Twenty Six

Today is my 26th birthday.

I booked today off work, a snowy Tuesday that has turned into heavy, slushy rain; but I spent the entire day listening to a meditation playlist, drinking banana-coconut milk, baking grain-free birthday brownies, blushing over the amount of well wishes, and doing a little bit of reading.

This birthday is the very first birthday out of all of my birthdays where I feel a little bit of discomfort. Usually I am lively and ecstatic on my special day, and I love to celebrate, but this time around the sun I'm feeling a little out of sorts.

My birthday is very close to the holiday season, and my holidays this year were a little somber. I found myself unusually wishing for Christmas to hurry up and be over and for New Years to quickly pass. I am still just processing some big, big stuff, and I'm thankful it is 2017, because 2016 was full to the brim with the difficulty of ending a relationship and the rise of some digestive health issues.

I've been spending a lot of time the past little while working on myself and filling up my pockets with a bounty of positivity in the form of affirmations and things of the like. In fact, my bedroom is stocked with tiny little notes of reassuring and encouraging words to keep me from twirling downward into that scary dark hole of anxiety and horrible thoughts. I must say, I feel really great as a result; I wake each morning telling myself my life is unfolding perfectly, that I can handle anything that comes my way, and that I always know the answers.

Being alone is scary, but it's thrilling. Regardless of what's behind me and what's to come, I am happy, and I'm excited about the future. I trust myself, the path I've walked thus far, and the path that's before me - whatever stones and twigs and roses I find along the way.

Tales

I have to keep reminding myself that I am here, and not there; that it is today and not tomorrow, and that the stories I create are just that: a tale that my mind sings to itself on repeat, stirring a soup of emotions and fibs that do nothing but make my heart sticky and webbed and afraid.

I think I hate not knowing what the future holds, yet I can be so certain and so excited about the mystery of it all. Still, there is an unknown about it; a grey sheet that I can't see through. Thankfully it's up to us to decide what we want to imagine is beyond that sheet. Mostly I have pleasant thoughts; a vibrant imagination and my feet are eager. But I do suppose I am still just a girl with a mind as wild as any other, and I fear just as much as the next person.

Tomorrow I am going to do nothing but notice the sun, or perhaps the clouds before it; I will breathe in the autumn air that sweeps itself around me. I will chop leeks and dice cucumber as though it is the only thing that matters and I will remember that I am simply, simply, right here, right now.

Life Things + A Challenge

a late august backyard bloom.

My life hasn't exactly been easy this year. One of my favourite ways to cope and work through the hard stuff is by writing, so I'm challenging myself to blog every day for the next month. Sometimes I struggle to write if I don't have anything in particular to express, but because my mind is as scrambled as eggs these days, I want to just... write. Anything and everything that my days consist of. Regardless of my posts being bland or not.

This morning, much like yesterday morning, I woke up half an hour before I needed to leave for work. Luckily I work a stones throw away, so I just slipped on stretchy leggings and a striped cotton three-quarter sleeve, made a slightly too-decadent strawberry smoothie with full fat coconut milk, and left.

My drive to work involves a very specific, though-out route: I make a left, a right, a left, a right again; I wait at the lights for an irritatingly long stretch of time, every time; zip down the bus lane and I am there. The most notable part of my drive to work is my intentional avoidance of my ex's house, however.

Work has been busy lately indeed, but the days are fuller and more interesting as a result, and I feel smarter; purposeful.

For dinner I made salmon and zucchini pasta with pesto. Moments after I took my first bite, I received terrible, if not highly frustrating news that if I am faced with only once more, I am going to break and/or punch everything in my general vicinity. This actually did end up happening a small while later when I slammed my bedroom door so hard that a picture fell off the wall and shattered. I sobbed while I listened to my mother quietly sweep up the glass.

She later popped her head in my room to update me on my cousin's two-centimetre cervical dilation. A new baby is on the way.

The frustration and the hurt I've been carrying the past few months is all a very long story, and one that is the core, the root, the guts of my darkness as of late. But all is well, and all will be well.

