Tug of War

Like a wave, it rushes inland

unsuspectingly.

An upward burst, fleeing from the impending flood of thoughts unwelcome;

of vivid imaginations snatching present moments like a thief.

Little streams of fright trickle slowly, convincingly:

a clashing of credence

a harrowing

a tug of war

and swiftly,

a halt.

A sigh of relief

like a wave rushing outward

unsuspectingly.

Tales

I have to keep reminding myself that I am here, and not there; that it is today and not tomorrow, and that the stories I create are just that: a tale that my mind sings to itself on repeat, stirring a soup of emotions and fibs that do nothing but make my heart sticky and webbed and afraid.

I think I hate not knowing what the future holds, yet I can be so certain and so excited about the mystery of it all. Still, there is an unknown about it; a grey sheet that I can't see through. Thankfully it's up to us to decide what we want to imagine is beyond that sheet. Mostly I have pleasant thoughts; a vibrant imagination and my feet are eager. But I do suppose I am still just a girl with a mind as wild as any other, and I fear just as much as the next person.

Tomorrow I am going to do nothing but notice the sun, or perhaps the clouds before it; I will breathe in the autumn air that sweeps itself around me. I will chop leeks and dice cucumber as though it is the only thing that matters and I will remember that I am simply, simply, right here, right now.

Full and Sweet

I could tell you where I've been, and I could tell you where I now am. I can't say I know what's to come, but I do know it's good. It's full, and it's sweet.

I was taken by surprise for the second time in a row this week where I've been presented with a most dazzling opportunity. I can't help but feel so grateful that I chose the path I'm on: to live a passionate, ambitious life, regardless of whether or not others around me thought anything would come of it. I've not once let go of the vision I have for myself. I am looking right at it, face on, because many of the dreams I've dreamed are no longer dreams, but tangible real-life things that are now part of my story. I've a pocket full of many more dreams, and I am eagerly awaiting how they, too, will transpire.

Each day my life continues to turn and twist and shape into something so refreshingly what I need. I can't help but think about the unbearably tough decisions I have had to make, but also how if it weren't for those decisions that my very soul cried out for, I wouldn't be where I am now. Oh, to listen to our hearts.

Why is it that fear so often dictates our every move? Why is it that the truth of things struggle to be the forefront in our lives, and instead, remain under a pile of doubt, like laundry that we just don't want to do? Even when our heart is screaming and shouting and banging on doors, with crystal clear certainty, we still back away. We step down, we give in, and fear rises to the top only to place our very soul's most precious messages back inside of a dark box.

I'm happy I have risen above much of the fear I had in my life. Instead, I've forced myself to keep journeying through it, past it, beyond it, into what appears to now be a very bright world with hardly much of anything standing in my way.

Rise Again

Heaviness is only temporary

the daylight will soon break in.

It's cloudy today. I woke up to pouring rain outside my window and a cat perched on my hip.

It's been just about four months since I've been on my own, and I'm stronger than I've ever been. Still there's a spoonful or two of ache in my heart, and he crosses my mind, but lately, I've been thinking about how incredibly content I feel beneath it all. How grounded and confident I am with where I'm at. I am loving my life.

I was reading through some of my notes from a few years ago on how painfully anxious I was. Timid, afraid, worried, insecure, uncertain. I can't quite pinpoint when or where I blossomed into who I am and what I feel today, right now, these days. At what point did I begin to shrug off the fears and let go of the mind-made stories? Somewhere, I suppose.

My life has been particularly enjoyable knowing that I have been creating a life for myself that I truly wanted; that I've written about and hoped for. Many of my dreams are painting themselves to life, and there are fleeting moments where I feel a surge of clarity, and excitement. It's lots of fun.

Good things have come into my life since I left it all behind. Good things. Solid things. Happiness I can touch and feel, a wholesomeness I've longed for. Even amidst the harder days, the darker days, or the moments where my strength is really being tested, I look up and I get this overwhelming reassurance that everything I have done in my life up until now is leading me exactly where I need to go, exactly where I need to be. And right now, on my own, is just that.

I've developed this attitude where each time I feel guilt or pain, I know that the discomfort only gets easier the more I allow it in. The more I refuse to cave in to the temptation of slipping backwards to some place comfortable and the more I keep stepping forward, the more I grow stronger. It's literally like working your muscles at the gym, except it's your heart and your head. You push yourself toward your goal or what you know is right; there is pain, it is sore, but it eases somehow, and you get better.

