It was just perpetual showers with intermittent down-pours and thunder. Everything was wet, damp, moist, sticky. By the end of it we just laughed at how ridiculous the situation became. It only got worse, but more comical. However, I was still able to find a few moments of awe at the beauty of dewy, misty trees like the second picture shown. I wasn't going a whole 3 hours north without closing my eyes and breathing in the beauty of everything. It was so green!

I lastly just wanted to share a little tidbit of my day today. I went to one of my favourite metaphysical shops today. Every time I'm in there I'm always so overwhelmed. Too interested in everything I see so it's hard to focus on one thing at a time. Trinkets are everywhere, books, candles, incense, crystals, gemstones. I got a little "Magic" star that I'm going to keep in my wallet. It very particularly stood out for me because "magic" seems to me my word of choice for most things I describe. I just say it a lot for some reason. It represents everything in life - everything is just... magic. :)

Meg

perpetual transmutation

You know what's funny?
How things change.

And it's constant, too. Nothing is ever the same! This constant flow of perpetual transformation and transmutation blows my mind.

But there's something beautiful about it. And perplexing at the same time. Although, it seems, much of the change that we anticipate is of the future; of mental constructs like bricks building upon one another of un-manifested, intangible realities that really are non-existent. One minute the jigsaw was fit one way and the next minute it's a totally different puzzle. So, you see, in this way we can assume not to grasp on so tightly to our various preconceptions.

Am I making sense?

Think about it this way. Just one infinitesimal rearrangement of happenings and the whole cascade of forthcoming events is altered. It's crazy.

I do believe I'm unintentionally referring to the chaos theory.

But even completely unrelated to that sort of butterfly effect, I'm referring to how our plans change with just the flick of a switch. Something that effects us, changes our mind or shifts our perspective and ultimately alters the paths we're on.

This makes me think about how we design every single moment in whichever way we choose.

Oneness

Hello June

I took the time to meditate for a few minutes today and found myself on another astral plane characterized by unexplainable sensations of nothingness. I entered the cosmic realm of transparency. The subtle ambient music occupying space in the background turned into nothing but wavelengths of sound. Frequencies. Vibrations. An exquisite oasis of serenity filled my heart to the brim; freedom transfused into my cells.

Oneness, oneness, oneness.

thoughts and observations on a sunny afternoon

The breeze blowing through my hair, through the trees, through blades of grass, through anything that will move to and fro, wax and wane, ebb and flow
last season leaves and twigs gently roll
bright orange petals
colourful efflorescence
a bird flies overhead faster than sound
birds chirping up in the rafters, up in the trees,
above my head they dance
to my left a group of noisy birds playing on branches
so close I can hear the flutter of their wings
illuminates the stillness
a crow in the distance
the sun beating on my skin
the sky is the bluest shade of blue
silence breaks with the heavy gust of wind, sound of rushing air
as it passes silence ensues

I'm at peace
I'm One
I can feel the inter-connectedness
I feel whole
I feel connected
I feel light
the tall pines remind me of northern winters
and the bare elms remind me it's only the beginning of blooming
I like all the colours that nature bears - they're crisp, real, pure
I have all those colours within me for I am nature
just a fragment of the cosmos
I love how it feels when the wind blows around me
I feel engulfed, embraced, entranced
I feel welcome and included
Just another form of energy not created nor destroyed
only transformed
always eternal though I don't know how

I feel... comfortable.

peaceful.

I like sitting on the grass
I feel all the elements around me -
ether, air, fire, water, earth
it makes so much sense but not really at all
the earth beneath me, the moist soil, the fiery sun sparkling
the gusting wind and everything of existence occupying the space that surrounds me, my physical body, between my organs and cells and atoms is this silent space of nothingness.
I can feel the eternal essence
perpetual existence, transcending the illusion of time
for time is nothing
and now is what there is
with all its entities, sounds, smells, cosmic fragments of this reality. One of many. Infinite realities. Infinite dimensions.
Finite comprehension but infinite possibilities.

I feel infinite right now.
I love this sun on me, I feel like how I should
wondering quietly, what is wind? how did the universe originate?
is originate even the appropriate word?
I lay down on my back gazing upwards
two birds soar steadily high up above, parallel to eachother, beneath the blue
a mourning dove calls, pleasant describes this.

The earth is moving too fast
rooftops cloaking the sun
I don't want to lose these rays
they're fueling my satiety

A squirrel appears on the fence; abrupt, agile
talking its talk
closest I've been
I can see it so clear my idea of them was different
I can see the details of its fur
looks like a rat
It looks at me
Is it going to attack me?
I release the fear and observe instead

Deep, deep, deep breath in
smells like fresh air
a stretch
and an exhale
slow deep breaths of cool zephyr
healing my body
relaxing my mind
soothing my soul
renewing my spirit

moon shine

~the moon tonight

moonshine
illuminating the periwinkle skies
as the dusk rolls in
painting a picture
for my eyes,
bright pearl in celestial bliss
I could sit and stare
daydreams for company.