This too shall pass. An encouraging reminder.

If there's one thing I know right now, it's that I'm craving a getaway. If only to the forest; to a swamp, a river, a pond.

Rise Again

Heaviness is only temporary

the daylight will soon break in.

It's cloudy today. I woke up to pouring rain outside my window and a cat perched on my hip.

It's been just about four months since I've been on my own, and I'm stronger than I've ever been. Still there's a spoonful or two of ache in my heart, and he crosses my mind, but lately, I've been thinking about how incredibly content I feel beneath it all. How grounded and confident I am with where I'm at. I am loving my life.

I was reading through some of my notes from a few years ago on how painfully anxious I was. Timid, afraid, worried, insecure, uncertain. I can't quite pinpoint when or where I blossomed into who I am and what I feel today, right now, these days. At what point did I begin to shrug off the fears and let go of the mind-made stories? Somewhere, I suppose.

My life has been particularly enjoyable knowing that I have been creating a life for myself that I truly wanted; that I've written about and hoped for. Many of my dreams are painting themselves to life, and there are fleeting moments where I feel a surge of clarity, and excitement. It's lots of fun.

Good things have come into my life since I left it all behind. Good things. Solid things. Happiness I can touch and feel, a wholesomeness I've longed for. Even amidst the harder days, the darker days, or the moments where my strength is really being tested, I look up and I get this overwhelming reassurance that everything I have done in my life up until now is leading me exactly where I need to go, exactly where I need to be. And right now, on my own, is just that.

I've developed this attitude where each time I feel guilt or pain, I know that the discomfort only gets easier the more I allow it in. The more I refuse to cave in to the temptation of slipping backwards to some place comfortable and the more I keep stepping forward, the more I grow stronger. It's literally like working your muscles at the gym, except it's your heart and your head. You push yourself toward your goal or what you know is right; there is pain, it is sore, but it eases somehow, and you get better.

Oh, I know,

I'm gonna rise again

Set my sights on where I'm going

and my goodbye's are where I've been.

An Afternoon On My Bed

Silky rain outside my window

plush fur and rolling purrs

nestled by my feet

acoustic guitar

sweet melodies

voices soaked in heart and soul

Trees as still as stone

buds and blooms and beginnings of blossoms

Soft light, late 'noon hue

My feet are cold but

my bed is warm and

it holds me still in

this moment where I

feel peaceful and good.

___

Freedom

The past few days have been such beautiful days. I'm not only referring to the bright sun, the singing birds, the soft rain, or the sound of the wind; but emotionally - I am free.

I'm finally, finally free.

For over two years I put the voice of my spirit on hold. I literally hushed it silent. I kept any of its words to a minimum, prohibited to speak up. And if this doesn't make sense, what I mean is, I consciously told the parts of me that knew the place I was at and the relationship I was in that was wrong, was just fine. I told myself that my fears, concerns, and doubts were petty, insignificant, unimportant, and certainly not worthy of ruining my time spent trying desperately to live a life that was as backwards and upside down as anything I've ever known.

I can say to myself that I should have done something sooner, but everything that was placed in my lap up until this point, right here, right now, is everything I needed in order to grow, and to learn, and to become who I am now and who I'll be in the future. I wouldn't know what I know now if I hadn't treaded through the waters that I did.

And today I feel the heavy cloud held above my head slowly fading away. The weight of it all is gone.

The weight of everything I held inside that ate me alive slowly, slowly.

I'm free.

Stormy

I'm feeling stormy these last few days. Inside I'm thrashing and reluctant. I'm at a place in my life where I'm neither too old nor too young; there's time, lots of time. There's still plenty of opportunity; space to create, things to observe, lessons to learn. Yet, I'm terrified of my right now, of my this moment. I feel like my days are limited and every choice I make is critical to the outcome of my future.

