Twenty Six

Today is my 26th birthday.

I booked today off work, a snowy Tuesday that has turned into heavy, slushy rain; but I spent the entire day listening to a meditation playlist, drinking banana-coconut milk, baking grain-free birthday brownies, blushing over the amount of well wishes, and doing a little bit of reading.

This birthday is the very first birthday out of all of my birthdays where I feel a little bit of discomfort. Usually I am lively and ecstatic on my special day, and I love to celebrate, but this time around the sun I'm feeling a little out of sorts.

My birthday is very close to the holiday season, and my holidays this year were a little somber. I found myself unusually wishing for Christmas to hurry up and be over and for New Years to quickly pass. I am still just processing some big, big stuff, and I'm thankful it is 2017, because 2016 was full to the brim with the difficulty of ending a relationship and the rise of some digestive health issues.

I've been spending a lot of time the past little while working on myself and filling up my pockets with a bounty of positivity in the form of affirmations and things of the like. In fact, my bedroom is stocked with tiny little notes of reassuring and encouraging words to keep me from twirling downward into that scary dark hole of anxiety and horrible thoughts. I must say, I feel really great as a result; I wake each morning telling myself my life is unfolding perfectly, that I can handle anything that comes my way, and that I always know the answers.

Being alone is scary, but it's thrilling. Regardless of what's behind me and what's to come, I am happy, and I'm excited about the future. I trust myself, the path I've walked thus far, and the path that's before me - whatever stones and twigs and roses I find along the way.

Home

__

The earth is alive

all around there is singing

the voices of chickadees

a robin

a stream of water

The glowing silhouette of tiny insects

flutter before the setting sun

they all have a place to be

I wonder where they go

I wonder what they do

I wonder what they see.

The orange sun falls lower in the sky;

and just above the fence it greets me

a good evening

a good night

It's bright and satiating and

fills my thirsty body with light

I breathe in

the world around me smells so green;

the grass is dewy

the ground is soft

and beneath the lilac tree

somehow I'm home. 

__

Hills And Stones

___

Do you ever wish that you could have a peek into your future?

just a glimpse,

just one curious eye through a keyhole

just one sense of the road ahead

of what's to come

of what's to tread

At the very least, we can be content knowing

the future will unravel seamlessly;

it will be velvety like the moon on the water and

the hardships will be overcome

like hills and like stones 

they will be subdued and

harmony will prevail if

we follow the song

of our soul

and the words

from

within

___

Freedom

The past few days have been such beautiful days. I'm not only referring to the bright sun, the singing birds, the soft rain, or the sound of the wind; but emotionally - I am free.

I'm finally, finally free.

For over two years I put the voice of my spirit on hold. I literally hushed it silent. I kept any of its words to a minimum, prohibited to speak up. And if this doesn't make sense, what I mean is, I consciously told the parts of me that knew the place I was at and the relationship I was in that was wrong, was just fine. I told myself that my fears, concerns, and doubts were petty, insignificant, unimportant, and certainly not worthy of ruining my time spent trying desperately to live a life that was as backwards and upside down as anything I've ever known.

I can say to myself that I should have done something sooner, but everything that was placed in my lap up until this point, right here, right now, is everything I needed in order to grow, and to learn, and to become who I am now and who I'll be in the future. I wouldn't know what I know now if I hadn't treaded through the waters that I did.

And today I feel the heavy cloud held above my head slowly fading away. The weight of it all is gone.

The weight of everything I held inside that ate me alive slowly, slowly.

I'm free.

Brave & Free

It takes a certain kind of bravery to value your worth enough to make life changing decisions. Decisions that sometimes hurt the people you love most, decisions that mean for a little while there is pain, there are clouds, and there is guilt.

For a very long time my life was blank. I had balloons full of hope, promise, and ultimately a path that many people would choose in a heartbeat. I was also empty, and afraid, and slowly becoming grey and dull. My days would flow with anger, resentment, frustration; but I would swallow the fear and carry on, pretending like it was everything I wanted, everything I needed. I would carry on as though, none of it bothered me, none of it shook me, none of it was corrupt in the deepest corners of my heart even though all of it was corrupt, all of it shook me, and all of it hurt me.

