Twenty Six

Today is my 26th birthday.

I booked today off work, a snowy Tuesday that has turned into heavy, slushy rain; but I spent the entire day listening to a meditation playlist, drinking banana-coconut milk, baking grain-free birthday brownies, blushing over the amount of well wishes, and doing a little bit of reading.

This birthday is the very first birthday out of all of my birthdays where I feel a little bit of discomfort. Usually I am lively and ecstatic on my special day, and I love to celebrate, but this time around the sun I'm feeling a little out of sorts.

My birthday is very close to the holiday season, and my holidays this year were a little somber. I found myself unusually wishing for Christmas to hurry up and be over and for New Years to quickly pass. I am still just processing some big, big stuff, and I'm thankful it is 2017, because 2016 was full to the brim with the difficulty of ending a relationship and the rise of some digestive health issues.

I've been spending a lot of time the past little while working on myself and filling up my pockets with a bounty of positivity in the form of affirmations and things of the like. In fact, my bedroom is stocked with tiny little notes of reassuring and encouraging words to keep me from twirling downward into that scary dark hole of anxiety and horrible thoughts. I must say, I feel really great as a result; I wake each morning telling myself my life is unfolding perfectly, that I can handle anything that comes my way, and that I always know the answers.

Being alone is scary, but it's thrilling. Regardless of what's behind me and what's to come, I am happy, and I'm excited about the future. I trust myself, the path I've walked thus far, and the path that's before me - whatever stones and twigs and roses I find along the way.

Healing My Gut: What I Eat

I make a big batch of soup every two days or so, because if I haven't emphasized enough, I am undergoing a major digestive healing protocol. My soups almost always contain carrots and chicken thighs with the skin on and bone-in, that I let simmer alongside any variety of vegetables that floats my boat for that day: celery and leek, peas and turnip, broccoli and parsley. Right now I am still at the relatively early stages of a combination of the SCD, GAPS and AIP diets; diets that are designed to give your system a much needed break while supporting the healing of the intestinal lining to improve absorption, seal leaky gut, and reduce overgrowth of bad bacteria.

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Since I developed post-infectious IBS and a number of food intolerances after my C. Diff infection in 2011, I've always made a note in my mind to try my best to avoid grains, legumes, refined sugar, and dairy, because I feel worse if I consume too much of those things. However, even as a nutritionist with the knowledge I have, it hasn't always been easy, or at least, I haven't always been strict enough about it. Not that I was eating unhealthily, I was just eating the wrong foods for me. It really wasn't until close to a month ago after dealing with 6 consecutive months of this flare-up, that I really knew I needed to make changes.

It's been about three weeks of following a very strict dietary regimen, but I must say, my symptoms have certainly improved. I am not yet where I'd like to be, but just knowing that my body is getting the break it needs and is less reactive, is extremely encouraging.

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A typical day of eating for me right now includes a lot of simple soups, bone broths, roasted chicken, fish, squash and other vegetables; my newest muse of cauliflower "rice" stir fry with beef and vegetables; sweet peas for a snack, zucchini "noodles" and lots of water and herbal teas (namely ginger, peppermint, or fennel). It can get repetitive but I can't say I'm sick of it just yet, in fact, I really quite enjoy the simplicity and ease of it all. It's really all very easy to prepare and I'm enjoying eating so many fresh ingredients.

If it seems like I'm not eating anything besides meat and vegetables, that's entirely the case. I am not eating fruit, nuts, dairy, legumes, grains or even starchy vegetables like potato. Restrictive? Absolutely. Am I feeling better because of it? Yup.

Restless

I had a productive day today, but a restless day. One of those can't-sit-still afternoons with the energy of a sloth, yet the desire to get up and do something stimulating. I felt trapped in my body; I didn't want to move and I had an insatiable appetite. I did go to the gym first thing this morning, however, which at least gave me some shimmer of satisfaction, if only a little bit.

Mostly though I sat at my computer and worked away: I responded to emails, edited videos and blog posts and photographs and thumbnails and procrastinated some along the way, too. I also ate half a bag of carrot chips, which are darn good, but perhaps not exactly something I should be eating half a bag of right now, what with all the sunflower oil and such. I also had my delicious sesame noodle bowl and an equally delicious cauliflower-rice stir fry.

Tomorrow I've a few things on my agenda: hop to the store to stock up on more carrots (a vegetable that is my entire life right now), fresh ginger, and chicken thighs. Soup is a very important part of my days as of late.

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I'm feeling increasingly content with what God, or the Universe, or something has planned for me. Maybe what I have planned for me, I still don't know. But I do know that I can wish and dream and take action and make things happen, like I do, but still there's a path that is paved and I'm walking gracefully along it, knowing it leads to the perfect place where all of my visions are in a basket of fruition, waiting for me to grasp it.

half of my heart's got a grip on the situation,

half of my heart takes time.

healing

I am feeling good these days! Did you know our digestive system and brain are very intricately connected?

