Twenty Six

Today is my 26th birthday.

I booked today off work, a snowy Tuesday that has turned into heavy, slushy rain; but I spent the entire day listening to a meditation playlist, drinking banana-coconut milk, baking grain-free birthday brownies, blushing over the amount of well wishes, and doing a little bit of reading.

This birthday is the very first birthday out of all of my birthdays where I feel a little bit of discomfort. Usually I am lively and ecstatic on my special day, and I love to celebrate, but this time around the sun I'm feeling a little out of sorts.

My birthday is very close to the holiday season, and my holidays this year were a little somber. I found myself unusually wishing for Christmas to hurry up and be over and for New Years to quickly pass. I am still just processing some big, big stuff, and I'm thankful it is 2017, because 2016 was full to the brim with the difficulty of ending a relationship and the rise of some digestive health issues.

I've been spending a lot of time the past little while working on myself and filling up my pockets with a bounty of positivity in the form of affirmations and things of the like. In fact, my bedroom is stocked with tiny little notes of reassuring and encouraging words to keep me from twirling downward into that scary dark hole of anxiety and horrible thoughts. I must say, I feel really great as a result; I wake each morning telling myself my life is unfolding perfectly, that I can handle anything that comes my way, and that I always know the answers.

Being alone is scary, but it's thrilling. Regardless of what's behind me and what's to come, I am happy, and I'm excited about the future. I trust myself, the path I've walked thus far, and the path that's before me - whatever stones and twigs and roses I find along the way.

Dew and Dawn

Oxford in the Fall, 2015.

It's the middle of September, and it's right about now that the air is just crisp enough to make any breeze feel holy and healing. I open my bedroom window first thing in the morning and I stand there breathing in the sweetness of dew and dawn.

Fall to me is the very beginning, or at least, makes me feel like the perfect time to begin. Spring is much the same, but nothing compares to the fiery leaves and crumpled blooms that once had a story. Mornings are especially divine but impossible to describe with words.

If I was, though, to choose a word to describe how fall mornings make me feel, I would say euphoric. Dreamy, perhaps, and inspired. So inspired that it's electric; invigorating and quenches my thirsty soul.

Freedom

The past few days have been such beautiful days. I'm not only referring to the bright sun, the singing birds, the soft rain, or the sound of the wind; but emotionally - I am free.

I'm finally, finally free.

For over two years I put the voice of my spirit on hold. I literally hushed it silent. I kept any of its words to a minimum, prohibited to speak up. And if this doesn't make sense, what I mean is, I consciously told the parts of me that knew the place I was at and the relationship I was in that was wrong, was just fine. I told myself that my fears, concerns, and doubts were petty, insignificant, unimportant, and certainly not worthy of ruining my time spent trying desperately to live a life that was as backwards and upside down as anything I've ever known.

I can say to myself that I should have done something sooner, but everything that was placed in my lap up until this point, right here, right now, is everything I needed in order to grow, and to learn, and to become who I am now and who I'll be in the future. I wouldn't know what I know now if I hadn't treaded through the waters that I did.

And today I feel the heavy cloud held above my head slowly fading away. The weight of it all is gone.

The weight of everything I held inside that ate me alive slowly, slowly.

I'm free.

Stormy

I'm feeling stormy these last few days. Inside I'm thrashing and reluctant. I'm at a place in my life where I'm neither too old nor too young; there's time, lots of time. There's still plenty of opportunity; space to create, things to observe, lessons to learn. Yet, I'm terrified of my right now, of my this moment. I feel like my days are limited and every choice I make is critical to the outcome of my future.

My biggest fear is making the wrong choice. Being unhappy. Living a life that isn't true to me, and yet, knowing it was entirely preventable. Regret, perhaps, permeates my thoughts: the fear of regret, and wishing I could go back to make it all right.

I want to feel so utterly free flowing and connected but I've been so far from it. I feel like I've created two different people within myself: one of them is deep and poetic, introspective and contemplative. Creative, lively; a soft silky scarf and a basket of blooms. This side of me is deeply afraid, constantly questioning, and nothing is ever quite right - right now. The other side of me is hearty and serious, a true camouflage in the cold hearted world that surrounds me. This side of me sees reality, feels reality, and is afraid of living an unrealistic life.

