Morning Light

___

Outside it's quiet and grey, my blinds still drawn, a cat at my feet, and I'm nestled under three layers: cotton, flannel, and a quilt. There are four pillows on my bed and my head rests somewhere between them.

I roll over once, maybe twice, and I peer at my fish across the room swirling gently 'round his bowl. I sit up. I reach across the bed to the window beside me, and I let the light in.

That's my most favourite part of the morning: letting the light in. There's something about morning light, something I don't have a word for.

I think for a moment; occasionally I will open my journal and write a few words, otherwise, I stand up and make my way down the old wooden staircase that creaks loudly. Another opportunity for morning light: the curtains above the kitchen sink are closed. I open them, and the trees in the backyard are awake, the birds are alive, and there are rabbits.

The icy breeze outside prompts me to turn the kettle on. A mug, a teabag, and a seat at the table while I plan my day ahead.

___

Brave & Free

It takes a certain kind of bravery to value your worth enough to make life changing decisions. Decisions that sometimes hurt the people you love most, decisions that mean for a little while there is pain, there are clouds, and there is guilt.

For a very long time my life was blank. I had balloons full of hope, promise, and ultimately a path that many people would choose in a heartbeat. I was also empty, and afraid, and slowly becoming grey and dull. My days would flow with anger, resentment, frustration; but I would swallow the fear and carry on, pretending like it was everything I wanted, everything I needed. I would carry on as though, none of it bothered me, none of it shook me, none of it was corrupt in the deepest corners of my heart even though all of it was corrupt, all of it shook me, and all of it hurt me.

I was trapped, and so desperately wanted a way out. Ahead of me I saw one of two things: living a lie, or living my truth.

Truth always prevails, eventually, and the moment you pull it out from underneath the dust, open up the bottle it was locked inside, release it into the air from out of its cage, you are free.

found

Found Self,

magic erupts with a peaceful mind

heart ever-expanding

ever-lasting knowing...

fear escapes, inhabiting a new world

love is found within and

freedom downpours

bound by the sky

a limitless flight.

I've been so indecisive. I've thought I've known the answer, and then I have no idea. It's the realness that frightens me yet all she is, is freedom. Abundant offerings are found along the path of Truth.

I guess throughout the winter I did lose track of parts of me. A readily influenced, timid chameleon. All the busyness has left me dazed and docile. Fear has been holding hands tightly with Ego and one foot in front of the other they lead except, their destination is a foreign land.

The trees whisper clarity and paint me with answers. The stillness is freeing and the frozen winter is literally a frozen standstill.

A found self is reclaimed amidst peace. Peace is found in silence. Silence is found in stillness. Stillness is found in  us.

Wisdom lies beneath

and he's terribly patient.

Wonder

Today was just one of those mornings. One of those wonderful, wonderland mornings. Outside, a land, a place full of wonderful things. I awoke dazzled by the snowflakes dancing outside my window and without hesitation threw on my warm winter coat and meandered through Narnia.

Last night my mom asked to speak with me. Inspired, she elaborated on her newest musings on the topic of presence. Living in the moment. That ever-elusive concept in today's world of really being here, of embodying the Now. Myself being someone who has always struggled with attention and being distracted easily, I think about today's technologically-driven world. I think about the distractions so potent around us and the lack of focus, mindfulness and awareness as a result. 

As she  spoke so eloquently, I sat. I felt my presence deepen as I listened and remembered the value you receive when you are fully and wholeheartedly present.

She began telling me about a poem of people who lived their lives constantly waiting for the future, always waiting for happiness once this happens, after that happens. And then they're dying. I think about how I have been living my life lately in this way, so consumed by the future. Goals, plans, dreams, visions, excitements - it's all wondrous and perfect but it's important not to let them take you away from the beauty of life now. I remember that part of my journey that I somewhat lost touch with; how it feels to truly be in the moment, to genuinely see the beauty around, to be fully fascinated by the wonders of what already is. Today on my magical snowy walk, it is this that I embraced. 

When I sense my life passing before me, I know it's time to slow down. I've made a post on this before and I will again, but I find it particularly life-changing to wake up early, preferably with the sunrise. Days feel fuller, longer, slower.

Time for me to bring out some Eckhart Tolle. Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about. It's all about the Power of Now.

On another note, after I returned home from my walk in a winter wonderland I made a giant, delicious, wholesome smoothie consisting of 2 bananas, frozen peaches, mangoes, strawberries and raspberries, vanilla almond milk, hemp, wheatgrass and spinach. Delight!

I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes from The Power of Now:

"Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now."

Living, Doing, Now

The early morning is, in my humble opinion, the best time of day. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I have enveloped myself in early morning bliss.

