Patience

It's December 1st and I've already chosen my 'word' for 2020, something I always like to choose for each new year to represent what I'd like to (try to) embody.

My word for 2020 is patience. I wouldn't be surprised if I've chosen it before.

Patience is something I've admittedly lacked for most of my life. If I'm not where I want to be or if I don't have what I want, an uneasiness bubbles inside of me.

Yet patience teaches us to be still, to be present, and to be content with what is happening in front of us. There's an element of living in the now when we're patient, an element of being okay with what is while we dream our little dreams and work towards them.

I'm a dreamer, it's true, and it's a good thing. It's a powerful thing. When we focus our energy on the things we want to achieve, we're able to take ourselves to bigger and better places. But when we fixate on those things -- seeing them and them only -- we become frustrated. Impatient one might say. The dreams look all too appealing, too good to resist, and seemingly superior to our life right now.

I have human moments just like any other. I want all the things, too:

When I was single, I couldn't wait to have a boyfriend. When I lived at home, I couldn't wait to have my own place. When I lived in the suburbs, I couldn't wait to live downtown someday. When I had debt, I couldn't wait to pay it all off.

And then I got all those things, and now I can't wait for other things like buying a house, getting a dog, getting married or having kids.

Of course though we can wait, and in fact, waiting for our desires to come to fruition at the right time (when we're better prepared, have more savings for a down payment, etc.) makes them 100x more rewarding once we have them.

There's nothing worse than the feeling of rushing in to something, such as a purchase or a decision,  only to feel like it would have been way better to just wait.

If I let myself get caught up in my wants, I feel incredibly dissatisfied with my 'right now'. Yet, my life right now is so rich, so full, so beautiful. Gratitude is an essential component to living a happy life, especially when we remember that there are always going to be things to want, regardless of whether we've achieved our 'dream life' or not.

It's not about complacency, settling, or letting go of the things we want in life. Not at all. It's just about being content with our journeys and enjoying the sightseeing along the way. There's beauty in every inch of the path we're on

lessons & reflection

Happy July :-) I love the change of a new month. It's the perfect time for new beginnings and to reflect on what was learned the previous month. Sharing, patience and taking a break are three themes that weaved through the month of June for me. 

I feel as though when we share we actually receive so much. When we put forth abundance, we attract abundance in return. Not even materialistically speaking, but at a soul level; an inner level. Giving and sharing from the heart feels good. So I shared a bunch in June. 

Patience crossed my path toward the end of the month. He's a darling friend and I admire those who naturally embody the cool, calm and collected. There were a handful of instances in which the Universe instructed me to wait. It's not time yet. It will come. It will manifest. Breathe. Be patient. Impatience erupts anger within me but I've been able to feel the fiery sensation for what it is, and let it pass. I know which shadows of mine are hiding beneath and stubbornly avoiding the light. It will come. It will come.

Taking a break. Oh yes, yes. Now this is a deep lesson, a freeing one, a good one. It has been the epitome of relief and release and revive. I'm still in it, I'm still cross legged, head tilted back, breathing in the warmth of the still and idle sunshine. My week spent up north in a fairy tale changed me. When it comes to words there is a void, so I've just sat in the hollowness and felt instead for feelings are the language of the Universe, after all. Regardless, my time away was healing and what I needed so perfectly. The freedom of expression, the authenticity, the slow, the calm, the breathing, the letting go. It is all so divinely etched into my being.

I'm settling into the freedom of my need for a break and time away. I have much to ponder and I'm allowing the change and transition to take its time. I am listening, listening, listening to the gentle nudges of my spirit and soul and attentively, trustingly stepping in their direction.

P.S. Happy Canada Day to my fellow Canadians.

finding

lake wanderings from my bike ride yesterday afternoon.

Yep. I'm doing it. I'm doing it! I'm taking a time out. I'm taking a break. A leave-of-absence from all that overwhelms me. I'm so excited! This feels good and this feels right and this feels freeing in my bones. I've needed it so.

I'm off to the woods tomorrow for a week to shift and breathe and silence and reflect and connect with kindreds. But not only this, I will take as long as I need to find some steady ground where my feet can stand comfortably. Because some unsteady is what I've been amidst. Maybe I'll be steady in a month. Maybe two months. Maybe six. Maybe a year. Maybe I need two years, or three. Or maybe not. I don't know :) What I do know is that I need to find again those roots that are hiding beneath my spirits billowing wishes. They're so swollen with deep, deep longing.