I'll frequently remind myself that everything happens for a reason or everything is meant to be the way that it is. What can I learn from this? What can I learn from this? 

But, sometimes, I wonder if there is no more to learn. Perhaps I know now what I needed to know and there's a new level awaiting me.

wayside wavering

bedside.

I've been sick, a reminder to stop and breathe and go within. The weather has been cold, damp, windy; naked trees, sullen skies and I've been thinking hard. I do wish I would set myself free from it all but not just yet. I've a path to explore and I'm curious, consciously naive.

As of right now I'm apparently pissed off, or frustrated at the least, mostly at myself, and I'm having trouble letting go. My oracle cards advised me of this very thing: release. It's autumn, letting go is a cardinal theme this time of year just as the trees do. But for myself, now is simply not the time. Maybe it will be maybe it wont, but these things take time and soon enough, carefully, courageously, we submit to our soul's wary words.

My mind is conflicted, as usual, anyone could tell you that, but I yearn for the day I have the strength to end the causes of my wavering ways. Only recently I understood my need for alone as I've been deprived of it and constantly poked and prodded at for some time now. I've been frustrated. I've vaguely acknowledged my need for more soul work but the heart hardly wins when the head is dabbling elsewhere. I sort of let that part of me go by the wayside and instead let myself be manipulated by my very own fears. I'm beginning to gather that perhaps sometimes what we need is a catalyst; something to catapult us in the right direction, and a lot of the time this process involves pain. Welcoming such things with open arms is an ever-elusive act but it's necessary nonetheless.

sensitive

Oh, it's June apparently. Hello, June. You're also the name of my cat. A feisty, fluffy, juniper-berry-eyed 4 month old.

I've decided I'm just going to be completely open and honest, because that's what I need to do. I'm having a terrible case of writer's block but I feel that if I just openly discuss my frustration with it, then it will enable my words to flow. It's helping.

One of the reasons why I've been having writer's block lately is because I have been feeling very perfectionistic (I don't even know if that is a word but I'm using it anyway). It's actually extremely frustrating to have this extremely "stuck" feeling when it comes to doing something, or writing in this case. I want to freely express all colours of my human experience, to erase the duality in my mind; to blend the black and the white as being equally beautiful. I can't merely express the light for it wouldn't be so without the dark.

In various instances in my life lately I've been feeling like I'm stuck in this giant pool of glue and I just wish I could swim freely through a lake of nonchalance. It's too bad, however, I'm really not that nonchalant of a person. I can be, but I'm actually a very sensitive person who worries needlessly about things that don't need to be worried about. Like my most recent fear of having atrial fibrillation. I've been having these annoying heart palpitations over the past year and a half. Don't ask.

I've been experiencing some messy in my life, but messy is a component of life, a fraction of this universe, a lone thread through the weaving of our cosmos. We wouldn't have real life without the messy, the difficult, the afraid, the uncomfortable. Why is it so darn scary to talk about? To admit? To ourselves and to others. We all experience the same things but in our own unique ways.

A major mess for me has been the various deep-rooted chains within me that I have been battling to break free from. There's been so much uncertainty within my heart's integrity and it's not easy. I know so strongly what is right for me, but there are just so many pressures and conventions in this society that paralyze me, that paralyze so many of us. It's all Divine and it's all perfect and right and good. It's a progress. A beautiful progress but, it takes time and it takes a heavy-duty scrub brush and hands and knees. It takes allowing the frightened child inside that shivers against the sensation of isolation. It takes quiet and stillness; breath and the welcoming of clarity found deeply, deeply within but always present.

april lessons

Salutations, month of May. It has been a long while since I've contemplatively recapitulated on what I have learned from the previous month. Oh April, you were a teacher indeed.

