Nothingness

Let it die
Solemn words erupt from the speakers of my phone, appropriately,
sitting next to me
by two glasses of water
an old lamp
and a box of tissues

Nothing grounds me more than writing does
a place I go when I need therapy
like hot water boiling over
making a mess
rushing over to take it off the stove.

These days I am listless
nothing really makes sense
I'm either lost in a short-lived crying spell
or consumed by subtle bouts of fear
of what ensues from periods of deliberate nothingness.

Nothingness being my current plan of action
To shift from a state of everythingness, big and bright,
to a partly intentional sheet of grey
a canvas perhaps, white and blank
with a few streaks of pink or purple
it's not all un-lively, you know.

But the truth is that it's very hard to be a habitual non-stopper
an addict of achievement
a chronic over-thinker
a frenetic go-getter
and force yourself to slow things down.

It's hardly forcing, though, when you simply become incapable of things
It's more of a rewiring of sorts
a re-evaluation of ways
a set of questions you begin to ask
seeking answers from places you've never been.

I'm tip-toeing carefully
walking forwards and backwards at the same time
I feel like a zamboni driver
resurfacing all the scratches
the places that need smoothing
a little bit of care
attention to detail
a revitalization of passions left behind in the pursuit of success
a redefining of what makes me truly happy
in the first place.

Hills And Stones

___

Do you ever wish that you could have a peek into your future?

just a glimpse,

just one curious eye through a keyhole

just one sense of the road ahead

of what's to come

of what's to tread

At the very least, we can be content knowing

the future will unravel seamlessly;

it will be velvety like the moon on the water and

the hardships will be overcome

like hills and like stones 

they will be subdued and

harmony will prevail if

we follow the song

of our soul

and the words

from

within

___

found

Found Self,

magic erupts with a peaceful mind

heart ever-expanding

ever-lasting knowing...

fear escapes, inhabiting a new world

love is found within and

freedom downpours

bound by the sky

a limitless flight.

I've been so indecisive. I've thought I've known the answer, and then I have no idea. It's the realness that frightens me yet all she is, is freedom. Abundant offerings are found along the path of Truth.

I guess throughout the winter I did lose track of parts of me. A readily influenced, timid chameleon. All the busyness has left me dazed and docile. Fear has been holding hands tightly with Ego and one foot in front of the other they lead except, their destination is a foreign land.

The trees whisper clarity and paint me with answers. The stillness is freeing and the frozen winter is literally a frozen standstill.

A found self is reclaimed amidst peace. Peace is found in silence. Silence is found in stillness. Stillness is found in  us.

Wisdom lies beneath

and he's terribly patient.

carousel

I've made a mess but there's a freedom that I feel
there's something exquisite about the chaos
the spaciousness between the clutter
we're never really without;
curious and trembling
a wandering mind thinking too hard
guilt-laden
sopping with uncertainty
a carousel.

ground

"You've got your passion, you've got your pride, but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?"

It seems as though I am easily influenced. Easily inspired, easily envious, easily uncertain.

"Humph."

Imagine scrunched face. Hands on hips. A four year old stubbornly unwilling to get up. I fall through dozens of rabbit holes, floating by the fascinating, bizarre perplexities of what's before me. Interesting. And so I speculate my situation. What is it that I want? I question, question, question as the uncertainty and indecisiveness thickens. I gulp, recalling the thunderstorm of questioning my ability and permit to be authentic. Am I... allowed? The sneaky, sassy Should's stroll along, tip-toeing into my world. I think they leave a sticky residue. I've tried and tried and tried to do it their way. But I fumble.

I think I am just still gathering. I've got my wicker basket on my arm as I meander through the willow fields of things; plucking dandelion fluffs, fragrant daisies and anything else I find of interest along the way. I'm settling in to the comforting knowing of where I'm at along mt path. Discovering myself, shaping myself, finding my ground; remembering who and what inspires me, feeds me encouragement, motivation and confidence; remembering what feels good and right in my skin; collaborating it all into one reservoir.

I just want to be me and allow life to unfold and flourish as it may.

Solitary Space

Deep within there's a land of contemplation
limitless exploration
an archive of perception
a folder full of stories
awaiting realization

Last night I danced. Do you know the song Vienna by Billy Joel? I danced to that. That song reminds me so much of myself and my crazily rushed and impatient yet ambitious attitude.

"Slow down you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile but then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?"

I am so many things. I'm an enthusiastic lover of life as well as a bottle of emotion, restlessness and worry. I think a lot. It felt so good to just let go and frolic about my own little world of free form flow and a mind full of nothing but the sound orchestrating my bones. I evaporate into a mist of healing when I'm in my solitary space. I threw my legs up into Viparita Karani and listened to the pleasant hum of Dallas Green's acoustic soul.

