Tuesday, April 26, 2016
I went from one world to the next, and in a swift, jolting movement, I am here.
It was kind of all of a sudden, and it was kind of seen from afar. It was all things unexpected, and all things wished for.
Today I am a pile of crumbs. I'm a hormonal mess; hysterical, unreasonable, fragile. It is always a matter of my mind and how it takes me to the darkest of places; to the most fearful of them all. Hardly a day goes by without feeling some sparkle of uncertainty and, timid, I wonder if it will follow behind me until the end of my days.
I also wonder if life is ever really so certain? I go through phases where I'm entirely, whole-heartedly, concretely fixated on something - on an idea, a concept, a thought. Lately it is the inevitable harshness of life and the impossibility of ever escaping it.
There's a constant to-and-fro where I can justify it all and then I just can't. I find myself always hushing the littlest of voices, the tiniest of hesitations. I've been suppressing and bottling in and pushing downwards and squeezing all the fears into a container, putting it on a shelf, sweeping it under the rug. I sit and smile, I chat, I pretend to listen. I nod my head and agree, even though, I don't agree at all. I let them tell me what's right for me, even though inside I'm thrashing and angry and nothing, none of it, feels right.
I sometimes wonder if all of this will one day make my body deteriorate. I'll at the very least have a heart attack if I don't find the courage to make it right.