Oh, I know,

I'm gonna rise again

Set my sights on where I'm going

and my goodbye's are where I've been.

Freedom

The past few days have been such beautiful days. I'm not only referring to the bright sun, the singing birds, the soft rain, or the sound of the wind; but emotionally - I am free.

I'm finally, finally free.

For over two years I put the voice of my spirit on hold. I literally hushed it silent. I kept any of its words to a minimum, prohibited to speak up. And if this doesn't make sense, what I mean is, I consciously told the parts of me that knew the place I was at and the relationship I was in that was wrong, was just fine. I told myself that my fears, concerns, and doubts were petty, insignificant, unimportant, and certainly not worthy of ruining my time spent trying desperately to live a life that was as backwards and upside down as anything I've ever known.

I can say to myself that I should have done something sooner, but everything that was placed in my lap up until this point, right here, right now, is everything I needed in order to grow, and to learn, and to become who I am now and who I'll be in the future. I wouldn't know what I know now if I hadn't treaded through the waters that I did.

And today I feel the heavy cloud held above my head slowly fading away. The weight of it all is gone.

The weight of everything I held inside that ate me alive slowly, slowly.

I'm free.

Brave & Free

It takes a certain kind of bravery to value your worth enough to make life changing decisions. Decisions that sometimes hurt the people you love most, decisions that mean for a little while there is pain, there are clouds, and there is guilt.

For a very long time my life was blank. I had balloons full of hope, promise, and ultimately a path that many people would choose in a heartbeat. I was also empty, and afraid, and slowly becoming grey and dull. My days would flow with anger, resentment, frustration; but I would swallow the fear and carry on, pretending like it was everything I wanted, everything I needed. I would carry on as though, none of it bothered me, none of it shook me, none of it was corrupt in the deepest corners of my heart even though all of it was corrupt, all of it shook me, and all of it hurt me.

I was trapped, and so desperately wanted a way out. Ahead of me I saw one of two things: living a lie, or living my truth.

Truth always prevails, eventually, and the moment you pull it out from underneath the dust, open up the bottle it was locked inside, release it into the air from out of its cage, you are free.

Harsh

I went from one world to the next, and in a swift, jolting movement, I am here.

It was kind of all of a sudden, and it was kind of seen from afar. It was all things unexpected, and all things wished for.

Today I am a pile of crumbs. I'm a hormonal mess; hysterical, unreasonable, fragile. It is always a matter of my mind and how it takes me to the darkest of places; to the most fearful of them all. Hardly a day goes by without feeling some sparkle of uncertainty and, timid, I wonder if it will follow behind me until the end of my days.

I also wonder if life is ever really so certain? I go through phases where I'm entirely, whole-heartedly, concretely fixated on something - on an idea, a concept, a thought. Lately it is the inevitable harshness of life and the impossibility of ever escaping it.

There's a constant to-and-fro where I can justify it all and then I just can't. I find myself always hushing the littlest of voices, the tiniest of hesitations. I've been suppressing and bottling in and pushing downwards and squeezing all the fears into a container, putting it on a shelf, sweeping it under the rug. I sit and smile, I chat, I pretend to listen. I nod my head and agree, even though, I don't agree at all. I let them tell me what's right for me, even though inside I'm thrashing and angry and nothing, none of it, feels right.

I sometimes wonder if all of this will one day make my body deteriorate. I'll at the very least have a heart attack if I don't find the courage to make it right.

wayside wavering

bedside.

I've been sick, a reminder to stop and breathe and go within. The weather has been cold, damp, windy; naked trees, sullen skies and I've been thinking hard. I do wish I would set myself free from it all but not just yet. I've a path to explore and I'm curious, consciously naive.

As of right now I'm apparently pissed off, or frustrated at the least, mostly at myself, and I'm having trouble letting go. My oracle cards advised me of this very thing: release. It's autumn, letting go is a cardinal theme this time of year just as the trees do. But for myself, now is simply not the time. Maybe it will be maybe it wont, but these things take time and soon enough, carefully, courageously, we submit to our soul's wary words.