In fact, now that I really think about it, April certainly was a teacher and the lessons were explosive. April being the consequential month of March's springtime endeavors of blooming, birthing and renewal left me with opportunities abound and they have been very blinding. It's borderline ridiculous. It's not actually the opportunities themselves that have been so seemingly forceful and harassing, but rather my relatively new-found tendency to have great difficulties turning them down. Even so the ones that quite loudly do not resonate with my heart.

April unraveled into a strenuous month of yes versus no; decisions to be made, growth to be had, expansion to be experienced. Truthfully, I wished for myself to not have to make any more god damn decisions by the third week but, of course, they kept coming full swing because April was the month of following my heart. So naturally, I had to have experienced trying situations which required me to employ great efforts and courage to do what was right for me. It's not an easy gig being honest with guilt. Guilt. Now that's the verb of the month. I've lost count on my fingers how many consecutive instances I have felt that gnawing, drowning sense of guilt. It's not particularly comfortable.

By the final, fourth week of April I was un-coincidentally reunited with my path. My purpose. My soul's joy. It was as if it was knocking on my door for ages and I finally opened up. I must learn to cease my mind's useless fictional chatter. Until then, the pondering will carry on.

I think the lessons that have been learned are that doing what's right, following your Truth, speaking up and being authentic isn't always in someone or something else's best interest. But at the very least, we can move forward knowing that it is in ours. 

found

Found Self,

magic erupts with a peaceful mind

heart ever-expanding

ever-lasting knowing...

fear escapes, inhabiting a new world

love is found within and

freedom downpours

bound by the sky

a limitless flight.

I've been so indecisive. I've thought I've known the answer, and then I have no idea. It's the realness that frightens me yet all she is, is freedom. Abundant offerings are found along the path of Truth.

I guess throughout the winter I did lose track of parts of me. A readily influenced, timid chameleon. All the busyness has left me dazed and docile. Fear has been holding hands tightly with Ego and one foot in front of the other they lead except, their destination is a foreign land.

The trees whisper clarity and paint me with answers. The stillness is freeing and the frozen winter is literally a frozen standstill.

A found self is reclaimed amidst peace. Peace is found in silence. Silence is found in stillness. Stillness is found in  us.

Wisdom lies beneath

and he's terribly patient.

Wonder

Today was just one of those mornings. One of those wonderful, wonderland mornings. Outside, a land, a place full of wonderful things. I awoke dazzled by the snowflakes dancing outside my window and without hesitation threw on my warm winter coat and meandered through Narnia.

Last night my mom asked to speak with me. Inspired, she elaborated on her newest musings on the topic of presence. Living in the moment. That ever-elusive concept in today's world of really being here, of embodying the Now. Myself being someone who has always struggled with attention and being distracted easily, I think about today's technologically-driven world. I think about the distractions so potent around us and the lack of focus, mindfulness and awareness as a result. 

As she  spoke so eloquently, I sat. I felt my presence deepen as I listened and remembered the value you receive when you are fully and wholeheartedly present.

She began telling me about a poem of people who lived their lives constantly waiting for the future, always waiting for happiness once this happens, after that happens. And then they're dying. I think about how I have been living my life lately in this way, so consumed by the future. Goals, plans, dreams, visions, excitements - it's all wondrous and perfect but it's important not to let them take you away from the beauty of life now. I remember that part of my journey that I somewhat lost touch with; how it feels to truly be in the moment, to genuinely see the beauty around, to be fully fascinated by the wonders of what already is. Today on my magical snowy walk, it is this that I embraced. 

When I sense my life passing before me, I know it's time to slow down. I've made a post on this before and I will again, but I find it particularly life-changing to wake up early, preferably with the sunrise. Days feel fuller, longer, slower.

Time for me to bring out some Eckhart Tolle. Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about. It's all about the Power of Now.

On another note, after I returned home from my walk in a winter wonderland I made a giant, delicious, wholesome smoothie consisting of 2 bananas, frozen peaches, mangoes, strawberries and raspberries, vanilla almond milk, hemp, wheatgrass and spinach. Delight!

I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes from The Power of Now:

"Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now."

