Twenty Six

Today is my 26th birthday.

I booked today off work, a snowy Tuesday that has turned into heavy, slushy rain; but I spent the entire day listening to a meditation playlist, drinking banana-coconut milk, baking grain-free birthday brownies, blushing over the amount of well wishes, and doing a little bit of reading.

This birthday is the very first birthday out of all of my birthdays where I feel a little bit of discomfort. Usually I am lively and ecstatic on my special day, and I love to celebrate, but this time around the sun I'm feeling a little out of sorts.

My birthday is very close to the holiday season, and my holidays this year were a little somber. I found myself unusually wishing for Christmas to hurry up and be over and for New Years to quickly pass. I am still just processing some big, big stuff, and I'm thankful it is 2017, because 2016 was full to the brim with the difficulty of ending a relationship and the rise of some digestive health issues.

I've been spending a lot of time the past little while working on myself and filling up my pockets with a bounty of positivity in the form of affirmations and things of the like. In fact, my bedroom is stocked with tiny little notes of reassuring and encouraging words to keep me from twirling downward into that scary dark hole of anxiety and horrible thoughts. I must say, I feel really great as a result; I wake each morning telling myself my life is unfolding perfectly, that I can handle anything that comes my way, and that I always know the answers.

Being alone is scary, but it's thrilling. Regardless of what's behind me and what's to come, I am happy, and I'm excited about the future. I trust myself, the path I've walked thus far, and the path that's before me - whatever stones and twigs and roses I find along the way.

Full and Sweet

I could tell you where I've been, and I could tell you where I now am. I can't say I know what's to come, but I do know it's good. It's full, and it's sweet.

I was taken by surprise for the second time in a row this week where I've been presented with a most dazzling opportunity. I can't help but feel so grateful that I chose the path I'm on: to live a passionate, ambitious life, regardless of whether or not others around me thought anything would come of it. I've not once let go of the vision I have for myself. I am looking right at it, face on, because many of the dreams I've dreamed are no longer dreams, but tangible real-life things that are now part of my story. I've a pocket full of many more dreams, and I am eagerly awaiting how they, too, will transpire.

Each day my life continues to turn and twist and shape into something so refreshingly what I need. I can't help but think about the unbearably tough decisions I have had to make, but also how if it weren't for those decisions that my very soul cried out for, I wouldn't be where I am now. Oh, to listen to our hearts.

Why is it that fear so often dictates our every move? Why is it that the truth of things struggle to be the forefront in our lives, and instead, remain under a pile of doubt, like laundry that we just don't want to do? Even when our heart is screaming and shouting and banging on doors, with crystal clear certainty, we still back away. We step down, we give in, and fear rises to the top only to place our very soul's most precious messages back inside of a dark box.

I'm happy I have risen above much of the fear I had in my life. Instead, I've forced myself to keep journeying through it, past it, beyond it, into what appears to now be a very bright world with hardly much of anything standing in my way.

An Afternoon On My Bed

Silky rain outside my window

plush fur and rolling purrs

nestled by my feet

acoustic guitar

sweet melodies

voices soaked in heart and soul

Trees as still as stone

buds and blooms and beginnings of blossoms

Soft light, late 'noon hue

My feet are cold but

my bed is warm and

it holds me still in

this moment where I

feel peaceful and good.

___

Brave & Free

It takes a certain kind of bravery to value your worth enough to make life changing decisions. Decisions that sometimes hurt the people you love most, decisions that mean for a little while there is pain, there are clouds, and there is guilt.

For a very long time my life was blank. I had balloons full of hope, promise, and ultimately a path that many people would choose in a heartbeat. I was also empty, and afraid, and slowly becoming grey and dull. My days would flow with anger, resentment, frustration; but I would swallow the fear and carry on, pretending like it was everything I wanted, everything I needed. I would carry on as though, none of it bothered me, none of it shook me, none of it was corrupt in the deepest corners of my heart even though all of it was corrupt, all of it shook me, and all of it hurt me.

I was trapped, and so desperately wanted a way out. Ahead of me I saw one of two things: living a lie, or living my truth.

Truth always prevails, eventually, and the moment you pull it out from underneath the dust, open up the bottle it was locked inside, release it into the air from out of its cage, you are free.

bloom

Tonight, I'm happy.

I'm content. And I'm contemplative, inspired, safe.

I'm thinking about my life, actually, and time, and where it has all gone, and where it will take me. I'm thinking about where I have been, what I have done, and where I am. I remember so clearly just like it was yesterday all of the things that changed in my life so suddenly, four years ago. I remember the awakening, the re-birth; the unshakable me, the trembling me, the righteousness, the holding on, the letting go, the allowing, the grace of it all.

In retrospect, I see how I was so... innocent.

But so courageous. And eager. So, so eager. So inspired and relentless and I see now how I have changed, how I have softened, and let things in. So much can and does change but my heart still carries those same dreams. They are etched into my being. They are who I am, and what I live for every single day. They are what bring me the peace I seek when I am alone, they are what rise to the surface when I am lit up and swollen with inspiration; they are what make me smile and say "yes, this is what I want."

I just wonder where the years have gone. One moment they're in the palm of your hand and the next they're mist and veiled. One moment you're something and the next you're something else. Times change, they do. But even beneath the deep there is still just a girl and I am still the same, but I am so different.

And tonight, I'm feeling like a bloom; like the springtime that is by my side; like the rain feeding the earth, and the green below my feet, and the dew on the morning grass, and the breath I take when peace overwhelms me. Lately I have been reminded of what I want most in my life and it makes me feel euphoric, exhilarated, blissful, surreal. I think because for a long while there has been perhaps a disconnect, an unplugging of sorts, and you lose touch. For that I blame the cold and hardened winter months. I'm beginning to thaw.

This morning I walked outside into the misty morning sun, and it was quiet, and there were birds, and I felt the breeze and it has been so long, so long of a winter.

Perfect Day

Today has been such a perfect day for the first day of the new year. It's been mild outside the past few days and today it was raining lightly and everywhere is just dazzled with this beautiful, fairytale-like fog. Needless to say, it was the ultimate perfect day for a walk by the lake.

As I walked towards the lake I noticed 3 flags that were so still. No wind. Stillness. Silence. I closed my umbrella and just allowed the cool drizzle of rain to feed me. And then I cried, because the happiness I feel for this life and this world is so grand. The deep feelings of appreciation I have for the beauty of simple things like rain, fog, trees and air was overwhelming in those few moments.

Radiance

I saw the moon yesterday morning and it was huge and bright and the patterns on it were so visible and beautiful. I saw it and envisioned how it is out in space, floating, as we are here on Earth.
I also had no idea there was a lunar eclipse the night before. I'm very sad I missed it. Also very sad that I wasn't able to capture a picture of the big bright moon in the morning.

And I'm fantastically wonderful. I watched a video today about meditation, cosmic energy and astral bodies/travels. Oh yes. Indeed I meditated as well today.

I feel so very good.
So joyous, so abundant. Life-full, beautiful. Peaceful, love, happiness radiating in every direction from my soul.

December is being very good to me. Bringing me lots of lovely feelings. I've been connecting even more so with nature by wearing my hair natural, which is curly. I have always straightened it out of the inability to accept, embrace and manage the naturalness. However I accept it more than ever now.

Peace love happiness fulfillment wonder beauty life! Embrace it all, every moment, every day!