My biggest fear is making the wrong choice. Being unhappy. Living a life that isn't true to me, and yet, knowing it was entirely preventable. Regret, perhaps, permeates my thoughts: the fear of regret, and wishing I could go back to make it all right.

I want to feel so utterly free flowing and connected but I've been so far from it. I feel like I've created two different people within myself: one of them is deep and poetic, introspective and contemplative. Creative, lively; a soft silky scarf and a basket of blooms. This side of me is deeply afraid, constantly questioning, and nothing is ever quite right - right now. The other side of me is hearty and serious, a true camouflage in the cold hearted world that surrounds me. This side of me sees reality, feels reality, and is afraid of living an unrealistic life.

I'll frequently remind myself that everything happens for a reason or everything is meant to be the way that it is. What can I learn from this? What can I learn from this? 

But, sometimes, I wonder if there is no more to learn. Perhaps I know now what I needed to know and there's a new level awaiting me.

Saturday Stroll

It has taken me almost two years to go for a walk in my neighbourhood. When I lived by the lake, I would go for walks on my own regularly. I would think and dream, and feel the breezes waterside. I was introspective back then, deeply introspective, though I was a pretty lost girl I'd say.

Then I moved. And I sort of hibernated in my new space for a time: I just hadn't that inclination to stroll the streets and smell the air and look up at the trees. My backyard, mind you, is a glorious oasis of many a flower and foliage.

Today however I went for a walk. It's an uncomfortable feeling of exposure: here I am, world, I'm coming out for a walk. I had to somewhat force myself to put my shoes on.

The air was chilly, but the sun made it mild. It was windy, and bright, and everything was alive. I walked passed the most bloomed tree I've seen, exploding with pink bursts, showering them on the grass below. I swept past white picket fences, small homes from 50 years ago lining the sidewalk-less streets, and oak trees as tall as the sky.

It was lovely and liberating.

wayside wavering

bedside.

I've been sick, a reminder to stop and breathe and go within. The weather has been cold, damp, windy; naked trees, sullen skies and I've been thinking hard. I do wish I would set myself free from it all but not just yet. I've a path to explore and I'm curious, consciously naive.

As of right now I'm apparently pissed off, or frustrated at the least, mostly at myself, and I'm having trouble letting go. My oracle cards advised me of this very thing: release. It's autumn, letting go is a cardinal theme this time of year just as the trees do. But for myself, now is simply not the time. Maybe it will be maybe it wont, but these things take time and soon enough, carefully, courageously, we submit to our soul's wary words.

My mind is conflicted, as usual, anyone could tell you that, but I yearn for the day I have the strength to end the causes of my wavering ways. Only recently I understood my need for alone as I've been deprived of it and constantly poked and prodded at for some time now. I've been frustrated. I've vaguely acknowledged my need for more soul work but the heart hardly wins when the head is dabbling elsewhere. I sort of let that part of me go by the wayside and instead let myself be manipulated by my very own fears. I'm beginning to gather that perhaps sometimes what we need is a catalyst; something to catapult us in the right direction, and a lot of the time this process involves pain. Welcoming such things with open arms is an ever-elusive act but it's necessary nonetheless.

found

Found Self,

magic erupts with a peaceful mind

heart ever-expanding

ever-lasting knowing...

fear escapes, inhabiting a new world

love is found within and

freedom downpours

bound by the sky

a limitless flight.

I've been so indecisive. I've thought I've known the answer, and then I have no idea. It's the realness that frightens me yet all she is, is freedom. Abundant offerings are found along the path of Truth.

I guess throughout the winter I did lose track of parts of me. A readily influenced, timid chameleon. All the busyness has left me dazed and docile. Fear has been holding hands tightly with Ego and one foot in front of the other they lead except, their destination is a foreign land.

The trees whisper clarity and paint me with answers. The stillness is freeing and the frozen winter is literally a frozen standstill.

A found self is reclaimed amidst peace. Peace is found in silence. Silence is found in stillness. Stillness is found in  us.

Wisdom lies beneath

and he's terribly patient.