2013: A Sacred, Solitary Celebration

Last night for the first time I had the most healing, sacred and solitary New Year ceremony. I cancelled all of  my original plans with friends to sit with myself and celebrate the reining in of 2013 alone. 

I didn't have any particular plans or agenda on exactly how I would carry out this little ritual, but I knew it would include a few of my dearly cherished trinkets: oracle cards to provide me with inspiration and insights for the new year; tingcha bells to clear old energies; my pendulum to guide me; my new 2013 calendar for focus; my yoga mat for grounding; beeswax candles conscientiously placed around my room for cleansing and light, and myself: lotus pose for breathing, a quiet mind for being.

Ten minutes to midnight, I rang the bells above my cards. Shuffling them I asked what it is I need to know for this year... and so it is: purification, meditation.

And so I wrote, notepad and pen in hand:
2 minutes to midnight
2 things I intend

breathe
be.

The clock turned 11:59 and I peered around myself, my little circle of healing, taking in these last few moments of 2012. I always get a bit nervous toward the last moments of the year, there's a feeling of farewell.

I closed my eyes. Clock struck midnight. Without me having to check the time, I breathed in as I heard my mother, her boyfriend and my brother cheer from downstairs. Abruptly and unexpectedly, I wept. I had this overwhelming emotion wash over me of joy or relief I don't quite know, but the awareness of a passing year that was very trying for me quite literally moved me to tears.

Happy New Year, 2013. This is my year for mindfully breathing, being and healing.

Lunar Shenanigans

Polona said it well when she explained the intensity behind November 28th's full moon and lunar eclipse:

"In these times of the intense energies that are culminating around the lunar eclipse today, we are asked to bring anything that still lies in the dark, into the Light of the Truth ... Symbolically, the Moon represents our shadow (that which is not aware), as the Sun represents our Light (our awareness), so as the Moon passes through, the shadow wishes to be exposed to the Light. We are asked to just BE and allow the new awareness to rise up to the surface. Know that we cannot run from anything, especially ourselves, because we experience through our own existence. We have to face everything head on, with honesty, courage and devotion."

It is exactly the concept of this that I have been experiencing, and with great intensity indeed! A lot of supressed intuitive callings within me have been bursting and truly brought into the light. Much of my "shadow", so to speak, has certainly been exposed and tested. It's always so funny when I notice that I experience particularly trying situations around a time when such experiences would be called for. This lunar eclipse has been fierce, that is for sure.

Breathe, allow, be. Release resistance. Acknowledge the ego, our egoic thought patterns, and observe them passing through and out. These days we really require that extra gentleness and understanding within ourselves.

Manifestation & Magic

I don’t even know where to begin! That’s how major my life changes have been these days. You know how I’m feeling? Infinite. By infinite I mean fully embracing my innate power as a human being. We are so powerful! So much is changing and shifting lately, and has been for many months now. Can you feel it?

I think back to my life years ago when I was mostly lead by fear and insecurity; treading along behind the rest because, well, that’s just how it was. Beneath the layers of shallow, dull living reside deep, powerful, full-forced infinite potential. We all have it within us. Accessing it is a matter of taking a step back, viewing our lives objectively, and, perhaps, arriving at an oftentimes completely unintentional life-altering, mind-blowing, terrifying yet ecstatic awakening. That’s what I experienced in my life, anyway. It did and still does involve a series of life-changing epiphanies and revelations.

When you put forth your true intentions and focus on what you want, you inevitably manifest your deepest desires. It’s all magic, quite frankly. Things appear in your life. This occurence actually reminds me of something I have been pondering lately. You know how we grow up learning about magic (and even going as far as villains who want to rule the world) only to be true in movies, existing as only a fairy-tale, a fabrication? Well, I have learned that those very things are actually real. Yep. You heard me. We are damn magical. I’m even a witch, who makes potions. Oh my!

When I say things can just *appear* in your life at the right time, just like you’d imagine such things by snapping your fingers, I’m being serious. We are capable of focusing on something that we want to manifest or appear in our lives, and literally have it come to be. Oh, Universe! How I enjoy relishing in your infiniteness!