I was trapped, and so desperately wanted a way out. Ahead of me I saw one of two things: living a lie, or living my truth.

Truth always prevails, eventually, and the moment you pull it out from underneath the dust, open up the bottle it was locked inside, release it into the air from out of its cage, you are free.

found

Found Self,

magic erupts with a peaceful mind

heart ever-expanding

ever-lasting knowing...

fear escapes, inhabiting a new world

love is found within and

freedom downpours

bound by the sky

a limitless flight.

I've been so indecisive. I've thought I've known the answer, and then I have no idea. It's the realness that frightens me yet all she is, is freedom. Abundant offerings are found along the path of Truth.

I guess throughout the winter I did lose track of parts of me. A readily influenced, timid chameleon. All the busyness has left me dazed and docile. Fear has been holding hands tightly with Ego and one foot in front of the other they lead except, their destination is a foreign land.

The trees whisper clarity and paint me with answers. The stillness is freeing and the frozen winter is literally a frozen standstill.

A found self is reclaimed amidst peace. Peace is found in silence. Silence is found in stillness. Stillness is found in  us.

Wisdom lies beneath

and he's terribly patient.

carousel

I've made a mess but there's a freedom that I feel
there's something exquisite about the chaos
the spaciousness between the clutter
we're never really without;
curious and trembling
a wandering mind thinking too hard
guilt-laden
sopping with uncertainty
a carousel.

metaphors & poetically-drenched life stories

This has happened before, where I haven't posted on here in a long while and the day I post again is the exact same day of the month as the last post I did.

I feel like a tree.
Or a flower.
A rose, perhaps. Or a daisy. I like those.

Finding my place has been the epitome of my life since July. Taking a seat, so to speak, and making myself comfortable in my own little world. I've been sifted, stirred up and left to settle. It's a mysterious world, I tell you, but it has all been grand and inevitable either way.

I've been feeling powerful and grateful and magical, also. Many wondrous things have crossed my path.

Metaphors aside and in all seriousness, I am posting here in a pitifully desperate attempt to reclaim my creativity. Why is it that I make my life so hard? As if I can't express myself elsewhere, I leave my poetically-drenched life stories in the hands of this blog.

paths

And so she said,

"Living in the present moment!"

"Yes," I thought, "that's how it should be."

Indecisiveness. What happens when we want to go one way, but want to go another way, too. Or, we don't know which way to go altogether.

"Which way?" We ask ourselves.
"That way." We respond.
"But what if that way isn't the right way?" We ask again.

And so we sit. Silently. Intermittent frustration. Intermittent certainty. Waiting for guidance. Sometimes we just wish someone would simply tell us the answer. You see, then we'd know which way to go.

Answers do flow freely from us, our internal wisdom, though it often goes unnoticed. Fear has a strong grip, or so it seems.

Everything is a journey!

Living, Doing, Now

The early morning is, in my humble opinion, the best time of day. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I have enveloped myself in early morning bliss.

I’ve gotten frustrated. For too long I’ve neglected the parts of me that need nourishment through that which brings me joy (this includes waking up with the sunrise, meditating and going for early morning nature walks). I work late most of the time and as a result end up staying up late, sleeping in later, and feeling as though my life is passing before my eyes because I’ve struggled to find that balance.

Lately I’ve been so inspired and driven to carry out all of the things I have wanted to be doing. The things I wish I was doing. And that’s the thing; so often we think ahead to the non-existent future where there lies all sorts of colourful, perfect visualizations of our life.

Look closely at the present moment you are constructing, it should look like the future you are dreaming. -Alice Walker

And that’s it. How else can we live the life we desire if we aren’t doing it already?

I got up this morning at 6 o’clock and did everything I’ve been yearning to do. So many emotions surfaced. Such an incredible surge of pure, pure, pure joy. I sat quietly on my yoga mat, next to a candle. Infused myself with centered~ness. I stretched. I opened my window and breathed in the influx of penetratingly crisp, sweet air. I stepped outside for a walk and immediately felt energized with indescribable bliss. The morning, you see, is the most beautiful time of day. The beaming sunrise dazzles everything. And the dew! Oh the dew. The air smells so much sweeter within that early dampness.