My mind is conflicted, as usual, anyone could tell you that, but I yearn for the day I have the strength to end the causes of my wavering ways. Only recently I understood my need for alone as I've been deprived of it and constantly poked and prodded at for some time now. I've been frustrated. I've vaguely acknowledged my need for more soul work but the heart hardly wins when the head is dabbling elsewhere. I sort of let that part of me go by the wayside and instead let myself be manipulated by my very own fears. I'm beginning to gather that perhaps sometimes what we need is a catalyst; something to catapult us in the right direction, and a lot of the time this process involves pain. Welcoming such things with open arms is an ever-elusive act but it's necessary nonetheless.

found

Found Self,

magic erupts with a peaceful mind

heart ever-expanding

ever-lasting knowing...

fear escapes, inhabiting a new world

love is found within and

freedom downpours

bound by the sky

a limitless flight.

I've been so indecisive. I've thought I've known the answer, and then I have no idea. It's the realness that frightens me yet all she is, is freedom. Abundant offerings are found along the path of Truth.

I guess throughout the winter I did lose track of parts of me. A readily influenced, timid chameleon. All the busyness has left me dazed and docile. Fear has been holding hands tightly with Ego and one foot in front of the other they lead except, their destination is a foreign land.

The trees whisper clarity and paint me with answers. The stillness is freeing and the frozen winter is literally a frozen standstill.

A found self is reclaimed amidst peace. Peace is found in silence. Silence is found in stillness. Stillness is found in  us.

Wisdom lies beneath

and he's terribly patient.

carousel

I've made a mess but there's a freedom that I feel
there's something exquisite about the chaos
the spaciousness between the clutter
we're never really without;
curious and trembling
a wandering mind thinking too hard
guilt-laden
sopping with uncertainty
a carousel.

ground

"You've got your passion, you've got your pride, but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?"

It seems as though I am easily influenced. Easily inspired, easily envious, easily uncertain.

"Humph."

Imagine scrunched face. Hands on hips. A four year old stubbornly unwilling to get up. I fall through dozens of rabbit holes, floating by the fascinating, bizarre perplexities of what's before me. Interesting. And so I speculate my situation. What is it that I want? I question, question, question as the uncertainty and indecisiveness thickens. I gulp, recalling the thunderstorm of questioning my ability and permit to be authentic. Am I... allowed? The sneaky, sassy Should's stroll along, tip-toeing into my world. I think they leave a sticky residue. I've tried and tried and tried to do it their way. But I fumble.

I think I am just still gathering. I've got my wicker basket on my arm as I meander through the willow fields of things; plucking dandelion fluffs, fragrant daisies and anything else I find of interest along the way. I'm settling in to the comforting knowing of where I'm at along mt path. Discovering myself, shaping myself, finding my ground; remembering who and what inspires me, feeds me encouragement, motivation and confidence; remembering what feels good and right in my skin; collaborating it all into one reservoir.

I just want to be me and allow life to unfold and flourish as it may.

metaphors & poetically-drenched life stories

This has happened before, where I haven't posted on here in a long while and the day I post again is the exact same day of the month as the last post I did.

I feel like a tree.
Or a flower.
A rose, perhaps. Or a daisy. I like those.

Finding my place has been the epitome of my life since July. Taking a seat, so to speak, and making myself comfortable in my own little world. I've been sifted, stirred up and left to settle. It's a mysterious world, I tell you, but it has all been grand and inevitable either way.

I've been feeling powerful and grateful and magical, also. Many wondrous things have crossed my path.

Metaphors aside and in all seriousness, I am posting here in a pitifully desperate attempt to reclaim my creativity. Why is it that I make my life so hard? As if I can't express myself elsewhere, I leave my poetically-drenched life stories in the hands of this blog.

paths

And so she said,

"Living in the present moment!"

"Yes," I thought, "that's how it should be."

Indecisiveness. What happens when we want to go one way, but want to go another way, too. Or, we don't know which way to go altogether.

"Which way?" We ask ourselves.
"That way." We respond.
"But what if that way isn't the right way?" We ask again.

And so we sit. Silently. Intermittent frustration. Intermittent certainty. Waiting for guidance. Sometimes we just wish someone would simply tell us the answer. You see, then we'd know which way to go.

Answers do flow freely from us, our internal wisdom, though it often goes unnoticed. Fear has a strong grip, or so it seems.