What are you focusing on these days? And in turn, what are your current life manifestations? Are you manifesting what you want? You simply are where you are because that is what you are focusing on. :)

Pendulums, Incense & Connectedness

Yesterday I went out to my favourite place ever, Odyssey, a metaphysical shop. My intention was to get a new pendulum, in which I found very successfully and with great joy. I feel a lot of energy in my hands and felt very drawn to the lepidolite pendulum I scouted out after scanning the wall scattered with dangling gems and crystals. I was overjoyed indeed!

Lepidolite is very pretty, lavender-esque, and represents the Third Eye and Crown chakras.

I also picked up some incense – Sage, Cedar & Sweetgrass – along with a small sage candle. Sage is often used for the clearing and cleansing of energies. It’s very purifying indeed and the combination of incense I got smell absolutelydivine! When I got home, I infused myself in it all and warped into a space of calm, grounded centeredness. I felt SO very connected. To myself, my Higher Self, to Source, to that space inside of us that is ever-so-calm and free and true and at peace. You know that place?

I think one of the best things we can do is spend time by ourselves. Embrace solitude. Explore ourselves introspectively. It is through the beauty of solitude that we discover, transform, reflect, learn, unravel, release and become.

Living, Doing, Now

The early morning is, in my humble opinion, the best time of day. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I have enveloped myself in early morning bliss.

I’ve gotten frustrated. For too long I’ve neglected the parts of me that need nourishment through that which brings me joy (this includes waking up with the sunrise, meditating and going for early morning nature walks). I work late most of the time and as a result end up staying up late, sleeping in later, and feeling as though my life is passing before my eyes because I’ve struggled to find that balance.

Lately I’ve been so inspired and driven to carry out all of the things I have wanted to be doing. The things I wish I was doing. And that’s the thing; so often we think ahead to the non-existent future where there lies all sorts of colourful, perfect visualizations of our life.

Look closely at the present moment you are constructing, it should look like the future you are dreaming. -Alice Walker

And that’s it. How else can we live the life we desire if we aren’t doing it already?

I got up this morning at 6 o’clock and did everything I’ve been yearning to do. So many emotions surfaced. Such an incredible surge of pure, pure, pure joy. I sat quietly on my yoga mat, next to a candle. Infused myself with centered~ness. I stretched. I opened my window and breathed in the influx of penetratingly crisp, sweet air. I stepped outside for a walk and immediately felt energized with indescribable bliss. The morning, you see, is the most beautiful time of day. The beaming sunrise dazzles everything. And the dew! Oh the dew. The air smells so much sweeter within that early dampness.

The best part of all about waking up early is the broadening of your entire day. You see more, experience more, feel more. It’s life-changing.

Impermanence & Other Things

After being inside all day today, I stepped outside into the magestical world. It was quite literally like entering a new realm. The air was chilly but pure magic, and the sky – oh the sky! I've been noticing lately how the clouds during the fall seem much thicker, wilder, deeper, fuller. I have an affinity for clouds. In fact, my name in India, Megha, means just that – clouds.

There have been many things on my mind lately, inspirational words of wisdom downloaded into my consciousness. Or just quotes and other things that I've come across.

One thing was yesterday while I was journaling and reading through some of my diary entries; things I wrote about fears, anxieties and other such emotions that always feel so horrendous and hopeless at the time. And I sat there on my bed, recalling the experiences, but thinking to myself how everything changes. I remember a quote from many moons ago that read: However good or bad a situation is, it will change. Truth.

I've come to really grasp that, especially if I’m ever in any sort of pit or pickle where the only thing my mind can muster up is “will this ever get better?” Why, yes, Meghan, it certainly will. Nothing stays the same, not for a moment. Recognize impermanence. 

Fear, Fearlessness, Careers, Authenticity.

I took a solo trip downtown Toronto yesterday afternoon to the CHFA East, a natural health and organics trade show hosted at the ginormous Metro Toronto Convention Center. It was nice, being surrounded by that which I salute. I felt independent, busy. I got free stuff. I equally felt little and young. I was, after all, told the other day for a third time that I appear to be the age of twelve. Twelve...? Hm. I grimace at these such remarks only half-seriously, for I am rather content with my apparent youthful disposition, though feel an irking when I'm told upon repetition that I resemble that of a child. It runs in the family. I also happen to be on the shorter end of the five-foot-somethings.

