alive

Spring is coming. This delights me.

Greenery still awaits and I have yet to see some budding but I know it's around. It's still chilly out there but the sun has made many more appearances these days than it has over the past six months, so, for that I am grateful. It's so warm and satisfying. There is such a magnificent difference between natural sunny sunlight and artificial lighting. These nuances are much more noticeable when you're deprived of one or the other for a lengthy period of time. The only word that comes to my mind to try and describe what sunshine feels like is alive.

I've been a very busy bee lately with renovations I've hardly had time to focus on anything else. My attention span is picky and determined when it's zeroed in on something exciting. You know what I love? Decorating. You know what else I love? The hardware store. Spring is indeed a fine time for re-doing things. It tends to be the time when I gravitate towards simplifying and change. Out with the old, in with the new. You know? Earth is changing, too.

weakness

February doesn't bear much; offering no more than cold hands and a lack of sunshine. It feels as though I haven't been outside in eternity, it feels foreign out there yet I am desperate for its offerings. Every time I step outside there's an overwhelming sense of invigoration as I peer at the sky and trees.

Oh Springtime, won't you arrive?

I'm sitting at my desk before my window. A chilly draft seeping down through infinitesimal cracks, reminding me to shift my gaze to the playful, plentiful white flakes of snow twirling wildly in front of me.

I feel at a loss for words these days as I seem to periodically trip over potholes of stress and tension and each time I am reminded of my weakness that I am nothing short of a giant, unduly worrywart who, although much of the time enjoys a nice heaping spoonful of positivity and optimism, falls victim to that of total despair and a tendency to expect the worst. Sometimes telling myself that everything is going to be okay is more labored than I'd like to admit.

You know how I'm truly feeling? I'm feeling seriously compelled to simplify my life. This gnawing urgency taps me on the shoulder about twice a year, usually around springtime but more so when I'm feeling particularly messy and exposed, in head and in heart. I just want to hide away, delete things, clean things, throw things out, be left alone.

fuschia flower

And the tree was so alive

the ant walked up it

the ant was so alive, too, in its very own reality!

I felt the suns heat as I walked in and out of shadows casted by the trees.

I smelled the thick fragrance of a bed of flowers

and the fuschia flower was so brightly coloured I couldn't believe the earth made it. 

I saw the stillness of the land and sky contrast against the wavy water,

and it was so blue

and the grass was so green that I had to touch each blade.

And the clouds in the sky were so soft and real and moved so swiftly.

Happy dearest November, the month of aubern. I usually think of naked trees and bald shrubs this time of year but there are lots of yellow leaves instead. Still each day is my favourite piece of artwork. Oh how I love the shriveled, wasting leaves that blow about; sidewalks coated in leaf smears and cloudy skies above it all. When the sun shines this time of year it reminds me of long ago, perhaps a dream or perhaps my childhood.

This is how it has been, if I can try to move through the static in my brain.
Lots of shifting, I think.
The yearning for simplicity has been calling
something new, something comfortable.
So much needed and still needs to wash away.
I think I am sensitive.
I threw a lot out yesterday. I forgot how damn good it feels.

Liberation & Inspiration

Today I wrote down a bunch of inspirational messages that I had received via email on my cell phone a few years ago. My phone contract ends in a week so I've been salvaging a variety of miscellaneous notes and messages and whatnot, since I'll be getting rid of my phone. For a long time now I've wanted to have no cell phone. I've had this contract for 3 years now and I really just want a break from being so totally available. And besides, I think it would be a lot better to have people ring me up when they actually need to speak with me (or if they'd just like to chat) as opposed to texting incessantly. I've got this ridiculous three year old blackberry, of which I was in apparent dire need of having when I was younger, 3 years ago. However now I much prefer something simple and more importantly, cheaper! My goodness the money I have spent on this unnecessary device that provides me no more than useless applications is depressing. Cell phones aren't even cell phones anymore, they're miniature computers fully equipped with pointlessness. 

Hold on, hold on - I didn't initially plan on going off on a tangent about this, but I might as well. What gets me the most - and I mean, what really gets on my nerves - is the fact that not only are people becoming more and more immersed in these devices, but people, especially younger generations (which are the most delicate of people) are not practicing and developing proper social skills. As well as people becoming more and more engaged in the belief that they absolutely need these things, furthermore seeking out these temporary means of fulfillment and enjoyment which in turns tears them away from what really matters in this life. Things like truly connecting with people, with nature, with tangible hobbies, interests and passions. 

After I take a wee break from having a phone for a while, I'll be ready for a much cheaper phone plan. I think it will be an interesting experiment of sorts, having such freedom and knowing that nobody will know where I am or have such immediate ways to contact me. I think it'll be liberating. Mmm, simplicity!

Anyways, here are the inspirational messages I originally intended on posting:

• When in doubt, just take the next small step.
• Life is too short to waste time hating anyone
• You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
• Make peace with your past so it doesn't screw up the present.
• Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
• Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
• Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
• Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
• When it comes to going after what you want in life, don't take no for an answer.
• Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special
• Go with the flow.
• Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
• Nobody is in charge of your happiness but you.
• Frame every so-called disaster with these words, 'In 5 years, will this matter?'
• Forgive everyone everything.
• What other people think of you is none of your business.
• Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
• However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
• Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
• Get outside every day.
• If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
• Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
• It's OK to let your children see you cry.
• The best is yet to come.