I’ve gotten frustrated. For too long I’ve neglected the parts of me that need nourishment through that which brings me joy (this includes waking up with the sunrise, meditating and going for early morning nature walks). I work late most of the time and as a result end up staying up late, sleeping in later, and feeling as though my life is passing before my eyes because I’ve struggled to find that balance.

Lately I’ve been so inspired and driven to carry out all of the things I have wanted to be doing. The things I wish I was doing. And that’s the thing; so often we think ahead to the non-existent future where there lies all sorts of colourful, perfect visualizations of our life.

Look closely at the present moment you are constructing, it should look like the future you are dreaming. -Alice Walker

And that’s it. How else can we live the life we desire if we aren’t doing it already?

I got up this morning at 6 o’clock and did everything I’ve been yearning to do. So many emotions surfaced. Such an incredible surge of pure, pure, pure joy. I sat quietly on my yoga mat, next to a candle. Infused myself with centered~ness. I stretched. I opened my window and breathed in the influx of penetratingly crisp, sweet air. I stepped outside for a walk and immediately felt energized with indescribable bliss. The morning, you see, is the most beautiful time of day. The beaming sunrise dazzles everything. And the dew! Oh the dew. The air smells so much sweeter within that early dampness.

The best part of all about waking up early is the broadening of your entire day. You see more, experience more, feel more. It’s life-changing.

Cars & Pendants

If you were to ask me my thoughts on public transit, I'd tell you I really don't like it. I do enjoy train rides though.

I am a rather typical urban girl in terms of transportation. Getting my license was my first and foremost priority upon my 16th birthday. I have always had a thing for driving... I love it. So it has been very exciting as I got my very first car at the end of August. Exciting indeed! My life seems to have gotten busier and busier and getting my own vehicle has been necessary. It'll be handy until I'm ready to travel!

The first thing that came to my mind after getting my car was designing a chakra pendant for the rear-view mirror. I've had a vision of it since day one and so materialized that vision this afternoon at my local bead/gemstone shop.

I've made a beaded necklace before and quite enjoy the process of jewelry-making. Today I quietly sat, stringing beads and gems onto a wire. Focusing on absolutely nothing else but the preciseness of it all. That is, I find, the very best part about being totally enveloped in something. It's like when I draw or paint - I am in complete and utter focus on nothing but the world I am in.

Stillness

This moment.
Flowing without resistance.

Lost self,
but in silence I realize I AM always here.
Inwards & within resides the essence of WHO I AM.
All else dissipates, disintegrates, evaporates;
darkness disappears with light shone upon it.

And there I am. Patiently waiting.
Unshakable. Impenetrably still.

A Goddess lives inside.
Unaffected, unconditioned
she waits.

The pushing and pulling;
energies distributed unevenly but,
affected is the external I
unaffected is the internal

Soul soars in silence.

tick tock

Busy has been the essence of my daily life and a break is calling my name. Silence and space to breathe for a moment, paint a picture, do nothing. I'm patient, but I'm restless. Any day now. I can practically hear the ticking of the clock; the countdown to open~ness where my newest journey awaits.

Journey upon journey upon journey I'm finding myself sweeping glossy strokes of colourful paint across the canvas that is my life.

But in the midst of it all, what's really nice, you see, is taking a time out to let the sunbeams rest upon your skin; through the trees, against the breeze.

these days

I saw the bleeding red sunrise this morning

and it infused in me

pure

joy.

Mostly these days I feel an indifference sweeping through me
an irritable, restless, negative energy
I feel like I could sleep for days
as my yesterdays 12 hour sleep told me
Raw food surely brings a high
but wasn't long before I slipped back to low
I feel in similar equivalence to the abnormal melting of snow
Is this what they call wintertime blues?

soulfully close

The gray sky melted into the water as
I sat by the lake today and
lost myself in thought
about the Oneness of all that is and
I felt captivated by the elements as
I studied some crystallized rocks and
smooth stones and shiny gems
in the sand below my feet and
I walked right up to the shore and
it felt like I've never been so soulfully close
to water in my life and
the dull peering sun dropped sparkles on the waves
and I felt illuminated by the view.

Pique

Oh, life.
What is it?
Yesterday the wind piqued my curiosity
and today the rain is heavy and the sounds wash through me
while I sit beside my window.
The fallen droplets are crystal clear and they represent
sustenance
cleanse
release
grow
life.

Here is a mind-blowing quote of inspiration:

You have more raw brain power and creative
ability than you have ever used in your lifetime.
Your brain has over 100 billion cells,
each of which is connected to as many as 20 thousand other cells
by a complex network of ganglia and dendrites.
This means that the possible combinations and
permutations of cells in your brain is greater than
the number of molecules in the known universe.
Your ability to develop ideas, learn new information,
grasp simple and complex theories
is infinite and
unlimited.

