whole, connected and free

I am feeling very spiritually alive. Perhaps it is because of all the carrot and beet juice I've been drinking. Either way I feel whole, connected and free.

I'm learning so much it feels like my headspace is stretched open with all these new pathways of information; in my minds eye it looks like webs of all things that make sense and fit together. All through my life I was a bit educationally withdrawn and learning things in school didn't always come easy because I was often so uninterested and hated being forced to learn things that did not apply to me. In absolute contrast I am now absorbing so fluidly the concepts and information that I am eager to understand and so strongly interested in and passionate about. Everything makes sense.

Though so much in life never makes sense... there are many uncomfortably baffling things on my mind these days but now is not the time to discuss.

Yesterday in class we meditated and observed our energy fields and I am very excited to learn different techniques pertaining to energy work. Oh, the Universe! How I love the powerful force that it is!

A New Chapter!

The page has been turned to a new chapter in my life. I am going to attempt to coherently and accurately express how I feel about this new chapter to the best of my ability, though there is a great deal involved and it is all so spectacular and overwhelming at the same time.

This week was the start of my formal studies in Holistic Nutrition - a path I chose to take that comes deep from within and is the product of a lot of introspection and heart-following.

I am in the midst of adjusting to an entirely new routine. And I mean, a 180 degree turn. For nearly two years I was out of school and my daily life was comprised of plenty of free time which allowed for a great deal of growth, solitude and beautifulness. However now my days are essentially very full and I am discovering the importance of managing my time properly to ensure I have adequate space to complete all of my new found responsibilities. 

The best part about this new busyness is that it is absolutely thrilling. I am learning such an enormous amount and it is everything I want to know about! I am simply a sponge. I am fully present and enthused and SO ready for this chapter! It has been such a lengthy wait, I really cannot explain all the details involved in just this post, but simply put... the time has finally come.

The night before my first day of classes I was reading through my course notes notebook and nearly cried at how surreal the information was at the start of the notes. Long story short, the first epiphany I had when I abruptly began awakening spiritually to an enormous range of things two years ago was simplicity and the very important concept of living simply, frugally, fully. The first thing that was discussed in my notes was exactly that. Immediately I realized this wave of paralleled happenings - how it has come back to me, two years later, full circle, in a whole new format yet the same information thus truly deepening and expanding this journey and path I am on. And with other information as well, this new chapter in my life has reintroduced me to those exact realizations and exact feelings I had a long time ago. It's like the beginning of my inner journey is almost identical to the beginning of this new journey...! So, it is hard for me to properly explain how surreal this unexpectedly became just due to the nature of how everything is so seemingly interrelated. But at the same time, it is hardly a surprise.

When you follow your callings you will inevitably land amongst such surreality and synchronicity and all other sorts of splendid circumstances that you have attracted into your life.

So, as I said before, I am currently just trying to focus on finding a new kind of balance in this new chapter, new journey. The fall is my favourite season and I have been yearning for some walks in the cool, windy air amongst the trees. I have also, almost desperately, been needing more meditation in my life and that I intend to nurture.

Just blowing in the breeze of life ~ ~ ~

Crisp Air & Twirling Forward

The sky this evening

The glow from the pink sky illuminates everything it touches and it's brilliant every time I stand below it, within it, become it. I am elated at the thought of autumn and the crisp air these days feels so good. I can even smell the season changing, I can sense it in all ways and I can feel change happening within me! Although I'm currently in a puzzle because I can't seem to grasp each fleeting, perpetuating moment as they float further into the future. In six days I will begin devouring my studies in holistic nutrition; academia in which I have been only dreaming about thus far. Dreaming and reaching and anticipating and it has been such a lengthy, lingering wait that my whole life for the past twenty months seems that of a blur. The growth, blooming and transforming I have done in that time has been wholesome and jubilant for me and I am oh but curious to find out how my life will unfold when I have a whole new kind of routine in place.

Although I have expanded spiritually and discovered many things I have also found myself with too much time on my hands for too long now; it has drained me on the days where I am not feeling so inspired but it has changed me on the days when I do. So, I will no longer be plagued with boredom at work or otherwise, a situation and environment for me that has lasted too long, for my primary focus and purpose will be that of passion, excitement, eager learning and an array of tangible kinships. 

And yet it all seems unreal to me right now. Because, you see, life feels like a dream for me these days. I can't decipher whether or not it is due to the fact that so much has manifested for me or because I have been dreadfully overwhelmed with mental to-do lists or because I need to eat more kale. Either way, I'm sure when I begin settling into my "new lifestyle" of finally pursuing passions I'll be able to feel more grounded. Who knows, you know? I sure don't.

All I know is that September is here and it means a lot more than just school -- it means my darling boots and fun scarves and rusty fallen leaves and cool breezes and fresher air and the harmony between feeling chilly and comfortable. It means birthing out of some sort of encapsulated Universe I have lived in for a long time, however amazing or changing it has been, it is still nonetheless time for some tactile moving and twirling forward...

The Beginning of the Beginning

Moving in day - on my way
to college. Sept/2009

A year ago today was the day that began to change everything for me. It was the beginning of the beginning of who I am today; what I believe in, and how I approach life.

The program I studied in college was Health Information Management. On November 28th 2009, I went on a field trip to a hospital with my Intro to HIM class to get a feel for where we would potentially find employment, and to gain further understanding of what the job as an HIM professional entails.