So I've been thinkin' lately. Ultimately it stems from a deep underlying intuitive feeling and knowing of my place in this world. This is something that I have been dealing with and have needed to work through.

I am wholeheartedly, passionately and happily in alignment with my love and pursuance in the field of holistic health and nutrition. Holistic living is my CORE. This is not the issue. What I'm really referring to here is my natural and automatic withdrawal and resistance to anything that makes me feel boxed in. Hmmm... let me explain:

For myself as a Holistic Nutritionist, I am not merely a nutritionist. I am girl with a plethora of passionate interests in which I plan to pursue, without a doubt. When I envision my future, it is not merely comprised of telling people to eat more carrots. Yes, I want people to eat more carrots and I will forever encourage nutrition, but I am feeling utterly inspired as of two days ago to explain here on my blog my own personal place as a writer, a creative expressionist, someone who loves eating and promoting the consumption of wholesome foods (a.k.a nutritionist), a painter, a photograph-taking-lover, someone who enjoys spiritual ventures and musings, a philosopher, a cosmic-enthusiast, and as a girl. 

My fundamental point here is that I have been desperately yearning for the ability and permission to be wholly authentic, in myself and in my business. I want to display, promote and express a whole assortment of things, not linearly or exclusively one thing. When I say "permission" I am indeed referring to this apparent fearfulness and need within myself to have approval and reassurance from others. Reassurance from society perhaps, that I can and will succeed in this world as an authentic woman who stands true to her morals and beliefs. I realize society will certainly not provide me with the approval I seek. So I am giving myself permission. Right here, right now. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.

I see people that make livings through carrying out a variety of different jobs that are authentic to who they are. Creative writers that are doulas and yoga instructors and musical teachers and farmers and photographers and bloggers, all combined. Seeing people who live this way inspires me tremendously, for it is that which is precisely my desire. To live a versatile life. A simple life. My at times depressingly disapproved stance on nearly all things I am aware of in this society leads me to an inherent need to flee from it all and remember who and what I am as a human being.

So, once again, my fundamental point is really that I am not interested whatsoever in just expressing merely nutrition as part of my role as a Holistic Nutritionist; as part of my "career". As part of what I'd like to offer others. As part of what I'd like to talk about, write about, blog about, educate others about. I have opinions, beliefs, ideas, philosophies and knowledge that I simply cannot refrain from expressing to solely please some invisible standard and thereby sacrifice who I am. I am a nutritionist, but not only that. I am only at the very beginning of my journey of blossoming.

For what it's worth, here is a list of a few things I intend and absolutely plan to pursue. This is a confirmation for the Universe to allow it to manifest, of course!:

• Yoga Instructor certification (in India, preferably)
• Take part in some sort of art course/retreat (painting, drawing, sculpting, etc.) for several weeks far away, up north, away from city life.
• Take a course in Energy Medicine
• Take a Reiki course
• Take a course in metaphysical sciences
• Become a doula (once I've experienced NATURAL childbirth and have become a parent myself. I've always been fascinatingly interested in the human body, the female body. The magnificence of it all. Long story short, I've become obsessed with and intrigued by pregnancy lately).
• Travel the world.
• Live in a cob house.
• Live in British Columbia. Or Norway. Or Switzerland.

Expression, Fall, Camping & Magic

I'm feeling particularly creative right now and really feel like writing. As I have mentioned here and elsewhere, my life has been the quintessence of change. I got lost a wee bit (more than once), but particularly in the process of opening my website - deciding what goes where, what posts should be shared at what location, losing touch with what feels right and authentic for me. This blog is very dear to my heart. I never thought it would become as such, but it has become quite meaningful. Sentimental. Special. Free Spirit Journal represents all of me; a safe vessel where I have allowed myself to free-flow creatively.