I think the concept of taking a damn break has been revolutionary for me. It's required that I take a step back, my heart says so. Oh the thrill! I know why this feels so good. Shall I enlighten you? Because I've been caught in a web of uncertainty. Too much moving forward when I don't know yet, I don't know yet, I'm not ready, I'm not ready. I read through some of my blog posts from the past couple of months and I must say, it appears as though there is a theme weaving through a majority of them. Indecisiveness. Overwhelm. Uncertainty. I need a break. I need a break. I need a break.

A break from what, exactly? A break from trying so desperately hard to push myself against the wind and figure my life out when really, all I need is to stop trying altogether. Mostly, I just don't feel right putting the entirety of myself out there when I'm not entirely ready. There are answers that I need to my questions. There are holy parts of me that need to be nursed and nourished, the feathers and wings.

I'm impatient and patience is one of the handful of hurdles I am destined to overcome in my lifetime. Since last winter when I fell hard into deep darkness, I've acquired this urgency to hurry the hell up in my life because jeez, I'm 22 and I'm terribly old and simply must have my life figured out before it's too late. But truthfully, I am coming to realize that I don't even know what I would be late for. Looking back at my life over the past year or two, I should have been more patient. I wish I was, but then again, there's no such thing as should. So here I am now, embodying poise and patience. I'm flowing. I'm thinking. I'm finding.

Even more, I don't think I can possibly have everything sorted out in my life when I still have so much to learn and experience. It's this that I want to taste. I want to savor the flavours of experience and all those stories waiting to be written on my blank novel ahead.

found

Found Self,

magic erupts with a peaceful mind

heart ever-expanding

ever-lasting knowing...

fear escapes, inhabiting a new world

love is found within and

freedom downpours

bound by the sky

a limitless flight.

I've been so indecisive. I've thought I've known the answer, and then I have no idea. It's the realness that frightens me yet all she is, is freedom. Abundant offerings are found along the path of Truth.

I guess throughout the winter I did lose track of parts of me. A readily influenced, timid chameleon. All the busyness has left me dazed and docile. Fear has been holding hands tightly with Ego and one foot in front of the other they lead except, their destination is a foreign land.

The trees whisper clarity and paint me with answers. The stillness is freeing and the frozen winter is literally a frozen standstill.

A found self is reclaimed amidst peace. Peace is found in silence. Silence is found in stillness. Stillness is found in  us.

Wisdom lies beneath

and he's terribly patient.

ground

"You've got your passion, you've got your pride, but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?"

It seems as though I am easily influenced. Easily inspired, easily envious, easily uncertain.

"Humph."

Imagine scrunched face. Hands on hips. A four year old stubbornly unwilling to get up. I fall through dozens of rabbit holes, floating by the fascinating, bizarre perplexities of what's before me. Interesting. And so I speculate my situation. What is it that I want? I question, question, question as the uncertainty and indecisiveness thickens. I gulp, recalling the thunderstorm of questioning my ability and permit to be authentic. Am I... allowed? The sneaky, sassy Should's stroll along, tip-toeing into my world. I think they leave a sticky residue. I've tried and tried and tried to do it their way. But I fumble.

I think I am just still gathering. I've got my wicker basket on my arm as I meander through the willow fields of things; plucking dandelion fluffs, fragrant daisies and anything else I find of interest along the way. I'm settling in to the comforting knowing of where I'm at along mt path. Discovering myself, shaping myself, finding my ground; remembering who and what inspires me, feeds me encouragement, motivation and confidence; remembering what feels good and right in my skin; collaborating it all into one reservoir.

I just want to be me and allow life to unfold and flourish as it may.

Lessons & Release

I went for a walk yesterday afternoon. Stood on a breezy cliff, sat on a field. It was mild for a December day. The sunny sun beamed as the wind seeped down my neck, beneath my heavy parka.

Patience, strength, release. I feel as though life has been speaking to me through lessons, weaving its cosmic words through the fabric of my existence.

A plethora of emotion, strange events, negative energy and healing has been at the forefront of my days. I see it all as major, monumental lessons. It's funny that so much internal darkness is being brought into the light; there is major shifting occurring in my life as is with others.

Acknowledging and releasing much of the dormant, lingering negative energy that has been residing inside of me has been in the limelight, so to speak. It's seemingly befitting for the magical yet nonsensical happenings of these very days. Lots of my healing lately has been with the help of my dear kindreds, as well as alone in sweet solitude. Writing, speaking out loud to my Higher Self and some magical emotional freedom technique have been my allies. Still though, I am allowing myself the space and time to process and marinate in all of the changes around me as I prepare for 2013's new beginning just around the corner. Oh how I am eager to write about my wretched year of 2012! Fun indeed! But in all honesty, I am very ready to start anew...

I think I should transfer all of my poetry and blog posts over from my Free Spirit Journal to here, so that I have it all in one place. Operating two blogs makes me feel messy and uneasy.