2013: A Sacred, Solitary Celebration

Last night for the first time I had the most healing, sacred and solitary New Year ceremony. I cancelled all of  my original plans with friends to sit with myself and celebrate the reining in of 2013 alone. 

I didn't have any particular plans or agenda on exactly how I would carry out this little ritual, but I knew it would include a few of my dearly cherished trinkets: oracle cards to provide me with inspiration and insights for the new year; tingcha bells to clear old energies; my pendulum to guide me; my new 2013 calendar for focus; my yoga mat for grounding; beeswax candles conscientiously placed around my room for cleansing and light, and myself: lotus pose for breathing, a quiet mind for being.

Ten minutes to midnight, I rang the bells above my cards. Shuffling them I asked what it is I need to know for this year... and so it is: purification, meditation.

And so I wrote, notepad and pen in hand:
2 minutes to midnight
2 things I intend

breathe
be.

The clock turned 11:59 and I peered around myself, my little circle of healing, taking in these last few moments of 2012. I always get a bit nervous toward the last moments of the year, there's a feeling of farewell.

I closed my eyes. Clock struck midnight. Without me having to check the time, I breathed in as I heard my mother, her boyfriend and my brother cheer from downstairs. Abruptly and unexpectedly, I wept. I had this overwhelming emotion wash over me of joy or relief I don't quite know, but the awareness of a passing year that was very trying for me quite literally moved me to tears.

Happy New Year, 2013. This is my year for mindfully breathing, being and healing.

Lessons & Release

I went for a walk yesterday afternoon. Stood on a breezy cliff, sat on a field. It was mild for a December day. The sunny sun beamed as the wind seeped down my neck, beneath my heavy parka.

Patience, strength, release. I feel as though life has been speaking to me through lessons, weaving its cosmic words through the fabric of my existence.

A plethora of emotion, strange events, negative energy and healing has been at the forefront of my days. I see it all as major, monumental lessons. It's funny that so much internal darkness is being brought into the light; there is major shifting occurring in my life as is with others.

Acknowledging and releasing much of the dormant, lingering negative energy that has been residing inside of me has been in the limelight, so to speak. It's seemingly befitting for the magical yet nonsensical happenings of these very days. Lots of my healing lately has been with the help of my dear kindreds, as well as alone in sweet solitude. Writing, speaking out loud to my Higher Self and some magical emotional freedom technique have been my allies. Still though, I am allowing myself the space and time to process and marinate in all of the changes around me as I prepare for 2013's new beginning just around the corner. Oh how I am eager to write about my wretched year of 2012! Fun indeed! But in all honesty, I am very ready to start anew...

I think I should transfer all of my poetry and blog posts over from my Free Spirit Journal to here, so that I have it all in one place. Operating two blogs makes me feel messy and uneasy.

Pendulums, Incense & Connectedness

Yesterday I went out to my favourite place ever, Odyssey, a metaphysical shop. My intention was to get a new pendulum, in which I found very successfully and with great joy. I feel a lot of energy in my hands and felt very drawn to the lepidolite pendulum I scouted out after scanning the wall scattered with dangling gems and crystals. I was overjoyed indeed!

Lepidolite is very pretty, lavender-esque, and represents the Third Eye and Crown chakras.

I also picked up some incense – Sage, Cedar & Sweetgrass – along with a small sage candle. Sage is often used for the clearing and cleansing of energies. It’s very purifying indeed and the combination of incense I got smell absolutelydivine! When I got home, I infused myself in it all and warped into a space of calm, grounded centeredness. I felt SO very connected. To myself, my Higher Self, to Source, to that space inside of us that is ever-so-calm and free and true and at peace. You know that place?

I think one of the best things we can do is spend time by ourselves. Embrace solitude. Explore ourselves introspectively. It is through the beauty of solitude that we discover, transform, reflect, learn, unravel, release and become.

Fear, Fearlessness, Careers, Authenticity.