Favourite Gift and the Sky

This is my favourite present I was given for Christmas. It's a bracelet with a crystal tree pendant and on the flip side it reads live the green life. The little tin it came in said "live in the present". Isn't that so clever? And I'm totally all about living in the moment ;)
My other favourite present is the calendar I got. Every Christmas I get a new calendar, and I love getting new ones. I just love putting them up and changing the page for each new month. This year I asked for a calendar with either mountains, nature, or something of the like with inspirational quotes if possible (I love inspirational quotes). The calendar I got is landscape photographs of Canada.

You know, this is the first Christmas where I really didn't want anything.  I just don't have that desire for things like I used to.

I'm excited for the new year. This year went by so fast. Time in general is going by so fast... it never seemed to. Christmas happened so out of nowhere that I barely noticed it. Usually each year I have some sort of miniature exciting countdown in my head but this year it was just like "Oh, now it's Boxing Day." Perhaps it's because I've been working so much...

Either way, the new year is approaching so very quickly and I know 2011 is going to be a good year. Every year to come will be a good one... because I am more aware now than ever of this deep never-ending journey I am on that just keeps teaching me all kinds of new lessons all the time.

One more thing I wanted to mention is about the sky. Lately I have noticed that I look up to the sky a lot. And when I look up to it, it grounds me. You know what I mean? I look to it and I think of its limitless boundaries and the space and stars and Universe that's up there. That we're in, rather. But when I think of this, it removes the seriousness of daily life from the moment and reminds me that we are only floating in space. And how can we take that seriously? It's laughable. There's nothing to worry about, nothing to fret over, there are no problems, life is life. It is what it is. No worries. Because we're floating around in space.

I always seem to talk about the Universe on this blog. I guess I think about it a lot.

Happy holidays

Simplicity

Me in my dorm room in college, Dec. 4/2009

Journal entries from one year ago:

Simplicity – December 5/2009

I have come to the decision that I am going to simplify my life. I am going to rid myself as much as possible of chaos, complexity and unnecessary items.

I’m going to throw things out. Clean out my drawers; reduce the amount of clutter I own; the amount of clutter I carry around with me every day.

It starts now.

(11:14pm)

Dec. 5/09

I invision my (simple) life to be clearer, quieter and free. No clutter, only essentials and important things that make me happy. My (simple) life will be happy; and full of only things that I like, need, value and appreciate.

Dec. 6/09

I can't wait for simpleness. For perfect organization. For a mind of complete clarity, true happiness, true contentment.

Exactly one year ago today was when my life truly began to change. I had my very first full blown, life-altering epiphany. It's the foundation of what has shaped me into the girl I am today.

It was late in the evening and I was sitting on my floor in my dorm room. I looked around me. And I realized - something I've never realized before - that I didn't need, or want, any of the things that surrounded me. Everything I owned was suddenly completely useless. That little flat screen TV I just had to have for college, all those over-expensive clothes hanging in the closet, too many pairs of shoes sitting by my door, too much crap in my purse, too much, too much, too much! Nearly every single thing I owned no longer meant anything to me. I started clearing out my room. Throwing shit out. Getting rid of things. I remember specifically I had a wallet that my best friend got for me for my birthday which I really wanted, and I stopped using it right then and there. It was too fancy. Too unnecessary. I switched to a tiny little simple wallet that my Nana brought back from Ireland.

I wanted everything to be simple. All I wanted was simplicity. Frugality.

That same night I deleted tons of stupid pop music from my iPod and started downloading tons of ambient, meditation music. And that night I listened to it all. I absorbed every soothing sound and felt the rush of simplicity pour into my life. One of those songs that I still listen to today reminds me totally of those last few weeks in college after my simplicity transformation.

My room was so clean and tidy. I lit candles and enveloped myself in the soft music and clarity of my new mind and environment. 

When I got home after withdrawing and completing the semester, I remember I cleared out just about every single belonging I had in my bedroom. And literally, quite literally, my room had nothing but a few necessary things. I threw out almost all my clothes (I remember my best friend thinking I was crazy and what a waste of money) but it felt so good. All those stupid clothes were gone and replaced with basic attire. Since then I have filled my closet over time with beautiful pieces from different stores (my favourite places to shop are thrift stores) and have truly made my style my own, an expression of how I feel in the inside (and it certainly isn't basic). I love wearing and having things that are meaningful.


Today, simplicity is the foundation of who I am (since then I've experienced zillions of epiphanies that have further defined me). I always sink back into that mindset and remember how important it is to keep things simple. It keeps me clear. In retrospect I kind of think that that clearing-out phase I went through was a result of the break up I was going through. It was me subconsciously clearing my life and starting over on a fresh, clean slate.

This is a painting I made when I was fully submerged in simple living.
Ever since that night, I have not looked at life the same in terms of materialism. And it goes so much deeper than that. I hate it. I think it's so useless and I feel that too many people's lives revolve around things. Too much doing and having and not enough being. Too much noise and nonsense, chaos and busyness. Not enough quiet and thinking. Not enough appreciation. Too much wanting more, more, more. Things, things, things.

Things don't bring fulfillment. And this is something I discovered that night. This is where my journey truly began.