Back in 2011 I suffered a bacterial infection causing me a hefty case of gastroenteritis. Since then I've struggled with a disturbing degree of all that encompasses a typical malfunctioning digestive system. Among a myriad of issues, I developed many food intolerances that if eaten, left me bloated with severe, stitching abdominal pains and a swelling sensation that would span the entire surface area of my intestinal tract.

Although the infection has since been dealt with, I still left with the aftermath.

Grains, sugar, legumes, lentils and dairy are the main foods I feel worst on. I can tolerate some organic goat cheese, however. The foods I thrive on are vegetables, all varieties of leafy greens, sea veggies, most fruits, meat, fish and good quality fats. Since I've eliminated grains from my diet I feel so. much. better. My digestive system is quiet and peaceful and things are just so much better for me.

I'm actually grateful that I've been faced with the need to refrain from eating grains because I have learned so much about not needing to consume them in the first place, regardless of whether or not I had a digestive catastrophe. I'll share more on that in the future, perhaps on my website's wellness blog. For now, I know how important it is that we listen to our body's valuable messages. We are extraordinarily wise! My eating habits have changed quite a bit over the past few years and although I wouldn't say I follow a vegetarian diet at this time like I used to, I will never stop putting an emphasis on eating an abundance of plant-based foods. They make up at least 3/4 of my meals (might I add, mashed sweet potato with cinnamon is DIVINE!) It's all about doing what's right for you.

In conjunction with eating simpler and nourishing my digestive tract through foods, I've also been taking a couple supplements to strengthen and support the integrity of my gut, too. These include Glutamine powder once a day (an amino acid -- a very important friend for strengthening our intestinal lining, among many other benefits) and probiotics. I take Genestra's HMF powder, one scoop, once in the morning. Managing my stress levels is a big deal for me also. I'm an anxious gal and anxiety + gut = enemies.

I have plans to do juice fasting once I figure out the appropriate time for it. I felt really good doing my small watermelon flush the other day, which consisted of just eating watermelon. Simplicity is key for a sensitive gut.

In health & healing...

Meghan :)

Breakdown

I am not exaggerating when I say that over the past few consecutive weeks my life has been as scattered as a jigsaw puzzle.

It began in early January (but even in the fall a bit too) with general feelings of malaise, unease and dark clouds above my head. Somewhere along the way in mid-late January I found myself very unusually and chronically fatigued; I could not shake this strange sleepiness even when I would go to bed at 7pm. Each day I felt like I needed to go to bed at 2 in the afternoon. I was plagued with some serious sadness and my drive and upbeat enthusiasm for life was clouded beyond belief. I was the epitome of apathy. For the first time in my entire life I admitted to myself that I was feeling really depressed.

This was only the beginning.

One evening around 7pm I went out with my brother to the store and while driving I slowly began to feel as though I was going to fall asleep. Then I started to feel as though I had virtually no energy to hold the steering wheel, let alone drive. At this point I began to panic - what was happening to me? I was finally able to park and I stayed in the car as my brother ran in to get what he needed. I started crying frantically and essentially found myself having the absolute worst panic attack I have ever experienced. My legs, hands and face went numb and my right hand was all cramped up, which I later discovered occurs when you hyperventilate. I was certain that I was going to die if I didn't get help in time. When my brother came back he called my mom and her and her boyfriend came and took me to the hospital.

It gets worse.

I was mostly calmed down upon arrival at the hospital and decided I simply must be iron deficient. I was told I was iron deficient last year, my levels simply must have gotten worse. In a nutshell, the doctor basically told me I should go on medication for anxiety. I felt terribly misunderstood.

When I got home I felt awful. I felt like I was going to faint constantly, I couldn't stop crying and this depression felt a hundred times worse. The next day I got a blood test and waited very anxiously all weekend to find out the results on the Monday. They'll tell me I'm anemic, I'll get my levels up, and then I'll feel much better.

On the Monday I went to the doctor's only to be told my blood work was perfectly fine. Shit. Furthermore, I was told once again that I should be on medication for anxiety. My family doctor told me repeatedly that I have had anxiety for many years (which is true, though never like this). I felt so incredibly alone and terrified. I was trying to explain to him that something must be causing this anxiety. This doesn't just happen. But he only nodded and told me medication was the way. My refusal made him frustrated I think.

Then things got really bad.

Each following day I was in a state of severe, agonizing anxiety from the moment I would wake until I would go to sleep. I did not know what was wrong with me, which was the foundation of the thoughts stirring through my mind. I would think endlessly, "What is wrong with me? Am I going to feel like this forever?" and I would just keep digging a deeper hole of mental angst. I was constantly feeling like I was on the verge of a panic attack. My heart was beating frantically all day and my stomach was burning with nervousness. I kept referring back to the one time in my life that I endured an experience just like this, two years ago. It lasted a few weeks and went away. Comparing my experience this time to that of two years ago eased my concerns of this lasting forever.