Everything is a journey!

Nature, Serenity & Simple Things

First of all, happy 25th birthday to my older brother, Adam!

I went to my very favourite forest/conservation area this evening with my younger brother. Originally to trek through some trails, but found ourselves climbing trees instead. The weather and early October landscape has been breathtaking these days. Fall, being my favourite season, brings me tremendous joy. I feel so much peace from the breezes, the colours, the indescribable essence of it all.

I’ve been wanting to express my feelings of gratitude for simple things such as this. For it is oh but the little things that bring us joy and  lasting fulfillment. The temporary means of fulfillment that material possessions provide is  pathetic in comparison.

I was jolted with a deep sense of serenity when I looked in the distance at the colourful trees. I cannot explain it fully, but in essence, I felt as though the troubles found in this artificial world we live in were meaningless. Being in nature reminds us of what we are, who we are, where we are. Shifts our perspective, shifts our focus.

Cool breezes; foggy, misty afternoons; sunrises; rustling leaves; overcast days in the fall. A few things that I am ever-grateful for and that never cease to bring me complete and utter joy.

Today’s affirmation:

I am free, even in the midst of limitation within the illusions of life.

Fear, Fearlessness, Careers, Authenticity.

I took a solo trip downtown Toronto yesterday afternoon to the CHFA East, a natural health and organics trade show hosted at the ginormous Metro Toronto Convention Center. It was nice, being surrounded by that which I salute. I felt independent, busy. I got free stuff. I equally felt little and young. I was, after all, told the other day for a third time that I appear to be the age of twelve. Twelve...? Hm. I grimace at these such remarks only half-seriously, for I am rather content with my apparent youthful disposition, though feel an irking when I'm told upon repetition that I resemble that of a child. It runs in the family. I also happen to be on the shorter end of the five-foot-somethings.

So I've been thinkin' lately. Ultimately it stems from a deep underlying intuitive feeling and knowing of my place in this world. This is something that I have been dealing with and have needed to work through.

I am wholeheartedly, passionately and happily in alignment with my love and pursuance in the field of holistic health and nutrition. Holistic living is my CORE. This is not the issue. What I'm really referring to here is my natural and automatic withdrawal and resistance to anything that makes me feel boxed in. Hmmm... let me explain:

For myself as a Holistic Nutritionist, I am not merely a nutritionist. I am girl with a plethora of passionate interests in which I plan to pursue, without a doubt. When I envision my future, it is not merely comprised of telling people to eat more carrots. Yes, I want people to eat more carrots and I will forever encourage nutrition, but I am feeling utterly inspired as of two days ago to explain here on my blog my own personal place as a writer, a creative expressionist, someone who loves eating and promoting the consumption of wholesome foods (a.k.a nutritionist), a painter, a photograph-taking-lover, someone who enjoys spiritual ventures and musings, a philosopher, a cosmic-enthusiast, and as a girl. 

My fundamental point here is that I have been desperately yearning for the ability and permission to be wholly authentic, in myself and in my business. I want to display, promote and express a whole assortment of things, not linearly or exclusively one thing. When I say "permission" I am indeed referring to this apparent fearfulness and need within myself to have approval and reassurance from others. Reassurance from society perhaps, that I can and will succeed in this world as an authentic woman who stands true to her morals and beliefs. I realize society will certainly not provide me with the approval I seek. So I am giving myself permission. Right here, right now. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.

I see people that make livings through carrying out a variety of different jobs that are authentic to who they are. Creative writers that are doulas and yoga instructors and musical teachers and farmers and photographers and bloggers, all combined. Seeing people who live this way inspires me tremendously, for it is that which is precisely my desire. To live a versatile life. A simple life. My at times depressingly disapproved stance on nearly all things I am aware of in this society leads me to an inherent need to flee from it all and remember who and what I am as a human being.

So, once again, my fundamental point is really that I am not interested whatsoever in just expressing merely nutrition as part of my role as a Holistic Nutritionist; as part of my "career". As part of what I'd like to offer others. As part of what I'd like to talk about, write about, blog about, educate others about. I have opinions, beliefs, ideas, philosophies and knowledge that I simply cannot refrain from expressing to solely please some invisible standard and thereby sacrifice who I am. I am a nutritionist, but not only that. I am only at the very beginning of my journey of blossoming.