Anyways, what I am trying to say is that along my adventure into the world of website-owning, I didn't know what to do with this blog. Would I just neglect it? How would I utilize it? How should I continue to share? It was making me feel uneasy. All I know is that ultimately, continuing with this blog the way I always have is exactly what I want to do and makes me feel nice.

I wanted to share three things today. The fall, camping, and magic.

These days now I can really sense that autumn-like air. That September-esque vibe. And quite frankly, I like it. The fall is my very favourite season and for good reason. Cool, windy, brisk air. Red, orange, yellow leaves. Jackets. Boots. Scarves. Hats. Walks. Sidewalks. There's just simply a very characteristic feel about that time of year. Words can't quite describe. Feeling is the language of the Universe, after all ;-) I'm just really looking forward to it.

I got back yesterday from a weekend of camping up north in Huntsville, Ontario. I love nature, of course I was excited. I couldn't wait to be amongst trees and oxygen. I'm a forest fairy (people call me that anyway), I really relish in and resonate with the energies of trees, moss and earth. I'm also a Capricorn, an Earth element. A mountain goat. I like groundedness (but don't be fooled - I am a fairy after all!)

The weekend turned out to be 100% rain. I like to think of myself as a pretty optimistic person; before we left when the weatherman was calling for rain all weekend I was still feeling pretty nonchalant and even excited about prancing around in misty forest air. Ultimately I knew a lesson would be learned by the end of it, if anything.

No. Couldn't fool myself. It was awful. It wasn't even innocent, harmless rain that came and went. It was just perpetual showers with intermittent down-pours and thunder. Everything was wet, damp, moist, sticky. By the end of it we just laughed at how ridiculous the situation became. It only got worse, but more comical. However, I was still able to find a few moments of awe at the beauty of dewy, misty trees like the second picture shown. I wasn't going a whole 3 hours north without closing my eyes and breathing in the beauty of everything. It was so green!

I lastly just wanted to share a little tidbit of my day today. I went to one of my favourite metaphysical shops today. Every time I'm in there I'm always so overwhelmed. Too interested in everything I see so it's hard to focus on one thing at a time. Trinkets are everywhere, books, candles, incense, crystals, gemstones. I got a little "Magic" star that I'm going to keep in my wallet. It very particularly stood out for me because "magic" seems to me my word of choice for most things I describe. I just say it a lot for some reason. It represents everything in life - everything is just... magic. :)

Meg

plans & anticipation

thunderstorm Sunday afternoon

Don't you just love thunderstorms? There is something enchanting about them. That distinct scent of rain, billowing of black clouds, cessation of wind before the downpour ensues.

I have been feeling overwhelmingly creative these days. My mind has been submerged in anticipation for what is quickly approaching in my life. In just a couple of weeks I will begin my newest life chapter; it feels as though I am bursting at the seams with excitement for the plethora of plans that I have. I will begin the process of collaborating my blogs, including free spirit journal, into one website where I will finally be able to have one space to share, express, connect and inspire through each of my many passions - spirituality, nutrition, life - as a Holistic Nutritionist.

My life for nearly a year now has been saturated in stress with having too much to do and simply not enough time to do it all. But somehow I've always managed to get everything done in the midst of chaos. This has actually been my theme for this month of July - perseverance, diligence and determination. In fact, July has been quite the month of lessons and themes. I've really been coming into my power of letting go and releasing fears pertaining to the ever-so-scary (but not really) opinions of others. Oh the liberation!

I am really looking forward to finding my balance again; re-connecting with my neglected creativity, harnessing my higher self and soaking in the silence of sunrises and meditation. Oh the thought of all that I desire to do makes me feel such peace!

Here is a quote I found yesterday from my newest blog muse over at the sacred life of rain:

Today I am exactly where I need to be in my one wild and precious life.

And we always are.

perpetual transmutation

You know what's funny?
How things change.

And it's constant, too. Nothing is ever the same! This constant flow of perpetual transformation and transmutation blows my mind.

