Twenty Six

Today is my 26th birthday.

I booked today off work, a snowy Tuesday that has turned into heavy, slushy rain; but I spent the entire day listening to a meditation playlist, drinking banana-coconut milk, baking grain-free birthday brownies, blushing over the amount of well wishes, and doing a little bit of reading.

This birthday is the very first birthday out of all of my birthdays where I feel a little bit of discomfort. Usually I am lively and ecstatic on my special day, and I love to celebrate, but this time around the sun I'm feeling a little out of sorts.

My birthday is very close to the holiday season, and my holidays this year were a little somber. I found myself unusually wishing for Christmas to hurry up and be over and for New Years to quickly pass. I am still just processing some big, big stuff, and I'm thankful it is 2017, because 2016 was full to the brim with the difficulty of ending a relationship and the rise of some digestive health issues.

I've been spending a lot of time the past little while working on myself and filling up my pockets with a bounty of positivity in the form of affirmations and things of the like. In fact, my bedroom is stocked with tiny little notes of reassuring and encouraging words to keep me from twirling downward into that scary dark hole of anxiety and horrible thoughts. I must say, I feel really great as a result; I wake each morning telling myself my life is unfolding perfectly, that I can handle anything that comes my way, and that I always know the answers.

Being alone is scary, but it's thrilling. Regardless of what's behind me and what's to come, I am happy, and I'm excited about the future. I trust myself, the path I've walked thus far, and the path that's before me - whatever stones and twigs and roses I find along the way.

Life Things + A Challenge

a late august backyard bloom.

My life hasn't exactly been easy this year. One of my favourite ways to cope and work through the hard stuff is by writing, so I'm challenging myself to blog every day for the next month. Sometimes I struggle to write if I don't have anything in particular to express, but because my mind is as scrambled as eggs these days, I want to just... write. Anything and everything that my days consist of. Regardless of my posts being bland or not.

This morning, much like yesterday morning, I woke up half an hour before I needed to leave for work. Luckily I work a stones throw away, so I just slipped on stretchy leggings and a striped cotton three-quarter sleeve, made a slightly too-decadent strawberry smoothie with full fat coconut milk, and left.

My drive to work involves a very specific, though-out route: I make a left, a right, a left, a right again; I wait at the lights for an irritatingly long stretch of time, every time; zip down the bus lane and I am there. The most notable part of my drive to work is my intentional avoidance of my ex's house, however.

Work has been busy lately indeed, but the days are fuller and more interesting as a result, and I feel smarter; purposeful.

For dinner I made salmon and zucchini pasta with pesto. Moments after I took my first bite, I received terrible, if not highly frustrating news that if I am faced with only once more, I am going to break and/or punch everything in my general vicinity. This actually did end up happening a small while later when I slammed my bedroom door so hard that a picture fell off the wall and shattered. I sobbed while I listened to my mother quietly sweep up the glass.

She later popped her head in my room to update me on my cousin's two-centimetre cervical dilation. A new baby is on the way.

The frustration and the hurt I've been carrying the past few months is all a very long story, and one that is the core, the root, the guts of my darkness as of late. But all is well, and all will be well.

This too shall pass. An encouraging reminder.

If there's one thing I know right now, it's that I'm craving a getaway. If only to the forest; to a swamp, a river, a pond.

Brave & Free

It takes a certain kind of bravery to value your worth enough to make life changing decisions. Decisions that sometimes hurt the people you love most, decisions that mean for a little while there is pain, there are clouds, and there is guilt.

For a very long time my life was blank. I had balloons full of hope, promise, and ultimately a path that many people would choose in a heartbeat. I was also empty, and afraid, and slowly becoming grey and dull. My days would flow with anger, resentment, frustration; but I would swallow the fear and carry on, pretending like it was everything I wanted, everything I needed. I would carry on as though, none of it bothered me, none of it shook me, none of it was corrupt in the deepest corners of my heart even though all of it was corrupt, all of it shook me, and all of it hurt me.

I was trapped, and so desperately wanted a way out. Ahead of me I saw one of two things: living a lie, or living my truth.

Truth always prevails, eventually, and the moment you pull it out from underneath the dust, open up the bottle it was locked inside, release it into the air from out of its cage, you are free.

healing

I am feeling good these days! Did you know our digestive system and brain are very intricately connected?

Back in 2011 I suffered a bacterial infection causing me a hefty case of gastroenteritis. Since then I've struggled with a disturbing degree of all that encompasses a typical malfunctioning digestive system. Among a myriad of issues, I developed many food intolerances that if eaten, left me bloated with severe, stitching abdominal pains and a swelling sensation that would span the entire surface area of my intestinal tract.

Although the infection has since been dealt with, I still left with the aftermath.