For what it's worth, here is a list of a few things I intend and absolutely plan to pursue. This is a confirmation for the Universe to allow it to manifest, of course!:

• Yoga Instructor certification (in India, preferably)
• Take part in some sort of art course/retreat (painting, drawing, sculpting, etc.) for several weeks far away, up north, away from city life.
• Take a course in Energy Medicine
• Take a Reiki course
• Take a course in metaphysical sciences
• Become a doula (once I've experienced NATURAL childbirth and have become a parent myself. I've always been fascinatingly interested in the human body, the female body. The magnificence of it all. Long story short, I've become obsessed with and intrigued by pregnancy lately).
• Travel the world.
• Live in a cob house.
• Live in British Columbia. Or Norway. Or Switzerland.

Sunday Scribblings: Drought

A long time ago I was directed to a blog, Sunday Scribblings, that provides writing-prompts. A word to source some inspiration of something to write about. I haven't done it since last year, and seeing as today is Sunday, I thought it be a good day to reunite with it. Today's word is drought.

Naturally I'd like to write a poem, but instead I'm feeling compelled to just write about my thoughts on that word. Drought. It can go many different ways, and my mind's eye is focusing in on metaphors and analogies that surround the concept of going through a period of time in our lives when there is little sustenance; a lack of substance. Those times when we find ourselves amidst a life of "drought". Wishing and waiting for "rain", symbolically representing peace, balance, freedom or an open door; satiety or repletion, or whatever the idea of precipitation means to you, to feed our thirsty hearts.

In this case, I am referring to rain as a representation of redemption, so to speak. Something to long for when we're all dried up. Wherever we are in our lives, whatever path we are on or stage we are at; whether we feel that need for revitalization just as a thirsty, coiled floret... rainfall will always ensue to replenish our withered bones.

Expression, Fall, Camping & Magic

I'm feeling particularly creative right now and really feel like writing. As I have mentioned here and elsewhere, my life has been the quintessence of change. I got lost a wee bit (more than once), but particularly in the process of opening my website - deciding what goes where, what posts should be shared at what location, losing touch with what feels right and authentic for me. This blog is very dear to my heart. I never thought it would become as such, but it has become quite meaningful. Sentimental. Special. Free Spirit Journal represents all of me; a safe vessel where I have allowed myself to free-flow creatively.

Anyways, what I am trying to say is that along my adventure into the world of website-owning, I didn't know what to do with this blog. Would I just neglect it? How would I utilize it? How should I continue to share? It was making me feel uneasy. All I know is that ultimately, continuing with this blog the way I always have is exactly what I want to do and makes me feel nice.

I wanted to share three things today. The fall, camping, and magic.

These days now I can really sense that autumn-like air. That September-esque vibe. And quite frankly, I like it. The fall is my very favourite season and for good reason. Cool, windy, brisk air. Red, orange, yellow leaves. Jackets. Boots. Scarves. Hats. Walks. Sidewalks. There's just simply a very characteristic feel about that time of year. Words can't quite describe. Feeling is the language of the Universe, after all ;-) I'm just really looking forward to it.

I got back yesterday from a weekend of camping up north in Huntsville, Ontario. I love nature, of course I was excited. I couldn't wait to be amongst trees and oxygen. I'm a forest fairy (people call me that anyway), I really relish in and resonate with the energies of trees, moss and earth. I'm also a Capricorn, an Earth element. A mountain goat. I like groundedness (but don't be fooled - I am a fairy after all!)

The weekend turned out to be 100% rain. I like to think of myself as a pretty optimistic person; before we left when the weatherman was calling for rain all weekend I was still feeling pretty nonchalant and even excited about prancing around in misty forest air. Ultimately I knew a lesson would be learned by the end of it, if anything.

No. Couldn't fool myself. It was awful. It wasn't even innocent, harmless rain that came and went. It was just perpetual showers with intermittent down-pours and thunder. Everything was wet, damp, moist, sticky. By the end of it we just laughed at how ridiculous the situation became. It only got worse, but more comical. However, I was still able to find a few moments of awe at the beauty of dewy, misty trees like the second picture shown. I wasn't going a whole 3 hours north without closing my eyes and breathing in the beauty of everything. It was so green!