But there's something beautiful about it. And perplexing at the same time. Although, it seems, much of the change that we anticipate is of the future; of mental constructs like bricks building upon one another of un-manifested, intangible realities that really are non-existent. One minute the jigsaw was fit one way and the next minute it's a totally different puzzle. So, you see, in this way we can assume not to grasp on so tightly to our various preconceptions.

Am I making sense?

Think about it this way. Just one infinitesimal rearrangement of happenings and the whole cascade of forthcoming events is altered. It's crazy.

I do believe I'm unintentionally referring to the chaos theory.

But even completely unrelated to that sort of butterfly effect, I'm referring to how our plans change with just the flick of a switch. Something that effects us, changes our mind or shifts our perspective and ultimately alters the paths we're on.

This makes me think about how we design every single moment in whichever way we choose.

Twenty One

Birthday girl, Jan 10/2012

Today I turned 21 years old. Feels youthfully ripe, seasoned and sophisticated. I am calmly and pleasantly awaiting what will fall into place for me this year. I feel like each year is bursting with blank pages for new stories of opportunities, experiences and lessons. Even since my last birthday, I have evolved so much.

Today I am just very grateful and thankful for all of the birthday wishes I have received.

It feels as though I am and have been entering a new era. And according to the teachings in my chakra handbook, I have indeed entered a new "theme". We have 7 main chakras and in my book it says that, essentially, we go through cycles of human development and every 7 years beginning from birth we enter a new base theme, starting with root up to crown (and you always view your age as one year ahead, so as to count our time in the womb). Within those 7 year cycles, each individual year is comprised of an individual main theme, from root to crown.

This is somewhat complicated to explain (as you really need to view the chart) but my main point is that I have just completed a 7 year cycle (began when I was 15 years old... and had done two 7 year cycles before that: from age 1-7 then a new cycle from 8-14). The cycle I just completed pertains to the qualities of the solar plexus chakra (third chakra... third cycle). This solar plexus 7-year base theme symbolizes "unfolding ones' personality; assimilation of feelings and experiences; shaping one's being; influence and power; strength and abundance and wisdom growing out of experience". Within that main theme, I just completed the last part of the cycle, the crown chakra, which denotes "enlightenment through inner contemplation; unity with the omnipresent being and universal consciousness". These themes are unbelievably accurate to how my life has developed over the past several years. Especially the aspect of inner contemplation, unity and the general shaping of my being.

So this new year that I have been entering is the 4th cycle in my life, the base theme of the heart chakra which denotes "unfolding the qualities of the heart; love, compassion, sharing, sincere involvement, selflessness, devotion and healing". Within that general 7-year theme, since I am in my first year of this brand new theme, this year I am back at the base - the root chakra. This fundamental theme denotes "primordial life energy and trust; relationship to the earth and the material world; stability and power to achieve". This primordial motif feels very akin to how I have been sensing myself becoming more grounded again since I have flown into the wild airs of spirituality. I have definitely found myself seeking some ground, with new feet... ;-) Though next year this inner motif will be under the (second) sacral chakra, and so on. My next new (fifth) cycle starts when I am 29.

I find it so fitting how I am now in the theme of the heart - compassion, love and selflessness - for this is precisely what my life has been preparing for over the past 6 weeks. As I have just taken a trip into the depths of my soul, unveiling and healing negative thought patterns, beliefs, attitudes and underlying emotions, it is compassion and love that has been my most predominant goal. I kid you not. I find it very neat that it is that theme that I have been inevitably entering and will be cultivating over the next several years...

Some interesting points from my book on this subject of human development cycles:

• A change takes place on a material level every seven years ... It is a biological fact that our bodies renew themselves every seven years (all our bodies cells have been replaced by new ones - biologically speaking, we are an entirely new person). 
• After seven cycles we have reached the middle of our lives (age 49) and have completed an entire cycle. A completely new stage of life begins with our 50th birthday ... a chance to start all over again but this time from a "higher octave" of development.
• In ages past, the number 7 was used to denote completion, abundance and (spiritual) perfection. Many cultures regard it as a sacred number
• And P.S., 7 is my favourite number (mysteriously, though, because I don't really know why - there's just something about this number that I am drawn to)