|lake wanderings from my bike ride yesterday afternoon.|
Yep. I'm doing it. I'm doing it! I'm taking a time out. I'm taking a break. A leave-of-absence from all that overwhelms me. I'm so excited! This feels good and this feels right and this feels freeing in my bones. I've needed it so.
I'm off to the woods tomorrow for a week to shift and breathe and silence and reflect and connect with kindreds. But not only this, I will take as long as I need to find some steady ground where my feet can stand comfortably. Because some unsteady is what I've been amidst. Maybe I'll be steady in a month. Maybe two months. Maybe six. Maybe a year. Maybe I need two years, or three. Or maybe not. I don't know :) What I do know is that I need to find again those roots that are hiding beneath my spirits billowing wishes. They're so swollen with deep, deep longing.
I think the concept of taking a damn break has been revolutionary for me. It's required that I take a step back, my heart says so. Oh the thrill! I know why this feels so good. Shall I enlighten you? Because I've been caught in a web of uncertainty. Too much moving forward when I don't know yet, I don't know yet, I'm not ready, I'm not ready. I read through some of my blog posts from the past couple of months and I must say, it appears as though there is a theme weaving through a majority of them. Indecisiveness. Overwhelm. Uncertainty. I need a break. I need a break. I need a break.
A break from what, exactly? A break from trying so desperately hard to push myself against the wind and figure my life out when really, all I need is to stop trying altogether. Mostly, I just don't feel right putting the entirety of myself out there when I'm not entirely ready. There are answers that I need to my questions. There are holy parts of me that need to be nursed and nourished, the feathers and wings.
I'm impatient and patience is one of the handful of hurdles I am destined to overcome in my lifetime. Since last winter when I fell hard into deep darkness, I've acquired this urgency to hurry the hell up in my life because jeez, I'm 22 and I'm terribly old and simply must have my life figured out before it's too late. But truthfully, I am coming to realize that I don't even know what I would be late for. Looking back at my life over the past year or two, I should have been more patient. I wish I was, but then again, there's no such thing as should. So here I am now, embodying poise and patience. I'm flowing. I'm thinking. I'm finding.
Even more, I don't think I can possibly have everything sorted out in my life when I still have so much to learn and experience. It's this that I want to taste. I want to savor the flavours of experience and all those stories waiting to be written on my blank novel ahead.