I lastly just wanted to share a little tidbit of my day today. I went to one of my favourite metaphysical shops today. Every time I'm in there I'm always so overwhelmed. Too interested in everything I see so it's hard to focus on one thing at a time. Trinkets are everywhere, books, candles, incense, crystals, gemstones. I got a little "Magic" star that I'm going to keep in my wallet. It very particularly stood out for me because "magic" seems to me my word of choice for most things I describe. I just say it a lot for some reason. It represents everything in life - everything is just... magic. :)

Meg

A Disturbing Dream of Falling

I actually had such a disturbing, jarring dream last night that I need to blog about it. I've never experienced such a dream, and trust me I've had some very vivid dreams. I remember my dreams very well, typically every night and in excellent detail and recollection (although I was not remembering them well over the past few months when I was feeling dealing with lots of anxiety in my waking life, but nonetheless my dream world has returned).

I guess it started by me managing to climb to the very top of an extremely narrow skyscraper. Now, when I say narrow, I mean literally only my feet would fit on a square. No room to walk around.

When I got to the top and found myself standing there looking down, I realized I was far higher up than I thought. This building I was standing on was extremely high; there were cars and parking lots below me but they were tiny. I was very frightened (and I believe I am scared of heights in real life, to some extent).

As I looked down I began feeling like there was no way I could balance myself or support myself standing for very long as it was so incredibly narrow. So I decided it would be best for me to just let myself fall and die.

So I did.

I just completely let go of myself and began falling. On the way down as I was approaching the ground faster and faster, flickers of terrifying realization of how painful it will for a split second before I am killed flashed across my mind. I tried to numb it out by not thinking about it but I was falling so fast and so close to smashing to the ground that the fear was overwhelming. There were buildings and parking lots below me, where would I land? What if I hit the corner of a brick building before I hit the ground? It's going to be so painful. There was such an enormous fear of the unknown. Why did I jump? I shouldn't have jumped! I should have just found a way to get back down safely. Now I'm going to die! I don't want to die! It was so real...

Right before I hit the ground I woke up. Except I was panicking a little bit, somewhat out of breath and my body was tingling all over. I felt very uneasy while I tried to fall back asleep. It was as if it really happened... I really felt the fall and how it would feel so be moments away from a violent death. All day today the vivid memory of it disturbed me.

I am big into dream interpretation and yes I did analyze this dream though I'm too lazy to explain it's various meanings.

yin & yang

Challenges come at us from all different directions
even when we aren't prepared
we are offered a chance to grow
to see ourselves in a new light
to view our most cherished treasures from a new perspective
to focus harder, to walk stronger, to be braver.

I'm a pretty feminine girl. But every time I go through a really tough situation I always seem to unintentionally opt for jeans and sneakers and a firm, impervious attitude along with it. I was thinking about this the other day, how I tend to express myself externally based on how I am feeling internally. And although I don't mean to draw any stereotypical lines here, I literally unite with my masculine side when I'm feeling really bruised.

But I like it. That's how I've been feeling lately. Really tough and nonchalant. Though I'm beginning to soften again and actually the colour pink has been my newest muse these days. For the longest time I detested the colour pink. After I awoke spiritually I felt as though pink emanated a superficial, materialistic vibe, of which I was vehemently straying from. But I have been finding myself open up to it again as I actually feel rather pleasant and pretty when I'm exposed to it. I've been really wanting more colour in my life as I don't wear much vibrancy, but I don't do well in bright, bold colours. I feel best in earthy, soft tones and patterns. For the longest time I wore mostly black and gray (that's my capricorn-ness), but I've learned the importance of exposing yourself to certain colours, especially within the chakra teachings, so as to activate different energies.

I've been thinkin' about how. How things manifest in our lives even when we are deeply doubtful. How often we question, "How will this work out? How will this happen? How will this get better? I just don't see how". We can never really ever know how things in life will unfold. Logistically speaking, yes, we can plan and figure out and organize but when it really comes down to it, we can never really know every minute detail that will take place in any given situation. I think it's really important that we refrain from asking how so much. Sometimes it forms a barrier - we don't see or believe how things could possibly happen or how something in our life could possibly manifest and in turn refrain from going forward. If we just relax, stop questioning, recognize that we don't and can't always have all the answers, and just let life flow and unravel, all of the "hows" will happen.