Sifting, Sorting, Nurturing & a Desk

I spent yesterday painting this desk. I have been searching for one for the past few months for school. I had this vision in my mind of a simple wooden four-legged desk with a drawer, and that's what I was set on.

But, yesterday I was browsing through a thrift store and came across this desk. I figured the drawers would definitely be useful. It was originally wooden and carved into with pencils from little children. It was $7.00. I took it home. And tried to lug it out of my car by myself but was seriously mistaken when I was left holding it stuck halfway out. A man drove by me, reversed, asked if I needed help, and then saved my life. And then I, jolly as can be, painted it a rusty red.

Since last night I have been rearranging, simplifying, tidying, sifting and sorting through my bedroom (and mySELF). Things are beginning to feel clearer and calmer and more peaceful and steadier.

I had a fairly large list of things that I needed to get done this week and I accomplished them all! I bought some of my books for school, all of which I am eagerly excited about reading. I was reading through a couple of them last night and had to put them down because I'll end up reading the whole thing before school even starts. I think that's a sure sign that what you're studying is of interest...!
I was feeling terribly overwhelmed the past couple of weeks. Just disorderly and imbalanced, because of all the things I had to do and prepare for, such as my final G-class drivers license road test that I was really not wanting to do but I passed it ;-).

I have also been nurturing myself with lots of greens and veggies:



Soup: 3 tomatoes, 1/2 cucumber, few leaves of kale, handful of baby spinach, few stalks celery and carrots and a clove of garlic thrown into a blender then added to a cooked pot of 1/2 cup red lentils/1 cup water. Stirred just to warm up, not to a boil! Some himalayan salt, dash of pepper and a swirl of olive oil on top ~
I seem to post lots of soup recipes, but it's just that they are SO easy and delicious and quick and my blender is pretty much my best friend.

Gliding

I love bike riding; it is something I have been doing lots of these days. I can just pop in my headphones and enter a new world as I glide down hills; flying past water and trees and flowery grass. It's really quite divine.

One of my favourite things about it is the releasing of fear as I speed downhill. I'll hesitate to brake a bit, but then I just release and let the flow of natural acceleration happen as it may. Trust. And I love just riding without a plan - going where I end up going for as long as it might take. Kinda close your eyes, feel the wind, the Earth around you, y'know?

The photo I posted was from many months ago... I can't actually remember taking it, however the sky is bright pink and is similar to my bike ride from yesterday evening. It was getting darker somewhat and the sky was painted pink and purple streaks accented with thick wispy clouds outlined in gray. It was magical.

Breathe

~Trees outside my bedroom window

I'm longing for the Spring. I want to step outside in the cool breeze and feel the universe around me, the interconnectedness run through every cell in my body. I want warm days with sunshine and long, slow, easy walks. I want the comfort of a light sweater, no icicle-hands and frozen faces. I want eyes gently shut and arms reaching out and up to the sky. A long skirt to flow in the wind atop the cliff by the lake. Peace and a seat on the grass, breathing deeply. I want tears of pure happiness and quiet flowing through my blood. Nonchalance and smiles at the world. Bare feet on the ground and lying down beside a tree. Meditation in the forest, gazing at a flowing river. No rushing home to get warm, no rushing at all. I want misty raindrops on my skin and some thunder out my window. 

Leisurely. Dreamy.

I've been stressed a bit because of work these days. I don't particularly *like* my job and I really struggle to accept that I need to work there for now. And I work so much that all my time is devoted to a place I dislike and people I can't relate to. I'm lacking in areas of my life that bring me the utmost peace, and below zero temperatures accompanied by brown snow and a lack of vitamin D doesn't help. When I do have free time it's only for the rest of the evening and I'm up early again to do it all over. I really don't like this repetitiveness and I can't wait to be in school so I'm surrounded by my passion rather than the opposite.

Though I have been reading a couple books by Eckhart Tolle and I enjoy it a lot. Lots of reminders to focus on the present, to accept it, and to just be here Now. And this is what I have been trying my best to keep my intention on. I have a few days off, I just need to breathe.

Cloudy Day Walk

I live about a five minute walk from Lake Ontario. Today was cloudy and cool and windy and beautiful. I really love cloudy days... there's something about a cool, overcast day that makes me feel centered and quiet. It always reminds me of being around my mom when I was very little, when I lived at my old house. 

There were tons and tons of monarch butterflies fluttering around me (I tried to get one to land on me). I stood on a cliff and just watched and listened to the waves down below. I just love having the world surround me.

Imagine by John Lennon

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

I love these lyrics. I love what he is saying. I think me and John would have gotten along very nicely.