The best part of all about waking up early is the broadening of your entire day. You see more, experience more, feel more. It’s life-changing.

Nature, Serenity & Simple Things

First of all, happy 25th birthday to my older brother, Adam!

I went to my very favourite forest/conservation area this evening with my younger brother. Originally to trek through some trails, but found ourselves climbing trees instead. The weather and early October landscape has been breathtaking these days. Fall, being my favourite season, brings me tremendous joy. I feel so much peace from the breezes, the colours, the indescribable essence of it all.

I’ve been wanting to express my feelings of gratitude for simple things such as this. For it is oh but the little things that bring us joy and  lasting fulfillment. The temporary means of fulfillment that material possessions provide is  pathetic in comparison.

I was jolted with a deep sense of serenity when I looked in the distance at the colourful trees. I cannot explain it fully, but in essence, I felt as though the troubles found in this artificial world we live in were meaningless. Being in nature reminds us of what we are, who we are, where we are. Shifts our perspective, shifts our focus.

Cool breezes; foggy, misty afternoons; sunrises; rustling leaves; overcast days in the fall. A few things that I am ever-grateful for and that never cease to bring me complete and utter joy.

Today’s affirmation:

I am free, even in the midst of limitation within the illusions of life.

change

These days I've felt incredible urges to change things in my life. I want something different, I want something new. I feel like doing something. Painting my bedroom, rearranging my furniture, cutting my hair. I seem to go through these phases at certain times of the year (must be a seasonal thing). I feel like I'm an onion lately, peeling away at layers. Unraveling and unveiling pieces of myself that have been repressed and have needed to shine through.

Ever since I was about 13 I've wanted my nose pierced. I've thought over it through the years and always resonated with them. Last night after ruminating over it for a good 30 minutes I just grabbed my car keys and left to the tattoo parlor. Wee!

It hurt a lot. Some swearing happened. But, only momentarily.

Fear, Fearlessness, Careers, Authenticity.

I took a solo trip downtown Toronto yesterday afternoon to the CHFA East, a natural health and organics trade show hosted at the ginormous Metro Toronto Convention Center. It was nice, being surrounded by that which I salute. I felt independent, busy. I got free stuff. I equally felt little and young. I was, after all, told the other day for a third time that I appear to be the age of twelve. Twelve...? Hm. I grimace at these such remarks only half-seriously, for I am rather content with my apparent youthful disposition, though feel an irking when I'm told upon repetition that I resemble that of a child. It runs in the family. I also happen to be on the shorter end of the five-foot-somethings.

So I've been thinkin' lately. Ultimately it stems from a deep underlying intuitive feeling and knowing of my place in this world. This is something that I have been dealing with and have needed to work through.

I am wholeheartedly, passionately and happily in alignment with my love and pursuance in the field of holistic health and nutrition. Holistic living is my CORE. This is not the issue. What I'm really referring to here is my natural and automatic withdrawal and resistance to anything that makes me feel boxed in. Hmmm... let me explain:

For myself as a Holistic Nutritionist, I am not merely a nutritionist. I am girl with a plethora of passionate interests in which I plan to pursue, without a doubt. When I envision my future, it is not merely comprised of telling people to eat more carrots. Yes, I want people to eat more carrots and I will forever encourage nutrition, but I am feeling utterly inspired as of two days ago to explain here on my blog my own personal place as a writer, a creative expressionist, someone who loves eating and promoting the consumption of wholesome foods (a.k.a nutritionist), a painter, a photograph-taking-lover, someone who enjoys spiritual ventures and musings, a philosopher, a cosmic-enthusiast, and as a girl. 

My fundamental point here is that I have been desperately yearning for the ability and permission to be wholly authentic, in myself and in my business. I want to display, promote and express a whole assortment of things, not linearly or exclusively one thing. When I say "permission" I am indeed referring to this apparent fearfulness and need within myself to have approval and reassurance from others. Reassurance from society perhaps, that I can and will succeed in this world as an authentic woman who stands true to her morals and beliefs. I realize society will certainly not provide me with the approval I seek. So I am giving myself permission. Right here, right now. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.

