vacillate

Scleranthus. To remedy my indecisiveness, to soothe my vacillating ways. I think I have a history of such a conflicted mind.

There is so much to figure out and I'm tired of going through those motions of pretending like there is confidence in a decision when underneath, I don't know. I'm not settled and I'm not sure. I'm not steady and I'm not secure. I don't know and I don't know and I don't know. Sometimes I just want to hide away, and maybe that's what I need. A time out. I'm still feeling my way through the dark woods, aren't we all?

I want to know. I yearn to know. I crave certainty. But there's far too much to figure out; far too much to heal; far too much unpredictability in prediction.

I'm breathing in the revelation that I don't need to have everything sorted out right now, because guess what? It's not sorted out. I don't know where I'll end up or when I'll be organized. And that's okay. It's all apart of this process of life: the good, the bad, the ugly, the wonderful is all found amidst the messy, messy Divine.

I just want to relax into the flow of things and halt my impatience, my eager tendency to rush and have it all done and calculated and put into perfect little boxes.