A Reflection of 1 Year in Business

It's Thursday morning and Sean just left for work. I'm sitting in our comfy Poäng chair from IKEA in the corner of our apartment, above a blue and white rug, nearest the window and sliding glass door. Our two sources of natural light in this tiny space.

I've got a restorative yoga playlist running in the background while I sit here, and a cup of hot green tea steeping on the kitchen counter. It's cloudy this morning and I'm pleased about that. I've been enjoying all the sunshine we've had but I've always loved a good grey day. There's nothing quite like them. I hope we get a big thunderstorm soon.

Q1 and Q2 of this year (as I now call each quarter since running my business full-time) have been very busy for me. The end of July will mark 1 whole year of being self-employed, and it's been nothing short of a dream come true. I didn't know what to expect after quitting my job last summer. Would I be able to make enough money? Will I have enough work to do? What's my plan B if this whole business thing doesn't work out?

But a year later and I've got more on my plate than I anticipated I would. I've reached a place where I feel like I can't quite seem to catch my breath, actually. I've inundated myself with (exciting) projects and varying deadlines, not to mention keeping up with the backend of things or managing an online community of over 150,000 people by myself.

I am in love with what I do. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But it certainly is a lot of work running a business (alone in my case).

Content creation is one of my favourite things about what I do. I get to use my passion for creativity and combine it with the things that matter most to me - wellness, simplicity, natural living - and transform concepts into something useful or inspirational for others. It can also be a little draining at times (like any line of work).

Social media and businesses built upon them such as my own require a constant output of fresh new material almost every day, or at least once a week depending on what platform you're referring to. Although for many, myself included, it's multiple platforms. Such material isn't just a single photo and you're done for the day, it's everything that goes along with it.

If it's video (my primary platform being YouTube) it's brainstorming a concept, gathering/researching information, writing a rough script or outline, filming, directing, producing, editing, and then distributing to the world which involves a whole separate set of steps. SEO, descriptions, associated blog posts, sharing relevant resources, engaging with viewers. And this is just one of the things I do.

I also coordinate and negotiate brand partnerships, create online products and services, manage accounting, email, and email marketing. There's also website maintenance and graphic design, recipe testing and creating, writing and photography, and managing content for multiple social media platforms and their associated communities, incoming messages, questions, and comments.

No matter what your line of work is, there are times when you just feel a little overwhelmed. Although, as I reflect on this past year in business, it's not that I feel like I need a break (okay, maybe I do), it's also that I've needed to improve my organizational skills. My time management has also been a disaster of late, but I've been in dire need of a good re-hashing and streamlining of my processes. Juggling things alone this past year has made my brain feel messy.

So Sean sat down with me last night and together we took a thorough, objective look at my business, the areas that are working well, the areas that need attention, and the areas where I'm feeling a little frazzled. I wrote down a big long brain-dump list in a word document of everything that's felt messy and overwhelming for me, and voila! Some simple day planning and scheduling was re-born.

Somewhere along the lines this year with all the projects I'd been working on (such as creating and launching an online course), I lost sight of the schedule I used to have and instead, my days have been uncoordinated, inefficient, and all over the place. It felt like a physical weight was lifted off my shoulders just by re-creating a simple schedule for me to follow.

And that's that. Here's to another year in business!

Stormy

I'm feeling stormy these last few days. Inside I'm thrashing and reluctant. I'm at a place in my life where I'm neither too old nor too young; there's time, lots of time. There's still plenty of opportunity; space to create, things to observe, lessons to learn. Yet, I'm terrified of my right now, of my this moment. I feel like my days are limited and every choice I make is critical to the outcome of my future.

My biggest fear is making the wrong choice. Being unhappy. Living a life that isn't true to me, and yet, knowing it was entirely preventable. Regret, perhaps, permeates my thoughts: the fear of regret, and wishing I could go back to make it all right.

I want to feel so utterly free flowing and connected but I've been so far from it. I feel like I've created two different people within myself: one of them is deep and poetic, introspective and contemplative. Creative, lively; a soft silky scarf and a basket of blooms. This side of me is deeply afraid, constantly questioning, and nothing is ever quite right - right now. The other side of me is hearty and serious, a true camouflage in the cold hearted world that surrounds me. This side of me sees reality, feels reality, and is afraid of living an unrealistic life.

I'll frequently remind myself that everything happens for a reason or everything is meant to be the way that it is. What can I learn from this? What can I learn from this? 

But, sometimes, I wonder if there is no more to learn. Perhaps I know now what I needed to know and there's a new level awaiting me.

2013: A Sacred, Solitary Celebration

Last night for the first time I had the most healing, sacred and solitary New Year ceremony. I cancelled all of  my original plans with friends to sit with myself and celebrate the reining in of 2013 alone. 