"Slow down you crazy child and take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while. It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two."

paths

And so she said,

"Living in the present moment!"

"Yes," I thought, "that's how it should be."

Indecisiveness. What happens when we want to go one way, but want to go another way, too. Or, we don't know which way to go altogether.

"Which way?" We ask ourselves.
"That way." We respond.
"But what if that way isn't the right way?" We ask again.

And so we sit. Silently. Intermittent frustration. Intermittent certainty. Waiting for guidance. Sometimes we just wish someone would simply tell us the answer. You see, then we'd know which way to go.

Answers do flow freely from us, our internal wisdom, though it often goes unnoticed. Fear has a strong grip, or so it seems.

Everything is a journey!

change

These days I've felt incredible urges to change things in my life. I want something different, I want something new. I feel like doing something. Painting my bedroom, rearranging my furniture, cutting my hair. I seem to go through these phases at certain times of the year (must be a seasonal thing). I feel like I'm an onion lately, peeling away at layers. Unraveling and unveiling pieces of myself that have been repressed and have needed to shine through.

Ever since I was about 13 I've wanted my nose pierced. I've thought over it through the years and always resonated with them. Last night after ruminating over it for a good 30 minutes I just grabbed my car keys and left to the tattoo parlor. Wee!

It hurt a lot. Some swearing happened. But, only momentarily.

Bangs, etc.

I got me some bangs last week. Was a result of my realizing I am where I am now, I am not in the future. Long story. Either way, I grabbed my pair of scissors and chopped 'em off. I had bangs for years and was always in love with them, though decided to begin growing them out last summer and found myself ever since wishing them back!

Autumn e s q u e

today.

Happy September! I went for a stroll by the lake this afternoon with my brother. All around me were the teasings of fall. Red & orange hued leaves are beginning to rest on the Earth's floor. Not quite yet, but very soon, I'll be enveloped in my very favourite season. I cannot put into words enough just how much I resonate with the fall. I'm not a sweltering-heat summer girl nor am I a fan of the blistering cold winters. I like the in-betweens. The breezes and enchantment of release in the autumn~time and the birth & blossom of the spring. I could express myself poetically for eternity about how such a time of year makes me feel. I cannot wait for the landscape of fall to really paint itself in the coming weeks, it is then that I will write with such wonder and awe.

Today's affirmation:

I trust my inner wisdom. I trust the information that I receive from my deeper resources and intuition.

Expression, Fall, Camping & Magic

I'm feeling particularly creative right now and really feel like writing. As I have mentioned here and elsewhere, my life has been the quintessence of change. I got lost a wee bit (more than once), but particularly in the process of opening my website - deciding what goes where, what posts should be shared at what location, losing touch with what feels right and authentic for me. This blog is very dear to my heart. I never thought it would become as such, but it has become quite meaningful. Sentimental. Special. Free Spirit Journal represents all of me; a safe vessel where I have allowed myself to free-flow creatively.

Anyways, what I am trying to say is that along my adventure into the world of website-owning, I didn't know what to do with this blog. Would I just neglect it? How would I utilize it? How should I continue to share? It was making me feel uneasy. All I know is that ultimately, continuing with this blog the way I always have is exactly what I want to do and makes me feel nice.

I wanted to share three things today. The fall, camping, and magic.

These days now I can really sense that autumn-like air. That September-esque vibe. And quite frankly, I like it. The fall is my very favourite season and for good reason. Cool, windy, brisk air. Red, orange, yellow leaves. Jackets. Boots. Scarves. Hats. Walks. Sidewalks. There's just simply a very characteristic feel about that time of year. Words can't quite describe. Feeling is the language of the Universe, after all ;-) I'm just really looking forward to it.

I got back yesterday from a weekend of camping up north in Huntsville, Ontario. I love nature, of course I was excited. I couldn't wait to be amongst trees and oxygen. I'm a forest fairy (people call me that anyway), I really relish in and resonate with the energies of trees, moss and earth. I'm also a Capricorn, an Earth element. A mountain goat. I like groundedness (but don't be fooled - I am a fairy after all!)

The weekend turned out to be 100% rain. I like to think of myself as a pretty optimistic person; before we left when the weatherman was calling for rain all weekend I was still feeling pretty nonchalant and even excited about prancing around in misty forest air. Ultimately I knew a lesson would be learned by the end of it, if anything.