I see people that make livings through carrying out a variety of different jobs that are authentic to who they are. Creative writers that are doulas and yoga instructors and musical teachers and farmers and photographers and bloggers, all combined. Seeing people who live this way inspires me tremendously, for it is that which is precisely my desire. To live a versatile life. A simple life. My at times depressingly disapproved stance on nearly all things I am aware of in this society leads me to an inherent need to flee from it all and remember who and what I am as a human being.

So, once again, my fundamental point is really that I am not interested whatsoever in just expressing merely nutrition as part of my role as a Holistic Nutritionist; as part of my "career". As part of what I'd like to offer others. As part of what I'd like to talk about, write about, blog about, educate others about. I have opinions, beliefs, ideas, philosophies and knowledge that I simply cannot refrain from expressing to solely please some invisible standard and thereby sacrifice who I am. I am a nutritionist, but not only that. I am only at the very beginning of my journey of blossoming.

For what it's worth, here is a list of a few things I intend and absolutely plan to pursue. This is a confirmation for the Universe to allow it to manifest, of course!:

• Yoga Instructor certification (in India, preferably)
• Take part in some sort of art course/retreat (painting, drawing, sculpting, etc.) for several weeks far away, up north, away from city life.
• Take a course in Energy Medicine
• Take a Reiki course
• Take a course in metaphysical sciences
• Become a doula (once I've experienced NATURAL childbirth and have become a parent myself. I've always been fascinatingly interested in the human body, the female body. The magnificence of it all. Long story short, I've become obsessed with and intrigued by pregnancy lately).
• Travel the world.
• Live in a cob house.
• Live in British Columbia. Or Norway. Or Switzerland.

Slow Down & Be Patient

I had an epiphany the other night. Actually I've had a few.

I've been going through many processes and transformations this year. Questioning myself, losing myself, finding myself, settling into myself. Thoroughly feeling the myriad of emotions in which accompany the human experience.

One thing that I have really needed lately is to  s l o w   d o w n. I've been caught up in a whirlwind of busyness and an overwhelming load of to-do lists, tasks and obligations. Mostly though I've come to realize that I seem to be doing a lot of it to myself. Unnecessarily taking on more than I can handle. But, all is well. I truly believe that everything that happens in our lives is meant to happen. We always are where we're supposed to be! I'll often think "What's the lesson in this?"

So I found myself with revelations abound; realizing that I've got so many things going on all at the same time and that I really am doing more than I need to; that I'm rushing and hurrying everything in my life; that I'm not embracing patience or presence; that I need a time out to assess my situation and that mostly, I don't have to have everything right now. It all comes in time. It's all a process. (P.S., writing or talking issues, worries, anxieties, etc. out with someone will almost inevitably bring you to conclusions).

The picture shown here was taken when I went for a bike ride the other afternoon. I'm certain that bike riding is one of the most freeing and blissful activities out there. I've found myself just soaking up any morsel of peace and solitary moment I get, such as when I stood on the shore and breathed. I think I've really lacked that aspect of solitude in my life lately (something that is crucial to my well-being). Even a couple weeks ago when I was driving home, radio on, setting sun beaming on my face, windows down, tears. I was hit with an overflowing sensation of freedom for a few short minutes.

Cars & Pendants

If you were to ask me my thoughts on public transit, I'd tell you I really don't like it. I do enjoy train rides though.

I am a rather typical urban girl in terms of transportation. Getting my license was my first and foremost priority upon my 16th birthday. I have always had a thing for driving... I love it. So it has been very exciting as I got my very first car at the end of August. Exciting indeed! My life seems to have gotten busier and busier and getting my own vehicle has been necessary. It'll be handy until I'm ready to travel!

The first thing that came to my mind after getting my car was designing a chakra pendant for the rear-view mirror. I've had a vision of it since day one and so materialized that vision this afternoon at my local bead/gemstone shop.