I didn't have any particular plans or agenda on exactly how I would carry out this little ritual, but I knew it would include a few of my dearly cherished trinkets: oracle cards to provide me with inspiration and insights for the new year; tingcha bells to clear old energies; my pendulum to guide me; my new 2013 calendar for focus; my yoga mat for grounding; beeswax candles conscientiously placed around my room for cleansing and light, and myself: lotus pose for breathing, a quiet mind for being.

Ten minutes to midnight, I rang the bells above my cards. Shuffling them I asked what it is I need to know for this year... and so it is: purification, meditation.

And so I wrote, notepad and pen in hand:
2 minutes to midnight
2 things I intend

breathe
be.

The clock turned 11:59 and I peered around myself, my little circle of healing, taking in these last few moments of 2012. I always get a bit nervous toward the last moments of the year, there's a feeling of farewell.

I closed my eyes. Clock struck midnight. Without me having to check the time, I breathed in as I heard my mother, her boyfriend and my brother cheer from downstairs. Abruptly and unexpectedly, I wept. I had this overwhelming emotion wash over me of joy or relief I don't quite know, but the awareness of a passing year that was very trying for me quite literally moved me to tears.

Happy New Year, 2013. This is my year for mindfully breathing, being and healing.

Goodbye, 2012

So it's the end of the year, 2012 is coming to a close. I've been waiting till the last day of December to write a post about my year, to breathe out the old and open up to the newness that is waiting around the bend. 2012 has been a mixture of so many things for me. It was the worst year of my life, yet it was miraculous; a wonderful teacher. Life lessons at its finest. I just feel so ready to let go of all of the heaviness, to welcome a clean slate, a blank canvas, and to paint it all with freshness and new opportunities; to continue writing my story; building, creating, dreaming and living.

And so it began at the end of January 2012 where without warning I fell into what seemed like a never-ending pit of darkness. Mostly I was bewilderingly depressed. I felt a devastating perplexity toward it as I had never felt that way in my entire life. I struggled through many ceaseless months of terrifying and exhausting anxiety. (I made a post on it here). I almost have a phobia of reading through my journal from that time. In fact, I should probably burn the thing. Most of it I can't remember anyway - my life was a mist, as if those months went by and I don't even know what happened.

To some degree I am aware of what caused the turmoil. It was a mixture of many things but stress was the chief, infamous culprit. Eventually, we break.

And so I muddled through February, through March, trying desperately to figure out how to find myself again. I was, after all, completely lost. April came, May went, June arrived. Somewhere in the springtime I discovered how to manage my incessant anxiety. I learned to accept, not to resist. I practiced allowing. I practiced laughing at myself. I did yoga, I kept busy, I sought out counseling, I wrote, I cried. Eventually it did pass. More and more I felt excited again, I felt happy, and I remember writing that I could finally feel my life again.

A lot happened this year but the distress I experienced did not comprise it all. Although I felt much discomfort, I felt even more reward. This was also the year of completing my studies in Holistic Nutrition as well as stepping into my power, courageously facing my fears and turning the page to a new chapter in my life. I am grateful for it all, and eagerly await what the rest of my storybook will read.

I welcome 2013 with open arms and an open heart.

metaphors & poetically-drenched life stories

This has happened before, where I haven't posted on here in a long while and the day I post again is the exact same day of the month as the last post I did.

I feel like a tree.
Or a flower.
A rose, perhaps. Or a daisy. I like those.

Finding my place has been the epitome of my life since July. Taking a seat, so to speak, and making myself comfortable in my own little world. I've been sifted, stirred up and left to settle. It's a mysterious world, I tell you, but it has all been grand and inevitable either way.

I've been feeling powerful and grateful and magical, also. Many wondrous things have crossed my path.

Metaphors aside and in all seriousness, I am posting here in a pitifully desperate attempt to reclaim my creativity. Why is it that I make my life so hard? As if I can't express myself elsewhere, I leave my poetically-drenched life stories in the hands of this blog.

Pendulums, Incense & Connectedness

Yesterday I went out to my favourite place ever, Odyssey, a metaphysical shop. My intention was to get a new pendulum, in which I found very successfully and with great joy. I feel a lot of energy in my hands and felt very drawn to the lepidolite pendulum I scouted out after scanning the wall scattered with dangling gems and crystals. I was overjoyed indeed!

Lepidolite is very pretty, lavender-esque, and represents the Third Eye and Crown chakras.

I also picked up some incense – Sage, Cedar & Sweetgrass – along with a small sage candle. Sage is often used for the clearing and cleansing of energies. It’s very purifying indeed and the combination of incense I got smell absolutelydivine! When I got home, I infused myself in it all and warped into a space of calm, grounded centeredness. I felt SO very connected. To myself, my Higher Self, to Source, to that space inside of us that is ever-so-calm and free and true and at peace. You know that place?