No. Couldn't fool myself. It was awful. It wasn't even innocent, harmless rain that came and went. It was just perpetual showers with intermittent down-pours and thunder. Everything was wet, damp, moist, sticky. By the end of it we just laughed at how ridiculous the situation became. It only got worse, but more comical. However, I was still able to find a few moments of awe at the beauty of dewy, misty trees like the second picture shown. I wasn't going a whole 3 hours north without closing my eyes and breathing in the beauty of everything. It was so green!

I lastly just wanted to share a little tidbit of my day today. I went to one of my favourite metaphysical shops today. Every time I'm in there I'm always so overwhelmed. Too interested in everything I see so it's hard to focus on one thing at a time. Trinkets are everywhere, books, candles, incense, crystals, gemstones. I got a little "Magic" star that I'm going to keep in my wallet. It very particularly stood out for me because "magic" seems to me my word of choice for most things I describe. I just say it a lot for some reason. It represents everything in life - everything is just... magic. :)

Meg

Journals & Synchronicity

Writing has always been a big part of my life. Ever since I was very young I've always had diaries and journals; scrap pieces of paper were always put to use with doodles and poetry. When it comes to finding my equilibrium, I recharge through solitude. I cocoon myself into a world of introspection and creative expression. Writing (as well as art) is a form of release for me: an outlet for my plethora of thoughts, feelings, questions, answers, ideas, imaginations, explanations, fears and joys. It's important for us to connect with that which brings us harmony and fulfillment.

I go through about two journals per year. I just finished my last one and so really wanted to treat myself to something special as the past year of my life has been quite intense - I wanted one to represent my new beginning. I've been going through a re-birth of sorts and it has been magical to say the least. To put it simply, I've just been wonder-struck at the power of dreams, intentions and manifestation.

What really blew me away though the other night after I purchased my new journal was the meaning behind it in which I discovered on the sticker attached to it. It wrote:

Almond Blossom Journal
Happiness: it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort. - Vincent Van Gogh
~ Symbolizing new, invigorating, budding life, Vincent Van Gogh's Branch of an Almond Tree in Blossom inspires our creative souls to bloom.

Ah, synchronicity. My life has been full of nothing short of *newness*, *invigoration*, *budding* and *achievement*. I can very well correlate the stage of my life to that of a blossom. The meaning behind the artwork on the cover of this journal really couldn't have been any more fitting. I do believe that when we are in alignment with our joys and our highest good everything falls into place, and a lot of times it is confirmed via synchronistic events.

Brilliant Expression

Today is October. October reminds me of orange and yellow and amber and crisp air and scarves. Each time a new month arrives I am always excited. Excited for newness, for freshness, for the untouched future. And I love changing my calendar. I have been so busy the past couple of weeks that I didn't even know the new month arrived. What will October bring?

I feel as though I am bursting with brilliance and overflowing with creative ideas and dreams. I am yearning for a trip to one of my favourite shops called Odyssey. When I'm in there I am overwhelmed with beautiful curiosity and an intriguing sense of adoration. Books and jewelry and incents and candles and gemstones and Buddha. Psychics and crafties and creation. All I want to do is dive in. Touch and read and discover. When I get paid I'm splurging. (I've never been to a psychic before - I'll go when the time feels right)

I love things. I love knick-knacks and doodlies of all sorts. I love the thrift store. I am by no means an advocate for superficial ideals. I thrive upon allowing yourself to be. To be you. To just absorb who you are and to never strive to be anything otherwise. There is only you.

I feel like I am so young and I can't wait to build up a collection of cherished goods throughout the journey of my life.

Art and the Art of Being You

When I paint I lose sense of my surroundings and I just embrace myself in the experience. The feeling of stroking paint across canvas and blending colours together is much like a massage for my mind and eyes. It's frustrating and discouraging when you can't get it right, but there are no words to describe the feeling when you step back and take a look at what you have created.

Art fulfills in me a sense of freedom.  A sense of who I am in the deepest inner layers of myself. I have been artistic my entire life and I never want to lose touch of that foundation.

As I have gotten older I have been able to express the artistic side of me in various different areas of my life. I think I always have had a rather different perspective on things than a lot of people, but it hasn't always surfaced. Only my life in the past year have I really begun to define myself and explode with passion in every direction.

I think it is so imperative for everybody to discover themselves and to be their own individual and to not step into the wild world of conforming or living up to some silly idealistic, societal standard. I don't know how innocently discussing my art has turned into this discussion, but, there are so very many societies and standards and rules around this world that we ought to remember who we are and what we want, need and deserve as our own person. Let's just do what makes us happy, hm?