We all toured the various departments and floors. We were taken to some sort of filing room. Aisles and aisles and skinny rows jammed packed with health records, files, folders. We were lead through the floor of women sitting in cubicles staring at double screened computers who were coding and whatnot and typing away silently on their keyboards. The only word I know of in the English language to describe what was going through my mind is boring.We were then taken down an elevator to the basement of the hospital to this huge concrete underground place full of boxes that were full of more records and papers and files and folders and pictures and x-rays and information waiting to be destroyed. Right when we exited the metal gates of the basement department, my mind raced with fear, concern and confusion. Fear because I was utterly afraid of my career leading in this direction, concern because I had no idea what I was going to do  about this program or how I was going to deal with it, and confusion because I totally did not expect my future to look anything like what I had seen.

All I could think was, I do not want to do this.


And this is when my life began to change. We all left the hospital - actually, as we took the elevator back up it broke down and all 20 or 25 of us were stuck in it for about an hour; this was humorous and scary at the same time, but a totally different story to tell altogether - and I could feel something inside of me changed. The stew was beginning to brew.

When I got back to my residence, I went into my room and began researching the program more in depth, and realized how much I hadn't known about it. I realized how much I didn't want to be in it. I was scared. I was shocked. I was lost. What was I going to do?

The big issue about the whole ordeal was that it was a long, hard road for me to get into the program in the first place. Not academically, but because of a relationship I was in (that ended only a couple months before) that made my life terribly difficult in terms of making my own decisions (especially with moving away to school) due to the fact that who I was with was a very restricting person. Loving nonetheless, but jealous, controlling and highly restricting. In fact, the ending of the relationship is what was so changing for me. I don't even know how I can explain it, but it's a monumental aspect to my story and my journey of who I am today. Basically, I was with someone for about four years (all through high school, y'know, high school sweetheart, love of my life, and at the tender age that we were together while still growing up so much, we defined and molded eachother into who we were). So the breakup in August 2009 was tremendous. Huge. Astronomical. Piercingly painful. To have to deal with that and be away from everything you've ever known, smooshed together in a town and school full of people you don't even know, with nobody to really feel you can talk to, is pretty hard and lonely. The girl I am today is not even in the slightest most tiniest way even close to who I was back then. I never meant to get into this topic nor have I wanted to post anything about it on a public blog, but I guess it has everything to do with what this post is about, how my life began to change.

My thoughts are all mumbled and jumbled into pieces right now as I wish I could explain this all so smoothly and perfectly. I guess what I've been trying to say is that, it was so very stressful and painful and difficult yet exciting and rewarding for me to go away to college, and then when I realized that I didn't want to do it anymore, it was just... a big deal. But what I think I'm really trying to say, and what is really truly amazing and enlightening about it all, is that I realized that I wanted to live a life that I love. That I wanted to pursue a life that I enjoy. And this lesson was such a wonderful lesson. I didn't actually think of it as a lesson back then, until all my epiphanies started about a week later... something I will very much so be discussing soon.

I chose Health Information Management because I love health and I thought I loved healthcare. I guess I thought I knew what the program was all about. At least, I knew I loved the human body, so I jumped at the idea of taking an anatomy and physiology class. After I decided otherwise on the program, what I realized I knew I did truly love and was very interested in and passionate about was nutrition. Oh so much. I love nutrition. I am so interested in it. So for the remaining month I had left at school, I researched schools and programs and the qualifications I needed in order to study nutrition in University. After I signed the program withdrawal forms and completed my semester and left back home, I eagerly and excitedly began to do correspondence at home to get the University level credits I needed to go to University. I did complete an English course with an 86% back in February of this year, but since then I have actually made other plans for my future and University isn't it. I talk a bit about it in these posts here and here.

I've learned and had what seems like billions of lessons and epiphanies and life-changing revelations that I will and am eager to discuss very soon! This was only the beginning of the beginning...

Time is a Slippery Fish

It's already September and most of my friends are movin back to school for their second year in University. The summer went by so fast, in fact, time has gone by so fast since last September. It's already been one year since I moved into my lonely bachelor apartment. And then moved into residence in October. And then dropped out in December. It literally seems like a few months ago that I was in college, but it was almost an entire year ago! I can't recall time ever seeming to go by so fast when I was younger.

This whole time-going-by-so-fast thing really makes me think about how much I want to absorb everything that is happening every day! Soon enough I'm gonna be in my seventies and I'll wonder where the time went. I talked to my nana about this today. She said to me "20 is so young. Even 30... 40...50...60... Nah, I suppose there are people older than me" (a woman in her seventies trying to feel as young as she can, he he he). She looked as though she could remember so clearly the days when she was my age.

I always think about the things that I want to tell to my child(ren). All of the things I did when I was young, all my experiences. I think about what I am doing at this age and I imagine telling them all my stories.

For the next year I need to work every waking hour to pay off the money I owe from college, and then finally pursue my goals and dreams next fall! I really can't wait. I don't have any regrets about withdrawing from the program I was in. I've had so much time this year to think about what I want to do, things I want to achieve, places I want to go, dreams I want to live. I am so incredibly ambitious. So many things I want to do right now not next year! Oh well, the time will come and all the anticipation will make it well worth it.

I'm just going to continue living life to the fullest and capturing every ounce of my youth.