Slow Down & Be Patient

I had an epiphany the other night. Actually I've had a few.

I've been going through many processes and transformations this year. Questioning myself, losing myself, finding myself, settling into myself. Thoroughly feeling the myriad of emotions in which accompany the human experience.

One thing that I have really needed lately is to  s l o w   d o w n. I've been caught up in a whirlwind of busyness and an overwhelming load of to-do lists, tasks and obligations. Mostly though I've come to realize that I seem to be doing a lot of it to myself. Unnecessarily taking on more than I can handle. But, all is well. I truly believe that everything that happens in our lives is meant to happen. We always are where we're supposed to be! I'll often think "What's the lesson in this?"

So I found myself with revelations abound; realizing that I've got so many things going on all at the same time and that I really am doing more than I need to; that I'm rushing and hurrying everything in my life; that I'm not embracing patience or presence; that I need a time out to assess my situation and that mostly, I don't have to have everything right now. It all comes in time. It's all a process. (P.S., writing or talking issues, worries, anxieties, etc. out with someone will almost inevitably bring you to conclusions).

The picture shown here was taken when I went for a bike ride the other afternoon. I'm certain that bike riding is one of the most freeing and blissful activities out there. I've found myself just soaking up any morsel of peace and solitary moment I get, such as when I stood on the shore and breathed. I think I've really lacked that aspect of solitude in my life lately (something that is crucial to my well-being). Even a couple weeks ago when I was driving home, radio on, setting sun beaming on my face, windows down, tears. I was hit with an overflowing sensation of freedom for a few short minutes.

plans & anticipation

thunderstorm Sunday afternoon

Don't you just love thunderstorms? There is something enchanting about them. That distinct scent of rain, billowing of black clouds, cessation of wind before the downpour ensues.

I have been feeling overwhelmingly creative these days. My mind has been submerged in anticipation for what is quickly approaching in my life. In just a couple of weeks I will begin my newest life chapter; it feels as though I am bursting at the seams with excitement for the plethora of plans that I have. I will begin the process of collaborating my blogs, including free spirit journal, into one website where I will finally be able to have one space to share, express, connect and inspire through each of my many passions - spirituality, nutrition, life - as a Holistic Nutritionist.

My life for nearly a year now has been saturated in stress with having too much to do and simply not enough time to do it all. But somehow I've always managed to get everything done in the midst of chaos. This has actually been my theme for this month of July - perseverance, diligence and determination. In fact, July has been quite the month of lessons and themes. I've really been coming into my power of letting go and releasing fears pertaining to the ever-so-scary (but not really) opinions of others. Oh the liberation!

I am really looking forward to finding my balance again; re-connecting with my neglected creativity, harnessing my higher self and soaking in the silence of sunrises and meditation. Oh the thought of all that I desire to do makes me feel such peace!

Here is a quote I found yesterday from my newest blog muse over at the sacred life of rain:

Today I am exactly where I need to be in my one wild and precious life.

And we always are.

Stillness

This moment.
Flowing without resistance.

Lost self,
but in silence I realize I AM always here.
Inwards & within resides the essence of WHO I AM.
All else dissipates, disintegrates, evaporates;
darkness disappears with light shone upon it.

And there I am. Patiently waiting.
Unshakable. Impenetrably still.

A Goddess lives inside.
Unaffected, unconditioned
she waits.

The pushing and pulling;
energies distributed unevenly but,
affected is the external I
unaffected is the internal

Soul soars in silence.

magic

Intention, focus and patience lead you to places you want to be. The Universe is our medium, guide and support; our bubble for manifestation of infinite realities, possibilities. Visions that transpose into tactile forms that we can see, feel and touch. It is the power of dreaming and free falling that take us to where we want to go.

these days

I saw the bleeding red sunrise this morning

and it infused in me

pure

joy.

Mostly these days I feel an indifference sweeping through me
an irritable, restless, negative energy
I feel like I could sleep for days
as my yesterdays 12 hour sleep told me
Raw food surely brings a high
but wasn't long before I slipped back to low
I feel in similar equivalence to the abnormal melting of snow
Is this what they call wintertime blues?

Crisp Air & Twirling Forward

The sky this evening

The glow from the pink sky illuminates everything it touches and it's brilliant every time I stand below it, within it, become it. I am elated at the thought of autumn and the crisp air these days feels so good. I can even smell the season changing, I can sense it in all ways and I can feel change happening within me! Although I'm currently in a puzzle because I can't seem to grasp each fleeting, perpetuating moment as they float further into the future. In six days I will begin devouring my studies in holistic nutrition; academia in which I have been only dreaming about thus far. Dreaming and reaching and anticipating and it has been such a lengthy, lingering wait that my whole life for the past twenty months seems that of a blur. The growth, blooming and transforming I have done in that time has been wholesome and jubilant for me and I am oh but curious to find out how my life will unfold when I have a whole new kind of routine in place.