I've made a beaded necklace before and quite enjoy the process of jewelry-making. Today I quietly sat, stringing beads and gems onto a wire. Focusing on absolutely nothing else but the preciseness of it all. That is, I find, the very best part about being totally enveloped in something. It's like when I draw or paint - I am in complete and utter focus on nothing but the world I am in.

Sunday Scribblings: Drought

A long time ago I was directed to a blog, Sunday Scribblings, that provides writing-prompts. A word to source some inspiration of something to write about. I haven't done it since last year, and seeing as today is Sunday, I thought it be a good day to reunite with it. Today's word is drought.

Naturally I'd like to write a poem, but instead I'm feeling compelled to just write about my thoughts on that word. Drought. It can go many different ways, and my mind's eye is focusing in on metaphors and analogies that surround the concept of going through a period of time in our lives when there is little sustenance; a lack of substance. Those times when we find ourselves amidst a life of "drought". Wishing and waiting for "rain", symbolically representing peace, balance, freedom or an open door; satiety or repletion, or whatever the idea of precipitation means to you, to feed our thirsty hearts.

In this case, I am referring to rain as a representation of redemption, so to speak. Something to long for when we're all dried up. Wherever we are in our lives, whatever path we are on or stage we are at; whether we feel that need for revitalization just as a thirsty, coiled floret... rainfall will always ensue to replenish our withered bones.

plans & anticipation

thunderstorm Sunday afternoon

Don't you just love thunderstorms? There is something enchanting about them. That distinct scent of rain, billowing of black clouds, cessation of wind before the downpour ensues.

I have been feeling overwhelmingly creative these days. My mind has been submerged in anticipation for what is quickly approaching in my life. In just a couple of weeks I will begin my newest life chapter; it feels as though I am bursting at the seams with excitement for the plethora of plans that I have. I will begin the process of collaborating my blogs, including free spirit journal, into one website where I will finally be able to have one space to share, express, connect and inspire through each of my many passions - spirituality, nutrition, life - as a Holistic Nutritionist.

My life for nearly a year now has been saturated in stress with having too much to do and simply not enough time to do it all. But somehow I've always managed to get everything done in the midst of chaos. This has actually been my theme for this month of July - perseverance, diligence and determination. In fact, July has been quite the month of lessons and themes. I've really been coming into my power of letting go and releasing fears pertaining to the ever-so-scary (but not really) opinions of others. Oh the liberation!

I am really looking forward to finding my balance again; re-connecting with my neglected creativity, harnessing my higher self and soaking in the silence of sunrises and meditation. Oh the thought of all that I desire to do makes me feel such peace!

Here is a quote I found yesterday from my newest blog muse over at the sacred life of rain:

Today I am exactly where I need to be in my one wild and precious life.

And we always are.

Stillness

This moment.
Flowing without resistance.

Lost self,
but in silence I realize I AM always here.
Inwards & within resides the essence of WHO I AM.
All else dissipates, disintegrates, evaporates;
darkness disappears with light shone upon it.

And there I am. Patiently waiting.
Unshakable. Impenetrably still.

A Goddess lives inside.
Unaffected, unconditioned
she waits.

The pushing and pulling;
energies distributed unevenly but,
affected is the external I
unaffected is the internal

Soul soars in silence.

tick tock

Busy has been the essence of my daily life and a break is calling my name. Silence and space to breathe for a moment, paint a picture, do nothing. I'm patient, but I'm restless. Any day now. I can practically hear the ticking of the clock; the countdown to open~ness where my newest journey awaits.

Journey upon journey upon journey I'm finding myself sweeping glossy strokes of colourful paint across the canvas that is my life.

But in the midst of it all, what's really nice, you see, is taking a time out to let the sunbeams rest upon your skin; through the trees, against the breeze.

magic

Intention, focus and patience lead you to places you want to be. The Universe is our medium, guide and support; our bubble for manifestation of infinite realities, possibilities. Visions that transpose into tactile forms that we can see, feel and touch. It is the power of dreaming and free falling that take us to where we want to go.