Thoughts on a Friday

Before me is my bedroom window, just above my desk. It's about eight o'clock and the sun is setting, although the sky is so pale with mist that you can't quite tell.

I have my window open and outside I hear small birds, cars passing by on the street below, leftover droplets of a day drenched with rain; the air is sparkling with tiny beads of water and the grass is far more luscious than you'd think.

I love this time of year. Each time I breathe in the spring air I swear I am healed. I stepped out into my backyard about an hour ago, the sky still falling, puddles left and right and the ground a miniature marshland. I stood there for a few moments, absolutely enjoying the rain.

____

These days I feel eager: so often I'm cooped up in my room working on projects tirelessly, moving forward, swirling to and from work, designing my days; all things I do I do with intention, mostly, and truly I do. I have a plan, or an outline, perhaps, for how I'd like things to unfold, but yet I am also just taking small steps each morning that I wake and mostly I'm just in a state of allowing what's to be and what has already been.

Allowing is a most beautiful state to be in. There is nothing more freeing than allowing: to me this is open arms, open eyes, most definitely an open heart, but more than anything it is accepting at the very same time. Being open to challenges, open to opportunities, accepting of hardships, accepting of accomplishments. The path of least resistance.

At the same time though, might I add, there is an element that is just as importance as sitting back and allowing, and that's doing, too. Getting up and making it happen. Whatever it is. That's what I've been so eager about lately, continuing to create for myself what it is that I feel I'm lacking around me. Never do we need to feel stuck or trapped in one way of living or doing or being, because we are the designers of our world, and this is as thrilling as can be. Even more thrilling is the idea of allowing the outcomes of things, a no-expectation way of living, you know?

Just some thoughts on a Friday.

Morning Light

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Outside it's quiet and grey, my blinds still drawn, a cat at my feet, and I'm nestled under three layers: cotton, flannel, and a quilt. There are four pillows on my bed and my head rests somewhere between them.

I roll over once, maybe twice, and I peer at my fish across the room swirling gently 'round his bowl. I sit up. I reach across the bed to the window beside me, and I let the light in.

That's my most favourite part of the morning: letting the light in. There's something about morning light, something I don't have a word for.

I think for a moment; occasionally I will open my journal and write a few words, otherwise, I stand up and make my way down the old wooden staircase that creaks loudly. Another opportunity for morning light: the curtains above the kitchen sink are closed. I open them, and the trees in the backyard are awake, the birds are alive, and there are rabbits.

The icy breeze outside prompts me to turn the kettle on. A mug, a teabag, and a seat at the table while I plan my day ahead.

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Home

__

The earth is alive

all around there is singing

the voices of chickadees

a robin

a stream of water

The glowing silhouette of tiny insects

flutter before the setting sun

they all have a place to be

I wonder where they go

I wonder what they do

I wonder what they see.

The orange sun falls lower in the sky;

and just above the fence it greets me

a good evening

a good night

It's bright and satiating and

fills my thirsty body with light

I breathe in

the world around me smells so green;

the grass is dewy

the ground is soft

and beneath the lilac tree

somehow I'm home. 

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Hills And Stones

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Do you ever wish that you could have a peek into your future?

just a glimpse,

just one curious eye through a keyhole

just one sense of the road ahead

of what's to come

of what's to tread

At the very least, we can be content knowing

the future will unravel seamlessly;

it will be velvety like the moon on the water and

the hardships will be overcome

like hills and like stones 

they will be subdued and

harmony will prevail if

we follow the song

of our soul

and the words

from

within

___

bloom

Tonight, I'm happy.

I'm content. And I'm contemplative, inspired, safe.

I'm thinking about my life, actually, and time, and where it has all gone, and where it will take me. I'm thinking about where I have been, what I have done, and where I am. I remember so clearly just like it was yesterday all of the things that changed in my life so suddenly, four years ago. I remember the awakening, the re-birth; the unshakable me, the trembling me, the righteousness, the holding on, the letting go, the allowing, the grace of it all.

In retrospect, I see how I was so... innocent.

But so courageous. And eager. So, so eager. So inspired and relentless and I see now how I have changed, how I have softened, and let things in. So much can and does change but my heart still carries those same dreams. They are etched into my being. They are who I am, and what I live for every single day. They are what bring me the peace I seek when I am alone, they are what rise to the surface when I am lit up and swollen with inspiration; they are what make me smile and say "yes, this is what I want."

I just wonder where the years have gone. One moment they're in the palm of your hand and the next they're mist and veiled. One moment you're something and the next you're something else. Times change, they do. But even beneath the deep there is still just a girl and I am still the same, but I am so different.

And tonight, I'm feeling like a bloom; like the springtime that is by my side; like the rain feeding the earth, and the green below my feet, and the dew on the morning grass, and the breath I take when peace overwhelms me. Lately I have been reminded of what I want most in my life and it makes me feel euphoric, exhilarated, blissful, surreal. I think because for a long while there has been perhaps a disconnect, an unplugging of sorts, and you lose touch. For that I blame the cold and hardened winter months. I'm beginning to thaw.

This morning I walked outside into the misty morning sun, and it was quiet, and there were birds, and I felt the breeze and it has been so long, so long of a winter.

Wonder

Today was just one of those mornings. One of those wonderful, wonderland mornings. Outside, a land, a place full of wonderful things. I awoke dazzled by the snowflakes dancing outside my window and without hesitation threw on my warm winter coat and meandered through Narnia.