Although I have expanded spiritually and discovered many things I have also found myself with too much time on my hands for too long now; it has drained me on the days where I am not feeling so inspired but it has changed me on the days when I do. So, I will no longer be plagued with boredom at work or otherwise, a situation and environment for me that has lasted too long, for my primary focus and purpose will be that of passion, excitement, eager learning and an array of tangible kinships. 

And yet it all seems unreal to me right now. Because, you see, life feels like a dream for me these days. I can't decipher whether or not it is due to the fact that so much has manifested for me or because I have been dreadfully overwhelmed with mental to-do lists or because I need to eat more kale. Either way, I'm sure when I begin settling into my "new lifestyle" of finally pursuing passions I'll be able to feel more grounded. Who knows, you know? I sure don't.

All I know is that September is here and it means a lot more than just school -- it means my darling boots and fun scarves and rusty fallen leaves and cool breezes and fresher air and the harmony between feeling chilly and comfortable. It means birthing out of some sort of encapsulated Universe I have lived in for a long time, however amazing or changing it has been, it is still nonetheless time for some tactile moving and twirling forward...

Patient and Still

I have been practicing proper breathing. I'm really enjoying it.

What I've been doing is inhaling deeply and fully through the abdomen first, allowing it to rise to its fullest, then fully through the chest, rising to its fullest. Then exhaling completely through the chest first, lowering to its emptiest, and then abdomen, lowering to its emptiest. I've found that it brings me into a deep state of inner awareness, and it brings me to a very peaceful meditative state while focusing on counting the full breaths I take.

It forces you to be patient and still.

Braces Off!!

I GOT MY BRACES OFF TODAY!
It has been a long wait, I can tell ya that.
I had braces for 2.5 years and I can't even really use words to describe how lovely this feels. But I suppose if I must use words, I'd say that it's like jumping from a cloud onto a rainbow and then sliding down it into a warm lake filled with bubbles.
My teeth feel so smooth and beautiful! I got a retainer too and I chose a cloud pattern with a butterfly on it, he he he. Isn't that creative? Oh it's pouring outside all of a sudden.

The actual procedure to remove the braces was... pretty uncomfortable, to say the least. Removing the individual brackets actually hurt a bit (everyone I've talked to has repeatedly told me it's painless) I guess I have sensitive teeth. The worst part though, however, was the dreaded cement/glue-remover tool. Oh god. The feeling is identical to scratching your fingernails on a chalkboard, except it's on your teeth. I actually thought I might have thrown up just because of how nauseating the feeling and sound was. It felt like my teeth were being carved off. I had to tell her it was making me nauseous because I was beginning to feel really sick from it. After that she just polished them up with a nice smooth tool and it was ok.

I don't really know what else to say about this wonderful experience. I'd say I kind of went through a lot having these braces. I had a baby canine tooth that needed to be pulled out in order for the permanent tooth (which was lodged up in the roof of my mouth somewhere) to come down. So for more than a year I had no canine tooth on my left side, and then I got surgery done where they cut open the roof of my mouth to attach a bracket to the lost tooth. For about 10 months it was being yanked down, which was pretty painful. Not to mention all of this happened when I was away at college and stuff. So it made it a bit worse the fact that I was a bit older having braces. It's definitely all worth it though!

My teeth weren't that bad though to begin with. But today was surely a long awaited day! I'm so happy :) If there's one thing I learned from having braces, it's patience.

Slow Down and Be Patient

Trees in my backyard. A reminder of patience.

I picked my mom up from the train station today and after the train pulled in I noticed nearly everybody running and rushing and hurrying out. I kept thinking to myself, everybody is running, everybody is in a hurry. I wanted to step outside of my car and shout at them to relax, slow down. I knew they were running to their cars to get ahead of the traffic that would soon build up, but all I could think of was, just slow down for a minute. I wanted everybody to hear me and just stop. Just stop everything they were doing for a moment. And then carry on slowly.

I thought about how their work days are lived. Rushed, stressed, hectic, busy, mindless. I think about how I don't want to live like that.

I am practicing patience. I'm generally a pretty impatient person - I get it from my dad. And I know that I do not want to house that trait. I told my mom to remind me each time I'm being impatient, to be patient. This morning on my way to work I had only a few minutes left to get there and there was traffic bumper to bumper. I could feel a sensation of impatience creeping up inside of me, but I combated it by simply reminding myself that getting worked up over it would not make the cars move any faster. And you know what? The cars seemed to move a lot faster.