Burnout / Slowing Down

I remember a friend saying to me, "you're tired but wired", and I thought to myself, "yes, that's exactly it."  Constant late nights, working four jobs at one point, and an unstoppable drive to keep building my business (fuelled by fear of failure, probably). Quite frankly, though, it did pay off.

I never used to consider myself someone with a particularly notable work ethic. I get distracted easily, bored easily, and I'm not always the best listener. But the point is that my limitless drive to succeed in my own business and become self-employed has been a raging fire for years now. All it takes is passion and persistence to go far (at least in my own experience). I've never really ever stopped doing, stopped working, stopped dreaming, or stopped trying to reach my goals. I honestly became a workaholic, and this resulted in two things:

Success
and burnout.

And a couple other things. But for the sake of this blog post, let's talk about burnout. Here's Google's definition:

Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands.

This burnout has probably been a couple years in the making, certainly so the past 6 months, but the lethargy, lack of motivation, extreme overwhelm, and depression didn't fully hit me until a couple months ago. I had just completed an enormous project, and a few others, and it was like my body just cried out please, no more.

Even during the weeks that I could feel this desperate need to slow down, I couldn't because I'd put so many tasks and deadlines on my plate.

But once the big stuff was all said and done, I kind of just... stopped. I mean, I still did things and showed up, but I couldn't shake this inability to be productive like usual, or to feel inspired, or to want to get work done, or really do anything at all. And I was sad. For a little while I'd feel incredibly guilty about feeling helplessly lethargic, which made things worse, because I wasn't really letting myself relax.

And then I had an epiphany.

I don't want to live like this.

Not only that, but I don't need to live like this. Why am I trying to do so much? It's all too much.

My goal for the past year or so has been to push through fears and live outside my comfort zone, because discomfort is what helps us grow. And I'm forever glad I chose to push myself for a long while because I definitely would not be who I am, know what I now know, or have as much confidence as I do now. But, now I want to sit inside my brand new expanded comfort zone for a while, because I'm f**king exhausted. And besides, I think plateaus are healthy things, too. Just as much as the uphill growth.

So a few days ago I made the decision that I'm going to live slower and more intentional. This will likely shift again at some point, but it's what I feel I really need in my life right now. And I know, these words and concepts are thrown around a lot these days, but this is what slow, intentional living means to me:

• Doing only as much as is "doable" and feels comfortable for me
• Anything that stresses me out, is out. (to the best of my ability)
• Being aware of and taking in my surroundings more (mindfulness)
• Practicing gratitude more regularly (contentment)
• Physically moving my body at a slower pace and not rushing
• Saying no to things that do not serve me or make me feel good
• Caring less about little things that really do not matter
• Letting go of perfectionism (a challenge of mine for a while now, but I want to work on this even more)

Alongside these lifestyle shifts, I'm also taking some supplements:

• Iron. I recently had blood work done to test my thyroid function (based on my symptoms) which came back normal, but was told to take iron. I will share more details of my issues here soon.
• Ashwagandha. This herb helps reduce cortisol levels (a stress hormone). A recent hormone panel I had done showed excessive amounts.

I can't tell you how good and how right this all feels for me right now. I'm ready for this. I need this.