Grains, sugar, legumes, lentils and dairy are the main foods I feel worst on. I can tolerate some organic goat cheese, however. The foods I thrive on are vegetables, all varieties of leafy greens, sea veggies, most fruits, meat, fish and good quality fats. Since I've eliminated grains from my diet I feel so. much. better. My digestive system is quiet and peaceful and things are just so much better for me.

I'm actually grateful that I've been faced with the need to refrain from eating grains because I have learned so much about not needing to consume them in the first place, regardless of whether or not I had a digestive catastrophe. I'll share more on that in the future, perhaps on my website's wellness blog. For now, I know how important it is that we listen to our body's valuable messages. We are extraordinarily wise! My eating habits have changed quite a bit over the past few years and although I wouldn't say I follow a vegetarian diet at this time like I used to, I will never stop putting an emphasis on eating an abundance of plant-based foods. They make up at least 3/4 of my meals (might I add, mashed sweet potato with cinnamon is DIVINE!) It's all about doing what's right for you.

In conjunction with eating simpler and nourishing my digestive tract through foods, I've also been taking a couple supplements to strengthen and support the integrity of my gut, too. These include Glutamine powder once a day (an amino acid -- a very important friend for strengthening our intestinal lining, among many other benefits) and probiotics. I take Genestra's HMF powder, one scoop, once in the morning. Managing my stress levels is a big deal for me also. I'm an anxious gal and anxiety + gut = enemies.

I have plans to do juice fasting once I figure out the appropriate time for it. I felt really good doing my small watermelon flush the other day, which consisted of just eating watermelon. Simplicity is key for a sensitive gut.

In health & healing...

Meghan :)

ground

"You've got your passion, you've got your pride, but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?"

It seems as though I am easily influenced. Easily inspired, easily envious, easily uncertain.

"Humph."

Imagine scrunched face. Hands on hips. A four year old stubbornly unwilling to get up. I fall through dozens of rabbit holes, floating by the fascinating, bizarre perplexities of what's before me. Interesting. And so I speculate my situation. What is it that I want? I question, question, question as the uncertainty and indecisiveness thickens. I gulp, recalling the thunderstorm of questioning my ability and permit to be authentic. Am I... allowed? The sneaky, sassy Should's stroll along, tip-toeing into my world. I think they leave a sticky residue. I've tried and tried and tried to do it their way. But I fumble.

I think I am just still gathering. I've got my wicker basket on my arm as I meander through the willow fields of things; plucking dandelion fluffs, fragrant daisies and anything else I find of interest along the way. I'm settling in to the comforting knowing of where I'm at along mt path. Discovering myself, shaping myself, finding my ground; remembering who and what inspires me, feeds me encouragement, motivation and confidence; remembering what feels good and right in my skin; collaborating it all into one reservoir.

I just want to be me and allow life to unfold and flourish as it may.

Fear, Fearlessness, Careers, Authenticity.

I took a solo trip downtown Toronto yesterday afternoon to the CHFA East, a natural health and organics trade show hosted at the ginormous Metro Toronto Convention Center. It was nice, being surrounded by that which I salute. I felt independent, busy. I got free stuff. I equally felt little and young. I was, after all, told the other day for a third time that I appear to be the age of twelve. Twelve...? Hm. I grimace at these such remarks only half-seriously, for I am rather content with my apparent youthful disposition, though feel an irking when I'm told upon repetition that I resemble that of a child. It runs in the family. I also happen to be on the shorter end of the five-foot-somethings.

So I've been thinkin' lately. Ultimately it stems from a deep underlying intuitive feeling and knowing of my place in this world. This is something that I have been dealing with and have needed to work through.

I am wholeheartedly, passionately and happily in alignment with my love and pursuance in the field of holistic health and nutrition. Holistic living is my CORE. This is not the issue. What I'm really referring to here is my natural and automatic withdrawal and resistance to anything that makes me feel boxed in. Hmmm... let me explain:

For myself as a Holistic Nutritionist, I am not merely a nutritionist. I am girl with a plethora of passionate interests in which I plan to pursue, without a doubt. When I envision my future, it is not merely comprised of telling people to eat more carrots. Yes, I want people to eat more carrots and I will forever encourage nutrition, but I am feeling utterly inspired as of two days ago to explain here on my blog my own personal place as a writer, a creative expressionist, someone who loves eating and promoting the consumption of wholesome foods (a.k.a nutritionist), a painter, a photograph-taking-lover, someone who enjoys spiritual ventures and musings, a philosopher, a cosmic-enthusiast, and as a girl. 

My fundamental point here is that I have been desperately yearning for the ability and permission to be wholly authentic, in myself and in my business. I want to display, promote and express a whole assortment of things, not linearly or exclusively one thing. When I say "permission" I am indeed referring to this apparent fearfulness and need within myself to have approval and reassurance from others. Reassurance from society perhaps, that I can and will succeed in this world as an authentic woman who stands true to her morals and beliefs. I realize society will certainly not provide me with the approval I seek. So I am giving myself permission. Right here, right now. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.