I think one of the best things we can do is spend time by ourselves. Embrace solitude. Explore ourselves introspectively. It is through the beauty of solitude that we discover, transform, reflect, learn, unravel, release and become.

Breakdown

I am not exaggerating when I say that over the past few consecutive weeks my life has been as scattered as a jigsaw puzzle.

It began in early January (but even in the fall a bit too) with general feelings of malaise, unease and dark clouds above my head. Somewhere along the way in mid-late January I found myself very unusually and chronically fatigued; I could not shake this strange sleepiness even when I would go to bed at 7pm. Each day I felt like I needed to go to bed at 2 in the afternoon. I was plagued with some serious sadness and my drive and upbeat enthusiasm for life was clouded beyond belief. I was the epitome of apathy. For the first time in my entire life I admitted to myself that I was feeling really depressed.

This was only the beginning.

One evening around 7pm I went out with my brother to the store and while driving I slowly began to feel as though I was going to fall asleep. Then I started to feel as though I had virtually no energy to hold the steering wheel, let alone drive. At this point I began to panic - what was happening to me? I was finally able to park and I stayed in the car as my brother ran in to get what he needed. I started crying frantically and essentially found myself having the absolute worst panic attack I have ever experienced. My legs, hands and face went numb and my right hand was all cramped up, which I later discovered occurs when you hyperventilate. I was certain that I was going to die if I didn't get help in time. When my brother came back he called my mom and her and her boyfriend came and took me to the hospital.

It gets worse.

I was mostly calmed down upon arrival at the hospital and decided I simply must be iron deficient. I was told I was iron deficient last year, my levels simply must have gotten worse. In a nutshell, the doctor basically told me I should go on medication for anxiety. I felt terribly misunderstood.

When I got home I felt awful. I felt like I was going to faint constantly, I couldn't stop crying and this depression felt a hundred times worse. The next day I got a blood test and waited very anxiously all weekend to find out the results on the Monday. They'll tell me I'm anemic, I'll get my levels up, and then I'll feel much better.

On the Monday I went to the doctor's only to be told my blood work was perfectly fine. Shit. Furthermore, I was told once again that I should be on medication for anxiety. My family doctor told me repeatedly that I have had anxiety for many years (which is true, though never like this). I felt so incredibly alone and terrified. I was trying to explain to him that something must be causing this anxiety. This doesn't just happen. But he only nodded and told me medication was the way. My refusal made him frustrated I think.

Then things got really bad.

Each following day I was in a state of severe, agonizing anxiety from the moment I would wake until I would go to sleep. I did not know what was wrong with me, which was the foundation of the thoughts stirring through my mind. I would think endlessly, "What is wrong with me? Am I going to feel like this forever?" and I would just keep digging a deeper hole of mental angst. I was constantly feeling like I was on the verge of a panic attack. My heart was beating frantically all day and my stomach was burning with nervousness. I kept referring back to the one time in my life that I endured an experience just like this, two years ago. It lasted a few weeks and went away. Comparing my experience this time to that of two years ago eased my concerns of this lasting forever.

It actually got so bad that I completely lost my appetite for a couple of days and not only for food, but the thought of doing anything made me feel extremely nauseous. This was the worst part of it. Actually, I found myself thinking that the worst part of feeling so anxious was everything I was feeling. The mere thought of going for a walk, going to school, writing in my journal, talking to my mom or even listening to music, made me feel like I was going to throw up. You name it, it would turn my stomach. I developed insomnia, too, which was an added bonus. The state I was in was the prime epitome of our primordial fight or flight response (you simply do not want to sit and read a book when adrenaline is furiously blazing through your body). Everywhere I would go I wanted to flee. Except, you see, that which I was trying to flee from was my mind. Yes, this was very uncomfortable.

There is a difference between panic attacks and anxiety attacks. Panic attacks are typically short lived yet extremely intense and anxiety attacks intensify over a period of time accompanied by excessive worry and can last for hours. What I was experiencing day in and day out were anxiety attacks. They would last for hours and hours.

For over a week or so I was having continuous anxiety, and then it began to dissipate and would come in waves or strides. I was finally beginning to gain some control of myself where I could think clearly for longer periods of time. I could even eat again. Last week I was actually feeling more like myself, which was monumental, as I was terrified of this feeling lasting forever, though I would still have bouts of anxiety. I was able to begin to help myself by using herbal tinctures such as Valerian and passion flower and magnesium supplements to relax. I discovered a wonderful tool called Emotional Freedom Technique that really decreased the nervousness in my stomach. I have also found talking things out really helped too.

Everything has just been very overwhelming.