It actually got so bad that I completely lost my appetite for a couple of days and not only for food, but the thought of doing anything made me feel extremely nauseous. This was the worst part of it. Actually, I found myself thinking that the worst part of feeling so anxious was everything I was feeling. The mere thought of going for a walk, going to school, writing in my journal, talking to my mom or even listening to music, made me feel like I was going to throw up. You name it, it would turn my stomach. I developed insomnia, too, which was an added bonus. The state I was in was the prime epitome of our primordial fight or flight response (you simply do not want to sit and read a book when adrenaline is furiously blazing through your body). Everywhere I would go I wanted to flee. Except, you see, that which I was trying to flee from was my mind. Yes, this was very uncomfortable.

There is a difference between panic attacks and anxiety attacks. Panic attacks are typically short lived yet extremely intense and anxiety attacks intensify over a period of time accompanied by excessive worry and can last for hours. What I was experiencing day in and day out were anxiety attacks. They would last for hours and hours.

For over a week or so I was having continuous anxiety, and then it began to dissipate and would come in waves or strides. I was finally beginning to gain some control of myself where I could think clearly for longer periods of time. I could even eat again. Last week I was actually feeling more like myself, which was monumental, as I was terrified of this feeling lasting forever, though I would still have bouts of anxiety. I was able to begin to help myself by using herbal tinctures such as Valerian and passion flower and magnesium supplements to relax. I discovered a wonderful tool called Emotional Freedom Technique that really decreased the nervousness in my stomach. I have also found talking things out really helped too.

Everything has just been very overwhelming.

these days

I saw the bleeding red sunrise this morning

and it infused in me

pure

joy.

Mostly these days I feel an indifference sweeping through me
an irritable, restless, negative energy
I feel like I could sleep for days
as my yesterdays 12 hour sleep told me
Raw food surely brings a high
but wasn't long before I slipped back to low
I feel in similar equivalence to the abnormal melting of snow
Is this what they call wintertime blues?

Gliding

I love bike riding; it is something I have been doing lots of these days. I can just pop in my headphones and enter a new world as I glide down hills; flying past water and trees and flowery grass. It's really quite divine.

One of my favourite things about it is the releasing of fear as I speed downhill. I'll hesitate to brake a bit, but then I just release and let the flow of natural acceleration happen as it may. Trust. And I love just riding without a plan - going where I end up going for as long as it might take. Kinda close your eyes, feel the wind, the Earth around you, y'know?

The photo I posted was from many months ago... I can't actually remember taking it, however the sky is bright pink and is similar to my bike ride from yesterday evening. It was getting darker somewhat and the sky was painted pink and purple streaks accented with thick wispy clouds outlined in gray. It was magical.

Fresh Fruit & Veg Salad! Yummmmo!

This is a chopped fruit and veg salad I made last night, thought I'd share! I got the recipe from Raw Radiant Health (on Youtube) except she used jicama - a root vegetable that I didn't have.

It was so very tasty! :

• 1/2 red onion
• 1/2 yellow bell pepper
• 1/2 pear (in replacement of the jicama)
• 1/4 cucumber
• juice of 1/2 a lemon (or lime)
• Himalayan salt (or whichever salt you have) & pepper
• Drizzle of olive oil

Dice up ingredients, add oil and juice of lemon and mix around in bowl. Add your salt and pepper. You can certainly add in any other ingredients you like - tomatoe would be splendid.

Let us analyze the nutritional value of these delightful foods shall we? Red onions and cucumbers are a lovely source of vitamin C and fibre, bell peppers and lemons are high in antioxidants and in turn destroy free radicals! Yay! As well pears are a good source of copper which also protect the body from free radical damage. Isn't food just awesome?

Snow & Meditation

I've been very sick the past several days with the flu. It hasn't been very nice at all. I had a really high fever for a couple of days, and whenever I get a fever I get delirious. One time when I had a fever I was in bed and I thought there were a bunch of businessmen in my bedroom who I had to give all my blankets to (???). And the other day I was half sleeping/tossing/turning/moaning/crying out of discomfort and I thought I was wearing a polka dot dress...?

Anyway, what I wanted to write about was something that was very lovely that I did yesterday. When I was meditating, I suddenly came up with the idea that I wanted to relocate my meditation to my backyard in the snow. So I got off my mat, put on my brothers big winter coat, a hat and scarf, mittens and my boots and I went out into my backyard. And I flopped onto the thick fluffy snow. And I just lay there. I just looked right up to the big trees. And then a pleasant surprise, little wee frosty snowflakes slowly melted one by one one my face. It was so perfect.