I took a solo trip downtown Toronto yesterday afternoon to the CHFA East, a natural health and organics trade show hosted at the ginormous Metro Toronto Convention Center. It was nice, being surrounded by that which I salute. I felt independent, busy. I got free stuff. I equally felt little and young. I was, after all, told the other day for a third time that I appear to be the age of twelve. Twelve...? Hm. I grimace at these such remarks only half-seriously, for I am rather content with my apparent youthful disposition, though feel an irking when I'm told upon repetition that I resemble that of a child. It runs in the family. I also happen to be on the shorter end of the five-foot-somethings.

So I've been thinkin' lately. Ultimately it stems from a deep underlying intuitive feeling and knowing of my place in this world. This is something that I have been dealing with and have needed to work through.

I am wholeheartedly, passionately and happily in alignment with my love and pursuance in the field of holistic health and nutrition. Holistic living is my CORE. This is not the issue. What I'm really referring to here is my natural and automatic withdrawal and resistance to anything that makes me feel boxed in. Hmmm... let me explain:

For myself as a Holistic Nutritionist, I am not merely a nutritionist. I am girl with a plethora of passionate interests in which I plan to pursue, without a doubt. When I envision my future, it is not merely comprised of telling people to eat more carrots. Yes, I want people to eat more carrots and I will forever encourage nutrition, but I am feeling utterly inspired as of two days ago to explain here on my blog my own personal place as a writer, a creative expressionist, someone who loves eating and promoting the consumption of wholesome foods (a.k.a nutritionist), a painter, a photograph-taking-lover, someone who enjoys spiritual ventures and musings, a philosopher, a cosmic-enthusiast, and as a girl. 

My fundamental point here is that I have been desperately yearning for the ability and permission to be wholly authentic, in myself and in my business. I want to display, promote and express a whole assortment of things, not linearly or exclusively one thing. When I say "permission" I am indeed referring to this apparent fearfulness and need within myself to have approval and reassurance from others. Reassurance from society perhaps, that I can and will succeed in this world as an authentic woman who stands true to her morals and beliefs. I realize society will certainly not provide me with the approval I seek. So I am giving myself permission. Right here, right now. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.

I see people that make livings through carrying out a variety of different jobs that are authentic to who they are. Creative writers that are doulas and yoga instructors and musical teachers and farmers and photographers and bloggers, all combined. Seeing people who live this way inspires me tremendously, for it is that which is precisely my desire. To live a versatile life. A simple life. My at times depressingly disapproved stance on nearly all things I am aware of in this society leads me to an inherent need to flee from it all and remember who and what I am as a human being.

So, once again, my fundamental point is really that I am not interested whatsoever in just expressing merely nutrition as part of my role as a Holistic Nutritionist; as part of my "career". As part of what I'd like to offer others. As part of what I'd like to talk about, write about, blog about, educate others about. I have opinions, beliefs, ideas, philosophies and knowledge that I simply cannot refrain from expressing to solely please some invisible standard and thereby sacrifice who I am. I am a nutritionist, but not only that. I am only at the very beginning of my journey of blossoming.

For what it's worth, here is a list of a few things I intend and absolutely plan to pursue. This is a confirmation for the Universe to allow it to manifest, of course!:

• Yoga Instructor certification (in India, preferably)
• Take part in some sort of art course/retreat (painting, drawing, sculpting, etc.) for several weeks far away, up north, away from city life.
• Take a course in Energy Medicine
• Take a Reiki course
• Take a course in metaphysical sciences
• Become a doula (once I've experienced NATURAL childbirth and have become a parent myself. I've always been fascinatingly interested in the human body, the female body. The magnificence of it all. Long story short, I've become obsessed with and intrigued by pregnancy lately).
• Travel the world.
• Live in a cob house.
• Live in British Columbia. Or Norway. Or Switzerland.