Bonfires & Outer Space Dreaming

The other night I went to my friend's friends house who lives on a huge piece of land with forest and beautifulness and he even sells organic produce! Anyway we went for a bonfire, some music and a good time. It was pretty cool. People were playing guitar and bongo drums and lots of singing and the best part was the super awesome conversation I had with a cool Robert Plant look-a-like guy :P We just talked wonderfully about yoga and philosophy and holistic health and Oneness and the Universe and speaking of the Universe...

The other night, for the second time ever, I dreamed I went to outer space. Just like the first time, it was so real and so damn COOL!

IT WAS AWESOME!

Myself and various people were in a very small capsule-shaped spaceship on a 3 day trip to Planet X. At one view of the dream, this capsule spaceship was extremely crammed and you had to either sit or bend down to fit. But from another view of the dream, the inside was a giant gymnasium with the walls painted pictures of the Earth and geographical layouts.

I was nervous travelling on this 3 day trip because I was worried the spaceship would break down or fall back down to Earth and we'd all die. But the trip was fine and we flew through the blackness, amongst the stars with perfect views of other planets we passed by. We arrived on Planet X, and I remember it was very quiet and beautiful and I hoped the rest of the population of Earth wouldn't come because then it would become busy and loud.

Anyways! Today I went and got the moldings for my retainer, oh boy oh boy oh boy!! My braces will be off in only 2 weeks!! I'm also seeing Sam Roberts in concert this Friday at Massey Hall in downtown Toronto! Can't wait!!

High Vibes~

~Mango Banana Coconut Raisin fruit salad

Hello hello hello hello hello hello hello!

Last night I posted a post, but for some reason it did not post. Except now it magically re-appeared...

Anyways... I feel GREAT today! I am having a marvelous, splendid, amazing day. Want to know why? Of course you do.

Firstly, as I had posted in this mysteriously non-existent/magically reappearing post from last night in which I just deleted (it's probably cursed because it is Friday the 13th), I have decided that I want to start getting up really early in the mornings. I read some tips on becoming an early riser and basically you should go to bed only when your body is tired, but wake up at the same time every single day. Even on the weekends. I decided I want to start getting up around 5-5:30am for a few reasons. I've really, really tenderly beautifully magnificently wanted to start getting back into my yoga practice. It has been a while I must say. The mornings yield a spectacular opportunity for peace and solitude, as it is such a quiescent time of day. Most everybody is asleep and all that is animated are the birds, rising sun, dew on the grass and crisp, sweet air. Mmmm. So I want to start getting up early to just Be. To just breathe and observe life as it unfolds in the morning, before the busyness begins. I want to go for walks while it is quiet outside and the sun is just beginning to shine on the Earth.

So today I actually did wake up, sit up and stretch at 5:00am. But then it was really dark outside and I didn't know what to do so I, not without mental conflict, fell back asleep until 6:40am. I was a bit disappointed but still happy because that is a lot earlier than usual! I'll work on it though. So that's one of the reasons why I'm in a good mood today.

Another reason why I feel excellent is because I have been eating ALL RAW for like two days! Oh yeah! That's what I'm talkin' bout! The photo I posted is my breakfast :) Sliced yellow mango, sliced banana, a handful of raisins, a drizzle of flaxseed oil, a sprinkle of organic shredded coconut, a spoonful of hemp seeds and a dash of cinnamon. It was extraordinary.

I'm also just feeling extremely connected to myself. In more ways than one. I lied down on my floor and drew and doodled a bit last night... I've really been feeling the lack of art in my life these days so that really lifted me up a bit. Plus this lovely yoga I've been doing more of and I just feel so contemplative and philosophical these days about the Universe and outer space and life and love and beauty and wonderfulness, especially since my brother and I took his ginormous telescope out the other night and viewed the big bright beautiful moon and little wee far away Saturn. Sometimes I envision myself, let's say, floating on a lost rock up in the mysterious, cold, pitch-black nothingness up there in space; gazing down at the Earth amongst the moon and stars. The thought comforts me somehow, in an eerie sort of way. We are little wee organisms floating and spinning in Nowhere Land! Free your mind and soul and spirit and just live! Break those invisible chains that govern us!

My insides feel so jubilant and effervescent are iridescent because I'm off for like an entire week and it's so warm out today and I feel so great and awesome and AHHH!

Life Force

I am drinking some green juice that I just freshly juiced with my juicer, and I want to talk about the Life Force.

All [raw] fruits and vegetables and herbs and sprouts are alive. They have life contained within them. When you consume them, you are invariably drinking in that life. Also known as the Life Force. When you drink in that life, you can feel it. You can feel the nutrients run through your blood.

They detoxify you and replenish you at a cellular level. They regenerate and rejuvenate, alkalize and purify. When most people eat they don't ever think twice about what occurs at a cellular level. Our cells know how we feel, what we think, what we consume. When we eat pure, nourishing foods that are intended to energize, awaken and provide true, natural health to us, our cells and everything contained inside of us benefit. You know this because you can feel it.

When your body is purified with whole, natural, particularly uncooked, unmodified or changed in any way foods, you are uplifted and enlightened and happy and connected with the Whole itself. You don't feel disconnected or dislodged from Source, that being yourself and the Universe. You're not weighed down with chemical, toxin-pumped modified foods that are depleted of all Life Force. You are One.

