wayside wavering

bedside.

I've been sick, a reminder to stop and breathe and go within. The weather has been cold, damp, windy; naked trees, sullen skies and I've been thinking hard. I do wish I would set myself free from it all but not just yet. I've a path to explore and I'm curious, consciously naive.

As of right now I'm apparently pissed off, or frustrated at the least, mostly at myself, and I'm having trouble letting go. My oracle cards advised me of this very thing: release. It's autumn, letting go is a cardinal theme this time of year just as the trees do. But for myself, now is simply not the time. Maybe it will be maybe it wont, but these things take time and soon enough, carefully, courageously, we submit to our soul's wary words.

My mind is conflicted, as usual, anyone could tell you that, but I yearn for the day I have the strength to end the causes of my wavering ways. Only recently I understood my need for alone as I've been deprived of it and constantly poked and prodded at for some time now. I've been frustrated. I've vaguely acknowledged my need for more soul work but the heart hardly wins when the head is dabbling elsewhere. I sort of let that part of me go by the wayside and instead let myself be manipulated by my very own fears. I'm beginning to gather that perhaps sometimes what we need is a catalyst; something to catapult us in the right direction, and a lot of the time this process involves pain. Welcoming such things with open arms is an ever-elusive act but it's necessary nonetheless.