Journals & Synchronicity

Writing has always been a big part of my life. Ever since I was very young I've always had diaries and journals; scrap pieces of paper were always put to use with doodles and poetry. When it comes to finding my equilibrium, I recharge through solitude. I cocoon myself into a world of introspection and creative expression. Writing (as well as art) is a form of release for me: an outlet for my plethora of thoughts, feelings, questions, answers, ideas, imaginations, explanations, fears and joys. It's important for us to connect with that which brings us harmony and fulfillment.

I go through about two journals per year. I just finished my last one and so really wanted to treat myself to something special as the past year of my life has been quite intense - I wanted one to represent my new beginning. I've been going through a re-birth of sorts and it has been magical to say the least. To put it simply, I've just been wonder-struck at the power of dreams, intentions and manifestation.

What really blew me away though the other night after I purchased my new journal was the meaning behind it in which I discovered on the sticker attached to it. It wrote:

Almond Blossom Journal
Happiness: it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort. - Vincent Van Gogh
~ Symbolizing new, invigorating, budding life, Vincent Van Gogh's Branch of an Almond Tree in Blossom inspires our creative souls to bloom.

Ah, synchronicity. My life has been full of nothing short of *newness*, *invigoration*, *budding* and *achievement*. I can very well correlate the stage of my life to that of a blossom. The meaning behind the artwork on the cover of this journal really couldn't have been any more fitting. I do believe that when we are in alignment with our joys and our highest good everything falls into place, and a lot of times it is confirmed via synchronistic events.

a mundane blog post about books

Cardinal on the fence in my backyard

These days I have been feeling very drawn to books. I decided a few weeks ago that I really want to start reading a lot more to open my mind and expand my vocabulary. I was talking to a fellow I work with whom I am always able to carry out diverse conversations with during our breaks, usually on the topics of history, anthropology and philosophy. I always like hearing his thoughts on religion. Kindred spirits are hard to come by, currently in my tangible life, though I always seem to be able to attract some sort of spiritual nut into my life when I am otherwise amidst those of the conservative type. He is a peculiar, exceedingly polite History-turned-Anthropology major who usually arrives at work with a book in hand and is always enthusiastic about discussing his current read. I knew he was just the one to ask about where I should begin in terms of reading. His words of wisdom were to just start with anything. One of his recommendations was Anthem by Ayn Rand. His synopsis of it  intrigued me and I will be sure to check it out.

Though I recently finished reading A Walk to Remember I can't say I found it exceptionally enjoyable though I always liked the movie version. The writing style was a bit loose and adolescent but I am on to another novel which is actually a non-fictional memoir based on betrayal and renewal and I am enjoying this one very much so.

I believe my favourite component of reading is the transcendence through imagination and literally slipping away into another world for a while.

in my world

Lounging about my room
listening to Elton John
like last night as I lay on my bed
disloyal lamp left me singing in the darkness
more free than before
and Nick Drake is a new favourite,
oh how I love acoustic guitar and soul-soaked voices

What a Day for a Daydream ~

Solitude and Sigur Rós combined make me want to cry. Their music centers me in a way that only some things can.

I'm feeling so centered right now. Solitude is one component of who I am that is so freeing for me. It is space for me to gather myself while at the same time unleashing everything that is contained within the corners of my soul. My journal and thick binder packed full with an assortment of thoughts, experiences and feelings in the form of pen on paper is where I go to release. The head-space that I'm in when I am writing, drawing, painting or simply just allowing my inner-essence to flow is a kind of secret sanctuary. Nobody knows this place but myself. I can go to this hidden space and be free of judgement.
I have years and years worth of chronicled joy, pain and more pain, personal experiences, doubts, anxieties and excitement all concealed within this space. It is literally like a plunge pool, where my plethora of thoughts spill like a waterfall.
And when I'm in this space I am lounged out on my floor, centered and content, often feeling overwhelmed with abundance and love. Just the simple sensation of mentally releasing while at the same time being able to salvage some really interesting concepts or unintentional poetry.
Although it is a space of total confinement, it's at the same time a limitless space of introspection, mind-exploration and boundless musings.

The perfect setting for a free spirit.