Hibernation & Introspection

So here I am I suppose, below zero temperatures that leave me at my laziest. Minus ten today and I can feel myself preparing for hibernation. This is the first year where I'm really viewing the winter season as a time to hide, contract and vegetate. I really don't have much of an interest for this season, only when the snow falls fresh and all is enchanted. I enthusiastically decided last week that I will make a snowman this year. I guess the only best part about winter is snowstorms, though once my birthday passes all becomes rigid and messy and last week I got ice-wind burn on my cheeks when I walked to the store.

My favourite food right now is soft boiled carrots. I just ate an entire bowl of about five of them. Thick soups, rice and tea is all I want these days and it really is befitting for how a human would respond to such weather. I just want to curl up in a ball of fleece and flannel and read a book. It really isn't natural to be living in this part of the world I'm sure, for we'd die if it weren't for these houses. I want to live in a mild geographic location with more forest and mountains and bodies of water. Now how did I get on the topic of urbanization...? I despise it so, and I just recalled now a dream I had last night of a dear nature conservancy in my town that got demolished for a sports recreation center. What? I think I woke up really angry.

I am on holidays for one more week and I am just finishing up my last introspective piece for my Psychology of Disease class, an energy medicine course. Man this has been a very deep journey and I am just rounding up the finishing edges on what chakras of mine are imbalanced, why and what corresponding organs are being affected. So the journey continues - on to more healing!

What a Day for a Daydream ~

Solitude and Sigur Rós combined make me want to cry. Their music centers me in a way that only some things can.

I'm feeling so centered right now. Solitude is one component of who I am that is so freeing for me. It is space for me to gather myself while at the same time unleashing everything that is contained within the corners of my soul. My journal and thick binder packed full with an assortment of thoughts, experiences and feelings in the form of pen on paper is where I go to release. The head-space that I'm in when I am writing, drawing, painting or simply just allowing my inner-essence to flow is a kind of secret sanctuary. Nobody knows this place but myself. I can go to this hidden space and be free of judgement.
I have years and years worth of chronicled joy, pain and more pain, personal experiences, doubts, anxieties and excitement all concealed within this space. It is literally like a plunge pool, where my plethora of thoughts spill like a waterfall.
And when I'm in this space I am lounged out on my floor, centered and content, often feeling overwhelmed with abundance and love. Just the simple sensation of mentally releasing while at the same time being able to salvage some really interesting concepts or unintentional poetry.
Although it is a space of total confinement, it's at the same time a limitless space of introspection, mind-exploration and boundless musings.

The perfect setting for a free spirit.

Newness and Reflection

Me, Oct. 2009

It's a new month. It's December.
And with each new month I like to reflect on what I learned in the previous month. I like to do this because I like to really think about my life as I live it, to not live mindlessly. I like to think about what I have learned or discovered in each month that goes by, because I am always learning and growing so much. A lot of us go through our days wondering not only where the time has gone, but sometimes all of a sudden we'll recall something that happened that seems like so long ago. And we forgot to absorb it when we had the chance. I love the word absorb. I'm always absorbing.

So, what did I learn or discover in November? Quite a lot. As I posted before, I realized that I should buy my own food (living at home)! And thus an entirely new lifestyle has taken flight. I'm passionate about nutrition and wellness so I naturally gravitate towards new ways of eating and trying new things, to find out what I like and dislike, and to find out what works for my body. I've shifted towards not only eating 1 billion times healthier, but almost entirely raw - and not only raw, but raw vegan (not raw meat, just fruits, veggies, herbs, nuts and seeds). I'm dipping my feet in the waters of raw veganism and I am liking it a lot. It's a very slow process... getting the hang of what to eat, trying out new fruits and veggies, slowly eliminating the processed stuff.... But I feel so much better. It's like being completely one with nature, as I've noted before. The other day I made a raw veggie wrap, with avocado, onion, garlic and tomatoe all mixed up. And then I spooned it onto a romaine lettuce leaf like a taco and ate about 5 of them. I can't even explain how instantly amazing and energetic I felt. I just had to dance and I had this astonishingly beautiful spiritual experience as I felt the life run through me. I laid down on my floor and laughed and smiled. And I continued about my day in the the best mood ever. The happy mood didn't go away. This is something I've discovered raw food does.

And I think it's the neatest thing ever that I've been experiencing detoxification symptoms (since I've gone from a rather standard western way of eating to an abundance of highly cleansing foods). I love noticing my body ridding itself of toxins! Like this cool runny nose I've had. I don't have a cold or anything, just a runny nose from time to time during the day. Totally cool!

I am fascinated by our bodies and our human existence. How we work and the capabilities we have. We are amazing living things, and it feels great to nurture ourselves with clean nutritious foods that enable us to work at an optimal level in all aspects.

Not only do I like to reflect on what I've learned, but I like to wonder, "What will this new month bring me?"

What did you learn or discover this November?