Nothing else matters when you're out in nature.

Radiance

I saw the moon yesterday morning and it was huge and bright and the patterns on it were so visible and beautiful. I saw it and envisioned how it is out in space, floating, as we are here on Earth.
I also had no idea there was a lunar eclipse the night before. I'm very sad I missed it. Also very sad that I wasn't able to capture a picture of the big bright moon in the morning.

And I'm fantastically wonderful. I watched a video today about meditation, cosmic energy and astral bodies/travels. Oh yes. Indeed I meditated as well today.

I feel so very good.
So joyous, so abundant. Life-full, beautiful. Peaceful, love, happiness radiating in every direction from my soul.

December is being very good to me. Bringing me lots of lovely feelings. I've been connecting even more so with nature by wearing my hair natural, which is curly. I have always straightened it out of the inability to accept, embrace and manage the naturalness. However I accept it more than ever now.

Peace love happiness fulfillment wonder beauty life! Embrace it all, every moment, every day!

Newness and Reflection

Me, Oct. 2009

It's a new month. It's December.
And with each new month I like to reflect on what I learned in the previous month. I like to do this because I like to really think about my life as I live it, to not live mindlessly. I like to think about what I have learned or discovered in each month that goes by, because I am always learning and growing so much. A lot of us go through our days wondering not only where the time has gone, but sometimes all of a sudden we'll recall something that happened that seems like so long ago. And we forgot to absorb it when we had the chance. I love the word absorb. I'm always absorbing.

So, what did I learn or discover in November? Quite a lot. As I posted before, I realized that I should buy my own food (living at home)! And thus an entirely new lifestyle has taken flight. I'm passionate about nutrition and wellness so I naturally gravitate towards new ways of eating and trying new things, to find out what I like and dislike, and to find out what works for my body. I've shifted towards not only eating 1 billion times healthier, but almost entirely raw - and not only raw, but raw vegan (not raw meat, just fruits, veggies, herbs, nuts and seeds). I'm dipping my feet in the waters of raw veganism and I am liking it a lot. It's a very slow process... getting the hang of what to eat, trying out new fruits and veggies, slowly eliminating the processed stuff.... But I feel so much better. It's like being completely one with nature, as I've noted before. The other day I made a raw veggie wrap, with avocado, onion, garlic and tomatoe all mixed up. And then I spooned it onto a romaine lettuce leaf like a taco and ate about 5 of them. I can't even explain how instantly amazing and energetic I felt. I just had to dance and I had this astonishingly beautiful spiritual experience as I felt the life run through me. I laid down on my floor and laughed and smiled. And I continued about my day in the the best mood ever. The happy mood didn't go away. This is something I've discovered raw food does.

And I think it's the neatest thing ever that I've been experiencing detoxification symptoms (since I've gone from a rather standard western way of eating to an abundance of highly cleansing foods). I love noticing my body ridding itself of toxins! Like this cool runny nose I've had. I don't have a cold or anything, just a runny nose from time to time during the day. Totally cool!

I am fascinated by our bodies and our human existence. How we work and the capabilities we have. We are amazing living things, and it feels great to nurture ourselves with clean nutritious foods that enable us to work at an optimal level in all aspects.

Not only do I like to reflect on what I've learned, but I like to wonder, "What will this new month bring me?"

What did you learn or discover this November?

Raw Foods and a Juicer

I've been in such a happy mood lately, today especially. Since I've begun buying all my own foods, which I LOVE doing, I've discovered a lot of cool info on raw foods and the benefits and importance of consuming food in that way. I went to the health food store today (my goodness I love those stores) and picked up some Nori (seaweed sheets) and some vanilla almond milk. The man who worked there gave me the number of a business that delivers organic vegetables and fruits to your house! I'm totally going to look into that. I also took a trip to the grocery store and picked up nothing but tons and tons of fresh veg and fruit.

So I've been totally digging the raw stuff. Eating food raw allows you to get all the nutrients without scorching them on a pan. And so today I went out and bought myself a juicer! And oh my, it was the best decision I've made. I made a carrot, pear, spinach and celery juice and it tasted so wonderful. It was so smooth. It was the perfect mixture of life. And by life I mean, living foods. Literally, and I mean literally, once I started drinking it I actually was lifted with life energy! You know what I mean? Totally energized with LIFE from the EARTH! It was the most beautifully perfect way to be closest to nature. I already feel one with nature, so drinking nature was like fusing to nature in a whole new realm. It's not anything like pre-manufactured veggie drinks, this is the real deal man. All the nutrients go straight to your blood since there's barely a need to digest so it's like instant Mother Earth nature-life-energy.

Basically, I love it and I totally recommend a juicer because of the tremendously unbelievably delightful health benefits. And energy. And taste.