This post is becoming a wee bit more intense and spiritual than I intended, but how can I not get into the topics of the Universe and being connected when discussing foods are are essentially from the Universe itself? It's all interconnected in all ways. Who, what and where we are is all One, to say the least.

If you are lacking the feelings inside you that radiate Oneness, then I assure you if you just simply eat primarily, not necessarily entirely, but a lot of fruits, vegetables, herbs, sprouts, some nuts and seeds, you will begin to feel that connection with yourself and the Earth. It makes complete and utter sense.

Anyways. I just wanted to discuss the Life Force whilst drinking my Life Force-filled green juice.

Sending all who read this love, peace, joy and positive vibrations :)

Good Vibrations

My "Law of Attraction" necklace

The other night I was researching about the law of attraction, setting your vibrational tone and things like that, and the next day I really wanted to practice sending out positive vibrations and thoughts and see if anything would happen. Well, I got some gift cards for Christmas for the thrift store (my favourite place) and I was looking at a necklace I really liked.

Without even thinking about the law of attraction, I was just happily mindin' my own business while in my head wanting and wishing the necklace was free. "I wish I didn't have to pay for this..." I got to the line up and a man in front of me was doing an exchange. I guess the way the store worked was that the item you're exchanging has to be the same price as your previous item. So the man had a few dollars left to spend in order for the transaction to go through, and he eagerly turned to me and said, "how much is that? Here give me it," and he got the cashier to ring it through.

I got the necklace for free!! Is that not mysterious and cool?? Totally blew my mind. How often does that happen? Seriously.

So last night I was at the bookstore and was reading a bit of The Secret. It's all about the law of attraction and I'm totally aware of it now. I truly do believe that if you are thinking about what you do want (in regards to anything in life) as opposed to focusing on what you don't want, then the Universe sends good things!

Have a positive mindset... re-condition yourself to always think good thoughts rather than negative ones. Send out good vibrations and the Universe will send them back to you!

Favourite Gift and the Sky

This is my favourite present I was given for Christmas. It's a bracelet with a crystal tree pendant and on the flip side it reads live the green life. The little tin it came in said "live in the present". Isn't that so clever? And I'm totally all about living in the moment ;)
My other favourite present is the calendar I got. Every Christmas I get a new calendar, and I love getting new ones. I just love putting them up and changing the page for each new month. This year I asked for a calendar with either mountains, nature, or something of the like with inspirational quotes if possible (I love inspirational quotes). The calendar I got is landscape photographs of Canada.

You know, this is the first Christmas where I really didn't want anything.  I just don't have that desire for things like I used to.

I'm excited for the new year. This year went by so fast. Time in general is going by so fast... it never seemed to. Christmas happened so out of nowhere that I barely noticed it. Usually each year I have some sort of miniature exciting countdown in my head but this year it was just like "Oh, now it's Boxing Day." Perhaps it's because I've been working so much...

Either way, the new year is approaching so very quickly and I know 2011 is going to be a good year. Every year to come will be a good one... because I am more aware now than ever of this deep never-ending journey I am on that just keeps teaching me all kinds of new lessons all the time.

One more thing I wanted to mention is about the sky. Lately I have noticed that I look up to the sky a lot. And when I look up to it, it grounds me. You know what I mean? I look to it and I think of its limitless boundaries and the space and stars and Universe that's up there. That we're in, rather. But when I think of this, it removes the seriousness of daily life from the moment and reminds me that we are only floating in space. And how can we take that seriously? It's laughable. There's nothing to worry about, nothing to fret over, there are no problems, life is life. It is what it is. No worries. Because we're floating around in space.

I always seem to talk about the Universe on this blog. I guess I think about it a lot.

Happy holidays

Where are we?

I am blowing my mind right now. I'm reading about the Universe and the Big Bang theory, among others, and looking at photos and diagrams of galaxies and blackness and space.

Where are we?
We are atomic, imperceptible, insignificantly minuscule microscopic teeny tiny life forms. We are not just in our house. We are not just in our town or our country. We are not driving down the street on this planet called Earth. We are floating around in the middle of fucking nowhere. We are drifting about in a super-colossal, monumental, massively astronomically enormous unknown place.

You know how the cells and atoms in our bodies are so incredibly small compared to, lets say, planets? Well I like to think of our Universe as a mirror of the microscopic life that is all around us. Things orbit in space just as things in our bodies do. I bet just one atom is a Universe in itself. And humans and all living organisms on Earth are like, ribosomes in a cell. If the Universe did begin from the Big Bang, then I wonder what exactly the explosion was. Do little explosions happen inside of us? I'd like to know. Because if so, then I bet the Big Bang was just an explosion that happened inside of... something. Some living thing. And these things go on and on and on forever.

This photo here blows my mind also. When I read the name "Ursa Major" I just imagined that being a woman who is so incredibly significant and much, much more important than little beings on earth. All of the names that are given to clusters and stars and galaxies sound so important. And the Milky Way is only one teensy little galaxy out of bajillions and bajillions of much greater galaxies.

All I want to know is why, what, how, who and where are we?