Last night my mom asked to speak with me. Inspired, she elaborated on her newest musings on the topic of presence. Living in the moment. That ever-elusive concept in today's world of really being here, of embodying the Now. Myself being someone who has always struggled with attention and being distracted easily, I think about today's technologically-driven world. I think about the distractions so potent around us and the lack of focus, mindfulness and awareness as a result. 

As she  spoke so eloquently, I sat. I felt my presence deepen as I listened and remembered the value you receive when you are fully and wholeheartedly present.

She began telling me about a poem of people who lived their lives constantly waiting for the future, always waiting for happiness once this happens, after that happens. And then they're dying. I think about how I have been living my life lately in this way, so consumed by the future. Goals, plans, dreams, visions, excitements - it's all wondrous and perfect but it's important not to let them take you away from the beauty of life now. I remember that part of my journey that I somewhat lost touch with; how it feels to truly be in the moment, to genuinely see the beauty around, to be fully fascinated by the wonders of what already is. Today on my magical snowy walk, it is this that I embraced. 

When I sense my life passing before me, I know it's time to slow down. I've made a post on this before and I will again, but I find it particularly life-changing to wake up early, preferably with the sunrise. Days feel fuller, longer, slower.

Time for me to bring out some Eckhart Tolle. Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about. It's all about the Power of Now.

On another note, after I returned home from my walk in a winter wonderland I made a giant, delicious, wholesome smoothie consisting of 2 bananas, frozen peaches, mangoes, strawberries and raspberries, vanilla almond milk, hemp, wheatgrass and spinach. Delight!

I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes from The Power of Now:

"Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now."

Quarrel

Chilly afternoon on the backyard grass yesterday

I sit and ponder
words to describe the passings before my eyes
around me, within me,
I listen.
Everything appears as scrambled as eggs,
yet perfect and orderly,
the Universe orchestrates its string quartet
and I allow it to be
the troublesome antics of life's little ways
offering quarrels between my heart and my head
but I trust
for trust is flow
so I allow it,
as I sit and ponder
words to describe the passings before my eyes.

perpetual transmutation

You know what's funny?
How things change.

And it's constant, too. Nothing is ever the same! This constant flow of perpetual transformation and transmutation blows my mind.

But there's something beautiful about it. And perplexing at the same time. Although, it seems, much of the change that we anticipate is of the future; of mental constructs like bricks building upon one another of un-manifested, intangible realities that really are non-existent. One minute the jigsaw was fit one way and the next minute it's a totally different puzzle. So, you see, in this way we can assume not to grasp on so tightly to our various preconceptions.

Am I making sense?

Think about it this way. Just one infinitesimal rearrangement of happenings and the whole cascade of forthcoming events is altered. It's crazy.

I do believe I'm unintentionally referring to the chaos theory.

But even completely unrelated to that sort of butterfly effect, I'm referring to how our plans change with just the flick of a switch. Something that effects us, changes our mind or shifts our perspective and ultimately alters the paths we're on.

This makes me think about how we design every single moment in whichever way we choose.

soulfully close

The gray sky melted into the water as
I sat by the lake today and
lost myself in thought
about the Oneness of all that is and
I felt captivated by the elements as
I studied some crystallized rocks and
smooth stones and shiny gems
in the sand below my feet and
I walked right up to the shore and
it felt like I've never been so soulfully close
to water in my life and
the dull peering sun dropped sparkles on the waves
and I felt illuminated by the view.

moon shine

~the moon tonight

moonshine
illuminating the periwinkle skies
as the dusk rolls in
painting a picture
for my eyes,
bright pearl in celestial bliss
I could sit and stare
daydreams for company.

Life, Death and Battlestar Galactica

My brother got me into the series Battlestar Galactica yesterday and since then I've watched a bunch of episodes and some mini-series movie and I like it so much!
It really gets me thinking a lot about this universe (obviously, since it takes place in space) but also death; there's a lot of dying involved and sacrifice and it makes me think so much about this life we live and how vast this world is all that mind boggling stuff.

I sometimes think about how we have such a tiny lifespan and then it will all be over. Isn't it so strange to think about? I suppose we push that to the very backs of our minds a majority of the time, but if you really think about it, everything you know now will not exist at some point. How depressing, but how interesting! Everyone and everything we ever live for is just gone in an instant. All this solidifies in me the importance of living in the best way we can, do what makes us happiest, and most of all to not worry (or complain) so much! Unless of course reincarnation is an option, which I may or may not believe in - my belief in reincarnation stems from a question I've always seeked an answer to: If we can be created and have a life, how come we can't be created and live again? I just so deeply wonder how we are all only alive because our parents created us, but can't we be created some other time? (I've also wondered why can't we have multiple lives at once??? Gosh these questions are too abstract to be coherent).

One of the characters in the show is diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm pretty sure I'm a bit much of a hypochondriac and in fact getting cancer is one of my top biggest fears. I just worry sometimes so much about - not only if that headache or that pain is some deadly disease developing - but dying at an early age and missing out on all the life that would be left to live and be apart of. I think death scares me a lot. But that's besides the point. All I know is that we've ended up with a life so we might as well live in the happiest, healthiest, vivacious and fulfilling ways possible.

Anyway, live long and prosper!