I see people that make livings through carrying out a variety of different jobs that are authentic to who they are. Creative writers that are doulas and yoga instructors and musical teachers and farmers and photographers and bloggers, all combined. Seeing people who live this way inspires me tremendously, for it is that which is precisely my desire. To live a versatile life. A simple life. My at times depressingly disapproved stance on nearly all things I am aware of in this society leads me to an inherent need to flee from it all and remember who and what I am as a human being.

So, once again, my fundamental point is really that I am not interested whatsoever in just expressing merely nutrition as part of my role as a Holistic Nutritionist; as part of my "career". As part of what I'd like to offer others. As part of what I'd like to talk about, write about, blog about, educate others about. I have opinions, beliefs, ideas, philosophies and knowledge that I simply cannot refrain from expressing to solely please some invisible standard and thereby sacrifice who I am. I am a nutritionist, but not only that. I am only at the very beginning of my journey of blossoming.

For what it's worth, here is a list of a few things I intend and absolutely plan to pursue. This is a confirmation for the Universe to allow it to manifest, of course!:

• Yoga Instructor certification (in India, preferably)
• Take part in some sort of art course/retreat (painting, drawing, sculpting, etc.) for several weeks far away, up north, away from city life.
• Take a course in Energy Medicine
• Take a Reiki course
• Take a course in metaphysical sciences
• Become a doula (once I've experienced NATURAL childbirth and have become a parent myself. I've always been fascinatingly interested in the human body, the female body. The magnificence of it all. Long story short, I've become obsessed with and intrigued by pregnancy lately).
• Travel the world.
• Live in a cob house.
• Live in British Columbia. Or Norway. Or Switzerland.

How 'Bout Remembering Your Divinity

Feel the cosmic energy surrounding you and all that is
Let it wash through
and within
Take a step outside
onto the planet
and feel the
divinity.

August & Dragonflies

~Dragonfly on a fence in my backyard

Happy August everybody. I have said before how I love new months. Not only 'cause I like changing my calendar, but I like awaiting what will transpire for that month. Although any day is no different than the next, the Earth is only spinning its cycle and the sun is always present and space is always around us, it's still nice to think about what will come to be. August reminds me of the colour dark blue.

This large dragonfly caught my eye out on my fence in my backyard the other day and I just had to snap a picture of it. When I was like 13 I remember I wanted a dragonfly tattoo on my foot though now I don't plan on getting any tattoos. That's my one-with-nature mindset right there for ya. I think they're a very pretty insect though if I do say so myself. The wings in particular.

You can click here if you'd like for a video I posted today on how to cultivate self-love :)

Natural

I've grown to have a very deep connection with who I am, what I am, nature and the Universe. Some ways I intertwine myself with Life is through meditation, perhaps some yoga, contemplation, daydreaming here and there, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. Sometimes I'll paint. Or I'll draw. Or I'll just sit and think. Other times I'll go for a walk, look up at the sky. Gaze at the stars, take it all in. However, over time I have found myself connecting with nature in a more distinct, visible, tangible way.

I used to straighten my hair every day. I used to wear a lot more makeup than I do now. I used to reject and deny my true self. For the longest time I wanted to be able to wear my hair naturally without fearing what other people would think. I used to think there was no way in hell I'd ever be able to live without an application of "beauty" products. Beauty products should be called Insecurity Products. For they distort the way we see ourselves. We define ourselves by what we look like with makeup, how our hair looks. Whether we are good enough, worthy enough. If we look a certain way we'll be accepted. We'll feel safe.

Over the past couple of years I have gradually reduced the amount of makeup I wear. I don't wear anything on my face, just a little bit of mascara. In the past, this would have been unimaginable for me. I also stopped a few months ago, cold turkey, straightening my hair. I wanted to be as close to nature as possible, and that was my biggest personal-incentive. I wanted to be One, as bare as a tree. For in nature, you wouldn't wear makeup or use flat irons.

Nobody should feel they need to rely on beauty products. The beauty industry is making loads of cash, at not only the cost of our wallets, but our self-esteem, self-confidence, and body image. What I found worked for me to withdraw myself from relying on the myriad of self-defeating crap, was to very gradually cut back on using it (excluding when I stopped straightening my hair, that I just stopped.)

And as I have written plenty about before, I also began eating a ton more natural foods from the Earth! Definitely the best way of all to be close to nature, that's for sure!

It's time we see ourselves for what we are! We're amazing and beautiful and no person, group of people, company, advertisement, commercial, billboard or celebrity can make us believe otherwise.

Self-Love

Affirmation #7: 
I love and appreciate myself. 
I overlook my shortcomings and love myself anyway.


Today I danced to the Beatles. And Manfred Mann. And I love myself.