I'm feeling stormy these last few days. Inside I'm thrashing and reluctant. I'm at a place in my life where I'm neither too old nor too young; there's time, lots of time. There's still plenty of opportunity; space to create, things to observe, lessons to learn. Yet, I'm terrified of my right now, of my this moment. I feel like my days are limited and every choice I make is critical to the outcome of my future.
My biggest fear is making the wrong choice. Being unhappy. Living a life that isn't true to me, and yet, knowing it was entirely preventable. Regret, perhaps, permeates my thoughts: the fear of regret, and wishing I could go back to make it all right.
I want to feel so utterly free flowing and connected but I've been so far from it. I feel like I've created two different people within myself: one of them is deep and poetic, introspective and contemplative. Creative, lively; a soft silky scarf and a basket of blooms. This side of me is deeply afraid, constantly questioning, and nothing is ever quite right - right now. The other side of me is hearty and serious, a true camouflage in the cold hearted world that surrounds me. This side of me sees reality, feels reality, and is afraid of living an unrealistic life.
I'll frequently remind myself that everything happens for a reason or everything is meant to be the way that it is. What can I learn from this? What can I learn from this?
But, sometimes, I wonder if there is no more to learn. Perhaps I know now what I needed to know and there's a new level awaiting me.