Tuesday, December 27, 2016

What if's & a Chat About Anxiety

2016 really has tested my strength. I've been thrown around a bit, or perhaps more accurately, I've thrown my own self around a bit. Big decisions and big changes were had this year and as much as I wish I could say with certainty that 2017 will be free of obstacles, I don't think I'm off the hook just yet.

There is such an enormous amount of learning I've needed to do this year, and recently, too. Mostly about myself, and about others, and about what I want and don't want and what feels right and what doesn't. I think it's probably a struggle for anyone who's as analytical as I am; things are either really truly not ever quite right or things are just fine and I make them into a whole entire storybook of farfetched fibs and things of the like.

It's a constant struggle for me to find the perfect balance of curiosity and content in my life, because much of the things that bring me absolute joy and peace are not always things that I prioritize, make happen, or bring to life. Like my desire to go for morning walks, finish my ever-growing to-do list, or go to bed earlier.

But even besides the little things, there's big things, too. Like worrying about being 26, and then 27, and what the future holds, and if I'm making the right choices, and if I'm going to end up satisfied or not, and if I'm being unrealistic, or maybe I am being realistic; and what if I'm not being wise, or what if I am? What if I regret this? What if I'm overthinking that? What if and what if and what if?

Lately I've been all kinds of anxious as I've found myself being handed the same damn cards that I was trying to sift through this time last year. I watched a helpful video the other night about how the root of anxiety is not expressing what is bothering you.

"Anxiety comes from thinking or feeling something and not acting on it."

I think that in many cases, this is entirely true. I also believe that anxiety is caused by living in the future, and as a result of this, I find myself regularly reminding myself that I am right here, right now.

I am not 6 months from now, or 5 years, or 30 days. I am right now.

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